Gender Reveal Fireworks Shows Prove Americans Are Financial Morons

Confession: I don't even remember how my wife and I found out we were having a boy nearly 11 years ago.

And I don't remember how we found out we were having another boy six years ago. At this point, it's all a blur of kids being born, shitting their pants, hacking their brains out after coming home from the childcare facility where you pay huge money for your child to experience every damn flu strain known to man and then the day when you're finally done paying for childcare and you get to experience the local school system.

Gender reveal party? Can't remember it and it never comes up in the house. My parents have never fired up the memory bank to talk about the old days when we found out the gender. Her parents don't have posters on the walls from the big day. My wife never brings it up over a quiet dinner.

America, we have a gender reveal issue and after watching this video of some social media-created superfamily nearly burning down a forest with their fireworks show gender reveal, I'm officially calling it: This country has gone too far.

Single guys: I know you look for attractive women to date and hopefully marry. I know you are looking for a five-star woman who checks all the boxes and runs a sub-5.0 40 with grocery bags hanging off her arms.

I want to make something very clear: Do not marry a woman who needs a fireworks show gender reveal so she post it to TikTok for views -- unless you're equally a moron like her who deserves to be miserable (and probably divorced) the rest of your life.

Those of you who are still dating better be having a long talk -- it should happen by date No. 2 -- to get a sense of how this woman you're hooking up with would handle a gender reveal event.

I suggest leading into the conversation with, "I saw this TikTok where a couple did a gender reveal fireworks show and it was completely ridiculous. Have you seen it?"

This is where you better be examining body language. If she seems excited over the thought of blowing $40k on a gender reveal, this is your cue it's over. I don't care if she runs a 4.2 40 with those grocery bags or if she's the blonde of your dreams.

There's a 100% chance she's going to own half your 401k, plus receive alimony and child support while you're left barely able to pay for that 2023 Dodge RAM.

If she mentions anything about a confetti gun with a group of friends, marry her on the spot. Straight to the county courthouse.

And if you think, like me, that gender reveal fireworks shows are the dumbest thing social media ever came up with for Likes and Followers, then you'll really appreciate the helicopter baby reveal where a chopper hovers over your subdivision and drops pink or blue powder while your friends fake act like they're excited for you and the wife.

Folks, we've lost our way as a nation. There are now horse racing gender reveal parties just as the Founding Fathers would've wanted.

Do it for the 'gram, America. Get those clicks.