The Girl Scouts Have Been Poisoning Us For Decades, Explosive Study Shows

Tough news out of the Girl Scout community this week, as it turns out those little snot-nosed kids have been trying to murder us for decades now. 

Sad. This is what the MAHA Moms have been trying to hammer into our skulls, though. You can't give these people an INCH. When you do, they turn around and try to sneak poison into your body through seemingly harmless little girls. 

They ain't harmless, though. They are vicious. They come up to your door, or stop you at the Publix entrance, and guilt you into paying $20 for a box of thin mints. What we haven't realized – at least until now – is that, in reality, we've all just been paying for an early grave. 

RFK was right. All these foods are POISON. 

Roll tape!

Tough look for Girl Scouts here

My God. Joe Rogan is rightfully mortified here, and I don't blame him. But, I also can't say I'm surprised. I live with a MAHA mom. My eyes were opened to all of this corruption years ago. 

You can only buy the wrong kind of milk, eggs, and meat so many times until you sit down and start taking notes. 

And that's what I've been doing for years now. Grass-fed? GOOD. Raw milk? GOOOOOD. Seed Oils, of ANY kind? BAD! 

Natural sugars? Good. Added sugars? Bad. 

Butter? Used to be bad for you and for fat kids only. Now it's good for you, as long as it's the good kind. 

Bone broth? Excellent, but ONLY if you buy the kind that costs $15 for 4 ounces. 

I grew up on Kid Cusines, Hungry Mans (Men?) and Lunchables. How I made it this far is beyond me. I'm a modern miracle.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Joe Rogan set the internet on fire this week with the above rant on a recent study that found out just how bad Girl Scout cookies are. And it's all true, by the way. 

From some fancy site called Lawsuits.org (God, I hope I never wind up one this):

• Laboratory testing revealed that 100% of tested Girl Scout cookies contain glyphosate and toxic metals, with levels exceeding EPA safety limits
• Girl Scout cookies contain high levels of glyphosate, the active ingredient in Roundup weed killer.
• 96% of samples tested positive for lead contamination, which has no safe exposure level
• 76% exceeded EPA limits for cadmium content
• 88% of samples contained five toxic metals: aluminum, arsenic, cadmium, lead, and mercury
• Thin Mints showed the highest glyphosate levels at 111.07 ppb, 334 times above safety threshold

The best part, as Joe notes at the end? This line:

The Girl Scouts of USA, an $800 million cookie enterprise, declined requests to discuss these findings.

Oh gee, ya think? No shit, Sherlock. They're running for the hills right now. Shredding papers and documents. Burning buildings and evidence. Disposing of every last can of Roundup they have stored at Girl Scouts HQ. 

To be fair – and I'm nothing if not fair – the Girl Scouts did release a few statements earlier this month on the heels of this study. 

"The health and safety of Girl Scouts and cookie customers is our top priority. Rest assured: Girl Scout Cookies are safe to consume."

Phew. All good! The #scouts continued by adding a few solid bullet-points debunking the nasty claims:

• Our trusted bakers remain committed to compliance with all food safety standards and regulations set forth by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), and other relevant health authorities.
• These standards ensure that food products are safe for consumption.
• As a result, Girl Scout Cookies are safe to consume and are manufactured in accordance with all food safety regulations.

They also said that while yes, the cookies do contain metals, it's OK because these heavy metals can easily be found in the soil, which means "that nearly all foods using plant-based ingredients, including organic foods, may contain trace amounts."

That one is really gonna piss off the suburban MAHA moms, by the way. Attacking plant-based ingredients and organic foods? That's their wheelhouse. Ballsy move from the Girl Scouts. 

Anyway – none of this should surprise you at this point. Look at what Elon and his rag-tag group has uncovered in just one month – and that's without guys like RFK really getting in the mix. 

I'm telling you, hell is about to break loose in this country when Bobby starts digging his heels in. The Girl Scouts being murderers is just the tip of the iceberg. 

Sad. But necessary. 

PS: Thin mints and peanut butter patties are the GOATs. Who knew roundup tasted so good!