Gisele On The Pole, Irate Meghan Markle, Hot Grandma Lawmaker, Mahomes Beer Pong, Elizabeth Hurley & Happy Birthday Carrie Underwood

It's Friday and you're secretly already drinking even though you haven't punched out yet. Guess what? So am I! Whatever, though. You try sifting through petty Meghan Markle drama all damn day and then not make a beeline for the liquor cabinet.

Yeah, it's been a day. But hey, it did get better right around 2 p.m. when I discovered Gisele Bündchen on a stripper pole! Talk about your Friday afternoon pick-me-up.

We'll get to poor little Meghan and relaxed Gisele in a second. Along the way I'd like to discuss several important topics, including Elizabeth Hurley's second act, 36-year-old lawmaker grandma Lauren Boebert, Patrick Mahomes beer pong, canned-cake vending machine and more.

And, of course, we'll end our week by emptying the tank with the random crap I forgot to include this week and then say happy birthday to Carrie Underwood!

What a treat you all are in for. Let's get weird.

Gisele Bündchen starts the weekend in a thong

It's been five months since Gisele and Tom Brady called it quits just before Halloween, and both appear to be thriving in 2023.

Tom retired last month from a random beach in Miami and has since bought a cat for his daughter, while Gisele can't stop riding horses with her trainer "friend" in Costa Rica and showing off her supermodel butt.

So, everyone is happy!

Goodness gracious, Gisele. Give the other girls a chance!

I tell you what, our girl still very much has it at 42. I know Tom Brady loved football, but the more I see content like this out of Gisele, the more I question why in the hell he'd want to come back for whatever that was last year.

And while we're on Brady ... can we please stop the rumors about him coming back? Looking at you, Rich Eisen. Enough. For the love of God, let him go. It's over. He ain't coming back, mainly because he STUNK last year and probably doesn't want to further damage his legacy.

Plus, he's single now and needs to somehow replace this. Good luck, Tom.

Meghan Markle sounds intolerable

I'll be honest with you, I don't keep up with the Crown drama too much. And by that, I mean not at all.

Frankly, if I never watched Suits I would have zero interest in it whatsoever. But, I loved Meghan Markle back in her prime, had a huge crush on her and figured she'd be cool to represent the US of A across the pond.

I mean, how could you possibly go wrong with this?

Meghan Markle used to be a heartthrob in Suits.

I miss Meghan Markle as Rachel Zane.

Rachel Zane was such a heartthrob growing up, and you were like, 'She's gonna be so cool being a princess!'

Except, turns out Meghan Markle and Harry STINK, and Meghan is now being accused of being a little insecure.

Stunner.

The first one is about how Meghan allegedly hated having no influence, was never "first in the pecking order" and couldn't stand living in the tiny Nottingham Cottage.

The second one is far worst, and basically talks about how Prince Harry used to be fun in college and make hilarious jokes, but then became a real square after meeting Meghan Markle.

OutKick's Hayley Caronia has more! Hayley:

"It was all Meghan’s influence. We used to joke that she must be very good in bed to have turned his head that far."

I mean, have they seen Suits?!

PS: I tried to show an actual scene and YouTube apparently won't let me since it's labeled a sex scene, which I guess it's true but it ain't like Suits was on Cinemax. Sex scenes on USA aren't exactly earth-shattering.

Double PS: Suits was great, but Psych is hands down the best 'Fraud Detective' show of all time. Ain't even close. Get out of here with The Mentalist, too. Garbage.

Great intro.

Elizabeth Hurley used son to springboard bikini line

Much like Gisele, 57-year-old smoke Elizabeth Hurley very much still has it today, and she has her son to thank!

Hurley recently told Hello Magazine that having son Damian in her mid-30s forced her to take nearly a decade off from acting. During that time, the British actress said she decided to take up a new hobby that we can all get behind: her own bikini line!

"During that time, I started my swimwear business, Elizabeth Hurley Beach, moved to the country and fell in love with gardening again," she said, adding that she doesn't feel weird modeling in her bikinis at age 57 and then made some weird soup can reference.

"I have a business to run and bikinis to sell. There's not that much more to it than that. If I sold cans of soup, you’d see an awful lot of pictures of me stirring pots at my stove."

Feel like we dodged a bullet there.

If you've been reading Nightcaps long enough - and by that I mean four weeks now - you know where this is going, right?

Mount Rushmore of Austin Powers movies to celebrate Elizabeth Hurley, AKA Vanessa Kensington.

All great movies of the late-90s and early-2000s era of ridiculous comedies, and they propelled Mike Myers into a worldwide star. Seriously, there was a time there where Mike Myers or his voice was in just about every single big movie.

Between Austin Powers and Shrek, that guy pretty much cornered the movie market from 1997-2009.

Elizabeth Hurley in Austin Powers was THE 1990s.

Looking for some TV show suggestions

OK, final movie/TV nugget before we get to Patrick Mahomes crushing beer pong and Carrie Underwood being perfect.

Obviously I'm a big movie and TV guy. Don't know if you could tell, but that's sort of my thing outside of sports. Before my daughter came along, I'm pretty sure sports, golf and TV shows were it for me - and I was cool with that, by the way. It's the simple things in life.

Anyway, my larger point here is the TV-well is running a bit dry in the Dean house. I'm currently watching that Netflix documentary MH370 about the plane that went missing a decade ago, and I would highly recommend it.

Fun fact: I was actually flying down to Florida with my terrible college baseball team the day after that plane vanished into the night. I also hate flying. So, you know, that was a fun trip.

I've also dabbled in Full Swing, 1923, Last of Us, Ghosts and Shrinking. Everyone knows about the first three, so I won't bore you with the details. But those last two are shows I'd also give a thumbs up, especially Shrinking.

If you like Ted Lasso, you'll like Shrinking. Harrison Ford and Jason Segal in a dark comedy? I mean, can you go wrong? No. The answer is a resounding no. It's excellent.

Anyway, we're basically caught up on everything, so I'm open to new suggestions. I have every streaming app known to man - until Netflix drops the hammer in a few weeks - so don't be shy.

And don't come at me with Breaking Bad. I've seen it 25 times. I'm not an idiot.

Patrick Mahomes, vending machine cake and Lauren Boebert is a new hot grandma

Rapid fire time as we head into a Friday night. Let's empty the tank!

How about Patrick Mahomes absolutely laying down the hammer on Travis Kelce in a game of pong over the weekend?

Good morning, good afternoon and goodnight, Travis. Sheesh. Absolute annihilation here. It's Patrick's world right now, folks.

Next up? Anyone ever seen this bad boy at your local Walmart?

Don't know what "low key bussin" means, but I'm all in regardless. Cake in a can? Doesn't get more American than that, boys and girls. That's why we're a nation that leads by example.

God I love this country.

Speaking of leading our great land, how about 36-year-old U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert announcing today that she's gonna be a grandma next month?

A grandma!

That's not the kicker, though. HERE's the kicker:

Boebert gave birth to Tyler as a 17-year-old senior in high school, which resulted in her deciding to drop out, according to a 2020 interview with Colorado news outlet The Durango Herald.

During the announcement, Boebert shared a conversation she had with her son when she learned she would be a grandmother.

He asked her, "Didn't you make granny a 36-year-old granny?" To which she responded, "Yes, I did."

Tyler then said that him becoming a father at 17 is "hereditary" – warranting some laughs from the audience.

What genes! Like mother like son, I reckon. Also, I'm getting BIG TIME Gretchen Wieners vibes from Lauren, which ain't a bad thing.

Lauren Boebert is a grandma!

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert. (Photo by RJ Sangosti/MediaNews Group/The Denver Post via Getty Images)

Bet you didn't know that Lauren Boebert opened Shooters Grill in 2013 with her husband Jason. (Photo credit should read EMILY KASK/AFP via Getty Images)

Happy Birthday, Carrie Underwood!

If you've made it this far, congrats! Thanks for sticking with us on this beautiful spring Friday.

We're one week away from the March Madness, and one day away from the US of A kicking Great Britain's ass in the opening round of the World Baseball Classic.

We also have NFL Free Agency on the horizon, which ain't a bad few days, either.

And on that note, let's all collectively wish SNF Queen Carrie Underwood a very happy 40th birthday as we head into the weekend.

'Waiting all day for a Sunday night!'

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Wanna talk Gisele, Meghan Markle, hot grandma Lauren Boebert or TV shows? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.

Carrie Underwood is a SNF Queen.