Why Gisele (Allegedly) Cheating On Tom Brady With Her Jiu-Jitsu Instructor Is Bad For Humanity

Hey guys, women cheat. 

You go away to fight wars and the next thing you know she's boning the electrician or the assistant football coach who's teaching your kids the sport while you're in a combat zone. 

Or you're off playing football for seven months and your wife is at home scissoring with the jiu-jitsu instructor while you're dealing with Bill Belichick being a bitch, but you're married to the game and the last thing you want to do is kick your wife out of the house during another Super Bowl run. 

In the least surprising news I've ever read, Tom Brady has now "accepted" that Gisele, the mother of two of his children, was having her back blown out by her boy toy Joaquim Valente and it had been going on for "years," according to sources who talked to Page Six. 

But this is horrible news for humanity and the repopulation of Earth. 

It further reinforces the belief in the head of men that they shouldn't risk half of their 401ks, their Dodge RAMs, 18 years of child support and financial despair by marrying only to find out Beth has been getting rammed by some guy on the coed softball team she joined (by herself, not with you) after losing 30 pounds and getting back into the shape she was in during her senior year of college. 

Men see this Tom Brady-Gisele stuff on TikTok and they instantly start thinking about how they'll end up in a month-to-month trailer rental while Bret from the softball team moves into the house to pound Beth in the former marital bed. 

And they're like f--k it, they'll never marry. They'll hop on Tinder and go slumpbuster hunting here and there to stay in the game, but there's no way in hell they're getting married and accepting that their wife is scissoring a jiu-jitsu instructor while they're off working a 60-hour schedule for the gas company. 

Gisele (ALLEGEDLY) boning with Joaquim while  Tom was off playing football is a huge blow to repopulation efforts led by cocksmen Elon Musk, Nick Cannon and Antonio Cromartie. 

Imagine how North Korean men are going to react to this news in 20 years when they hear about it. These guys can hardly feed their families more than a bag of Combos per week as it is. Do you Cho Myong-Nok is going to risk getting married to some North Korean 8 or 9 only to have her cheat on him with some soldier on leave from the DMZ while Cho Myong-Nok is out scraping together pennies for another bag of Combos? 

Men around the world are going to say the hell with it. They'll just keep shooting their shots on Tinder, spend a couple of nights per month at some 5s condo before strapping on the boots for another day of trucking for Amazon. 

That's what Gisele has done here. 

Yes, women cheat. Yes, men are low-down dirty dawgs. You're right, Gisele isn't the first lonely housewife supermodel to (ALLEGEDLY) scissor with her jiu-jitsu instructor. But this time it's different. 

And Earth will suffer because of it. Blowing out Gisele's back with have consequences for decades. 

Have you ever walked in and found your wife scissoring a jiu-jitsu instructor? Have you caught your wife cheating with the assistant football coach who was supposed to be giving lessons to your kids only to find out he was doing tackling drills with your wife? Did you ever overcome the agony? If so, how? 

I'll keep you anonymous. 

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com