Gov. Kristi Noem As A Cowgirl Triggers The Libs, Pro-Trump QBs Had A Big Sunday & Jimmy Carter Vs. Hospice
Final Monday of September. We're here. This is it. All gas, no brakes. Tomorrow, we blast the Halloween theme all day and start hanging the orange & purple lights on the porch.
That's right. I said it. And I do it. I actually spent all day yesterday prepping our front porch for October. Went to Lowe's, bought orange and purple string lights that change colors on command, and then hung their asses straight on my front porch before the sun went down last night.
Climbed up to the attic when I was done with that, got the two giant pumpkins I snagged at the Goodwill a few years back, and then stuck them straight in my front yard for a makeshift pumpkin patch.
By nightfall, my house was ready for October. I take this month seriously. If I can't feel autumn here in Florida, I'm damn sure gonna make sure I look the part. Some of y'all like Christmas and the holiday season. That's fine. Not here, though.
Halloween is the best holiday and October is the best month. Let's kick September to the curb and get it started.
On that note, welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where we say goodbye to baseball with Olivia Dunne, and then get ready to have our hearts broken by the Miami Dolphins here in a few hours.
Who's ready to watch Snoop Huntley vs. Will Levis?! God, what a miserable football season for me. Pure hell. At least I ain't the Jets today!
What else? I've got Jimmy Carter turning 100 tomorrow despite being in Hospice care for over two years now (!!!), the best of the rest from a weekend of LOADED content, and maybe we'll check in with Gov. Kristi Noem at some point.
It is election season after all, you know.
OK, let's get this party started. Pencils up. Eyes forward. Heads, swiveled. It's a Final-Monday-of-September 'Cap!
Rate this move by the First Lady
Hate to start the week with controversy, but the First Lady left me no choice after what she pulled yesterday.
Before we dive in, let me say this … she's a real trooper right now. We found out last week that my newborn has a dairy sensitivity, which certainly explains why he randomly acts like his stomach is on fire.
My wife loves dairy. Loves it. If her entire diet was just cheese, yogurt and lattes with whole milk, she'd be happy as a lark.
So, you can imagine her dilemma right now – and moving forward for the next two years+ – with the kid having a sensitivity to the stuff. She can't have it anymore. She just had to stop over the weekend, cold turkey. Absolute punch to the gut.
I say all that to say … she's been on edge lately. Can't blame her. Which brings me to yesterday's argument.
At around 3:45, as we were all sitting in the living room, she asked me to switch the TV from Red Zone to the Braves-Royals game. She's a big Braves fan, and they needed to win yesterday to clinch a playoff spot, so she wanted to watch it.
But it was an NFL Sunday. Red Zone was balls-deep in The Witching Hour.
"But the Dolphins aren't playing," she said.
Little did she know I had hundreds of dollars on the line in player props, over/unders, and anytime TD parlays. I couldn't just … bail on Scott Hanson for a Sept. 30 baseball game in the fourth inning, could I?
We went back and forth for a bit, but I ultimately waved the white flag. Not worth the battle. Not with the Dolphins playing tonight during bedtime, which means she will most likely have to put my toddler down so I can watch Mike McDaniel call some stupid screen pass on third and 2. Sad, but true.
Fair? Foul? Right call? Wrong call? I dunno. Tough spot, but I did my best. The Braves lost, by the way. If they lose Game 1 of their DH today, they play again tonight in a must-win spot. That game will surely interfere with the Dolphins, too.
God help us.
Anyway, all that to say … baseball season is over for most clubs today, including Livvy Dunne. Sad.
What a weekend for the #content
Great season, rook! You too, Paul. Can't wait to see what Year 2 holds for these two lovebirds. I think we're in for a special 2025. Strap in.
OK, back to football. It is October, after all.
What a weekend. Saturday's Georgia-Bama game was one of the best college football games I've ever watched. Well, scratch that. One of the best fourth quarters I've ever watched. The first two hours were a dud.
As a Bama moneyline/TT over 40.5 bettor, the final two minutes were an absolute rollercoaster. I went from a red day to a very green day in about 90 seconds, and then had to hold my breath at the end.
God, I love gambling. Now, did I lose it all yesterday? Sure. Of course I did. That's gambling 101. You can never, ever have two good days in a row. You win a bunch of money one day, and then place some dumb parlays the next because you feel invincible, and ultimately piss it all away.
It's what makes America great, frankly. That and funny tweets, of course:
Jimmy Carter is almost there, SNL's Biden sucks & RIP to a legend
For those who don't speak Persian – and that's all of you – here's what my new favorite account tweeted late last night:
The offensive unit has scored 17, 16, 15 and 10 points in four games and that really makes my damn dick itch!
You and Anthony Farris both! Allegedly, of course.
OK, rapid-fire time before we reach the century mark! Speaking of …
HOW IS JIMMY CARTER STILL ALIVE?! I swear, I've seen like 100 stories about "his waning days in hospice" over the past 18 months, but, somehow, he's about to turn 100.
Hospice just ain't the death sentence it used to be, I reckon. Wild.
And yes, I know – that story about him trying to stay alive to vote Kamala is out there and true. Whatever. Jimmy Carter's vote ain't gonna make or break this election.
And let's be honest, he just wants her in office because the longer the Biden-Harris administration is running the country, the better Jimmy's presidency looks. Seriously.
Next? Speaking of Joe Biden, SNL returned this weekend, and I've gotta say … this Joe Biden impersonation sucked ass:
Now, don't get me wrong. Dana was funny. The mannerisms were good. It was funny. But the impersonation itself? Garbage. Sounded nothing like Joe Biden. And while we're at it, this Trump one sucked, too:
Again, funny material, but the impersonation is bad. Sorry, just is. Shane Gillis is the bar for Trump. Anyone else at this point is pretty unexceptional. But, that's par for the course for SNL in 2024.
Good try, good effort. Lord knows y'all have done worse.
Finally, before we hit the stables with Gov. Kristi, let's all wag a finger and pour one out for NBA legend Dikembe Mutombo, who died today from brain cancer. He was 58.
Dikembe was an absolute legend back in the day with the 76ers (that's where I remember him from, at least) – back when the NBA was watchable – and he was an even bigger off the court long after his playing days.
RIP big guy:
Take us into October, Kristi Noem
God, that commercial was the best. Remember when it was just all anyone could talk about for, like, two years? Everyone referenced it. It changed the office trash can game forever. Hell, it changed the throwing away trash game forever.
What a legend. Sad.
OK, that's all for today. Gov. Kristi had a big weekend on the saddle, and we're gonna have a bigger week because of it.
Giddy-up.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Would you switch Red Zone for MLB on an NFL Sunday? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.