Golfer Grace Charis Is America's Patriotic Cowgirl, Maggie Sajak Gets Tanked In Italy & Trump's Golf Cart Rant

It's our birthday. Has been all day. Since early this morning. 

You're drunk. I'm drunk. If you're reading this, you're most likely in a porta-john out by the beach, or in someone's poolside shitter taking a quick break before heading back out and resuming your inevitable journey to blackout-ville. 

I know. That's a dumb name, but whatever. Again, we've all been drinking today, so you're gonna just have to bear with me. I'm doing the best I can, because I've got kids running around down by the pool, my brother-in-law is hounding me to get my ass back downstairs and man the grill, and girls in bikinis on the back deck. 

How the hell am I supposed to concentrate with all that going on, Doug?!

PS: the girls are The First Lady and her sisters. I wanted to sound cool and hip by saying that, but it's just a bunch of moms, which – when you're 31 – you respect the hell out of. My wife also comes from a hot family, so I feel like they'd appreciate that label. 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah!

Welcome to a Fourth of July Nightcaps – the one where we celebrate this great country with Paige Spiranac rival Grace Charis and go from there. So … let's go!

What else? I've got Maggie Sajak in Italy, Trump with an all-timer from the golf course, Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders living under a bridge, and maybe even a Dale Earnhardt Jr. cameo, because Lord knows we can't celebrate the Fourth of July without an Earnhardt. 

Last time I checked, this was America. I know it's Biden's America (Kamala's?), but it's still America, and we don't ignore Earnhardt on the Fourth. 

Grab you some sort of fruity drink that's full of Red, White & Blue dye and settle in for a patriotic – and noticeably shorter – Thursday 'Cap!

Let's start with the most American moment in Fourth of July history

… besides actually signing the damn documents 248 years ago. Feel like that's easily No. 1 in our Patriotic Power Rankings. I'll give them that. 

But No. 2? That's up for debate. Joey Chestnut used to have the market cornered today, because we all rallied around him in the hot dog contest because we're all fat Americans. Nothing wrong with that, by the way. It's a rite of passage. 

But now that Joey's gone and there's no reason to watch the contest anymore, I feel like there's a giant hole that needs to be filled (goodness, I didn't even mean that, but I ain't deleting it!). So, allow an Earnhardt to fill … you know what? I'm not finishing that sentence. You get the picture:

Grace Charis is ready for a big day

One of the greatest moments in NASCAR history – if not the greatest. I can't stop watching 23 years later. In fact, I talked to Junior about it a few years back in a past life. True story. He gave me about 40 minutes on the phone one summer day, and it was electric. 

The guy is the best. What you see and hear on the TV is what you get with Dale Jr. My favorite quote? This one, when Junior was talking about his daddy:

When I got in the car, and started doing the things I saw him do, it was like a light bulb went off. I was like, 'Oh, wow. So that’s how this works.'

The man. Bring NASCAR back to Daytona for July 4th, you crooks! 

OK, let's move it along. We've all got things to do and places to be. Grace Charis, you're up!

Maggie Sajak dominates Italy, Trump dominates a golf cart & the Cowboy cheerleaders are underpaid 

I know it's a little early for rapid-fire time, but the most American thing I can possibly do today – besides lose money on the hot dog contest – is slack on work. 

So, let's get the hell outta here five minutes early! 

First up? This Trump golf cart video is wild:

I mean, on one hand … where's the lie? Don't bother looking for it, because it's not there. That being said, I did sort of like Trump sitting back and watching the democrats eat each other while saying absolutely nothing. 

I've always said that was his best strategy … just let Biden and the dems sink themselves. And Trump was doing it beautifully this week. This, obviously, gives them another talking point. Whatever. It's still funny, and that means it works in this class. 

PS: how about Barron just sitting there, saying nothing? What a WILD life that giant kid must live. 

Next? Pour one out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders today:

Honestly, that's stunning. Seems like Jerry Jones could probably dig just a tad deeper in those couches of his and maybe just bump the hourly up a tad, no? I don't know. I won't pretend to know the ins and outs of fair pay in the world of the NFL, but making $15 an hour seems low. That's just me. 

I mean, have y'all seen Joe's economy? Trump would never let these fine Cowboys cheerleaders live under a bridge!

Next? Let's leave America for just a minute and check in with Maggie Sajak over in Italy:

Take us home, Toby Keith

Welcome back to class, Maggie! Don't know that I'm on board with you being in Europe for our birthday, but I reckon you worked hard this year, so I won't get too angry. We'll hold down the fort until you get home!

OK, that's all for today. I know I usually end class with a heater, but it's July 4th and that means we honor Toby Keith around here. No questions asked. 

Miss Toby, today. God, if any day was tailor-made for Toby Keith, it was today. RIP, big guy. We'll never forget. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

What time did you start drinking today? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.