Girl Scouts Haul Boy Scouts & Their Knots Into Federal Court As Gender-Neutral Recruiting War Escalates

The frontline of the battle will be wild. On one side, you will have Weblos scaling buildings, thanks to sheepshank knots, and then using their leadership, time management, and adaptability as war rages all around them. The other side will feature Brownies flinging Samoas®, trying to rip the heads straight off their dirtbag Scout opponents in one of the ugliest wars to break out in some time.

That right, two of America's most wholesome organizations are entrenched in a legal battle. This battle ramped up on Christmas Eve when the Girl Scouts of America dropped a flaming hot load of cookie batter on the Boy Scouts of America in the form of a trademark infringement lawsuit, as recruiting between the two organizations heats up.

Since most of you guys are into sports, let's try to put this into sports terms. The Girl Scouts are accusing the Boy Scouts of using misleading recruitment pitches. It's like Ole Miss claiming they have a bunch of national championships, SEC titles, players drafted into the NFL and the greatest coach in the history of the game. Alabama would say Ole Miss is making things confusing for recruits and leading them to believe they're Alabama when deep down they're Ole Miss.

You see where this is going.

The Girl Scouts are straight up accusing the Boy Scouts of recruiting violations, and they're fed up. It turns out, the Boy Scouts are now allowing girls into their ranks, and the Girl Scouts are like, 'Hey, what about us?' The Boy Scouts are like, 'Hey, we're over here trying to survive too, and the only way to keep this going is to bring girls into the mix.' 

“For the last century, the Girl Scouts trademark has become understood to designate the source of scouting services for girls,” the filing said, according to the New York Times. “Now, because of what Boy Scouts has done, that distinctiveness is being slowly eroded, and the law affords Girl Scouts a remedy to stop such a further loss of distinctiveness.”

Girl Scout numbers have plummeted in recent years. There were 1.76 million girls in the organization in 2018, down from 2.9 million in 2003. It wasn't any prettier on the Boy Scouts side. Due in part to the 300 sexual assault lawsuits with which it has had to contend, the organization filed for bankruptcy in February before COVID started raging.

Never forget that both organizations are big business. In 2016, Philanthropy.com listed Girl Scouts CEO Anna Maria Chavez's salary as $419,733 before she left to explore "public service." The Boy Scouts CEO is said to make around $1 million per year.

Not bad money if you can get it, right? Right. But that leaves the organizations in a turf war over bodies, fees, cookie sales...money...money...money to keep the machine churning.

Was it pretty much a scumbag move for the Boy Scouts to start accepting girls into the old boys club of overhand knots and taking the pledge to be thrifty? Sure, but business is business, and let's face it, the Boy Scouts were probably headed for gender bias lawsuits in 2020, so this wasn't a horrible decision back in 2017.

Are the Girl Scouts wrong for getting their Caramel deLites® in a bunch while the Boy Scouts syphon off membership? Not at all. You either go to war or allow your business to be plundered without consequence.

Even with the courts in play here, the Girls Scouts might want to think about getting into the gender neutral biz. It's time to get real weird. A gender-neutral-off, it is. Boys slangin' Thin Mints outside Kroger and the girls taking a leadership role where they get to tell the boys how the business operates.

Don't stop there. Start your own pinewood derby races, ladies. Get down in the sludge and battle.