Florida State Fan Is On The Run, Caitlin Clark Tattoo Has Major Error, Cardio Drumming & Kangaroo Fighting

We did it, you guys!

After seven excruciating months, it's finally NFL game week, and I, personally, am happier than a fly on a pile of dog poo. (But more on that in a minute.)

I mean, sure, I love college football as much as the next guy/girl, but there is nothing like that first NFL Sunday — cracking open that morning beer, setting your anytime TD parlay, flipping on the TV and hearing the ol' familiar sounds of your favorite pregame show. Not to mention Scott Hanson's melodic voice bringing you "EVERY touchdown from EVERY game!" 

Shoot, I'm already getting excited thinking about our first octo-box of the year.

And hey, if this isn't music to your ears and eyeballs, I don't know what is:

Tonight is the draft for the OutKick writers' fantasy football league. I came in second last year — losing in a nailbiter to Matt Reigle in the final game.

But this year will be different. Amber Harding Snyder will win the OutKick fantasy football championship, and the Miami Dolphins will win their first playoff game in 24 years! Bank on it.

I'd guarantee it, but I don't want to find myself in the same situation as a very unfortunate and elusive Florida State fan. 

Oh, you haven't heard? I guess we'd better get to it, then. Pour one up. It's Nightcaps time!

A Florida State Fan Is On The Run

No matter how your day is going or which college football team you support, you can find solace in the fact that you will never have it as bad as Twitter / X user @321nole does right now.

We're barely through Week 1, and he's already having the worst football season (and week) of his life.

It all started last Tuesday when he hopped on social media to make both a very disgusting and stupid promise: "If Florida State loses to BC this weekend, I will eat dog sh*t out of a red solo cup with a spoon and post a video of me doing it. Book it!"

For those of you not familiar with the plight of the Seminoles, FSU went undefeated in the regular season last year but missed the College Football Playoff when the Committee selected one-loss Alabama instead. And so they spent the entire off-season complaining about (and threatening legal action against) the NCAA — only to enter the season ranked No. 10 and promptly lose to unranked Georgia Tech in Week 0.

So surely they wouldn't screw up and lose to unranked Boston College in Week 1, right?! That's what @321nole thought, anyway. And he was sure enough that he put every ounce of his dignity on the line.

Boston College 28, Florida State 13. 

Well, sh*t. Dog sh*t, specifically.

So, naturally, the Internet kept the receipts and expected this unfortunate soul to pay up today. But he was nowhere to be found! Not only did he deactivate his X account, but his other socials went dark, too.

"I’ll catch yall next season, my time on X is done for now! Goodluck to everyone," @321nole allegedly said in a DM, according to Barstool’s Jack McGuire.

Even Scott Van Pelt called out @321nole on ESPN.

"They’re not down as bad as that dude on the internet who said he would eat dog poop out of a solo cup," he said on SportsCenter after the game.

"You think you’d just get to delete your account, the internet ain’t just gonna forget that, you don’t get to just keep it moving and get a new name or something. People are going to find you."

And now, that's exactly what the Internet is off to do: Track him down and make him pay up.

Let this be a lesson to all of us: Never make a promise you don't intend to keep. Otherwise, the Internet will hunt you down and force-feed you dog sh*t with a spoon.

Florida State Is Getting Obliterated Online

While we're on the subject of FSU woes, let's enjoy some funny tweets from last night's game.

I probably shouldn't have laughed at these as hard as I did. After all, the Tennessee Volunteers have a nasty habit of disappointing me every October/November, too, so maybe it's not wise to throw stones.

I'd like to go on the record, though, saying that no matter what Nico and the Vols do in 2024, I will not be eating feces.

Check Out This Caitlin Clark Tattoo

Let's switch gears to a much less tortured fanbase: the Indiana Fever.

Caitlin Clark continues to prove she was worth every bit of the hype, and the Fever have surpassed a .500 record for the first time since 2016. Yes, you read that right. Until Sunday, Indiana's professional women's basketball team had not had a winning record in EIGHT YEARS. 

Back when 14-year-old Caitlin Clark was tweeting out bangers like this:

I mean, she wasn't wrong.

Speaking of Caitlin, though, a very loyal Fever fan decided to honor the accomplishments of the No. 1 overall pick by having her forever immortalized in ink on her forearm.

"Hey, we’re just here for the GOAT. Can’t wait to see her live," the woman says in a video posted to the Fever's X account.

Take a look:

I ask this question humbly as a tattoo-less woman: Why are we doing this?

I don't mean why are we getting tattoos. I mean why are we putting pictures of humans we don't even know permanently on our bodies? (Although, this isn't nearly as bad as the people who get championship tattoos before the team even wins a championship. Many such cases. So very stupid.)

No, I'm not calling this woman stupid. Clearly, she loves Caitlin Clark, and I love that for her. But I AM saying she's not really great with attention to detail.

Because this action shot of her sports hero has Caitlin shooting …with her left hand. Caitlin is a righty.

OOF.

Although — to be fair — she can probably still shoot better with her non-dominant hand than half of the league can normally.

Anyway, I hope the Fever give this lady courtside seats in the playoffs. I feel like permanently defacing your body warrants at least a nice view of the game.

Anyone Up For Some Cardio Drumming?

I swear, some people will do anything except just lift weights, walk and eat healthy food.

Look, I'm a lunatic. I know that. I obsess over my workout routine, and I'm always looking for a new challenge. Some people have different priorities, and I get that. You don't have to spend hours and hours in the gym, count every calorie or torture yourself to be healthy.

I'm a firm believer that whatever gets your body moving — whether it be weightlifting, running, walking, pilates, swimming, hiking, team sports, dancing or chasing your kids around the house — is a good thing. And I think we should encourage people to get active however they enjoy getting active.

But, respectfully, WTF is this?

I kept waiting for the "workout" part of the workout, and it never happened. And the comments did not disappoint …or disagree with me.

It's actually so much easier to walk a mile outside everyday.

The fact that they're wearing running shoes (laughing emojis)

10 sets of tomfoolery

Taking the groceries inside would burn more calories.

Is the cardio in the room with us?

"We deserve a little treat after this!"

Look, maybe these chicks are having fun, and good for them. Bang on that rubber ball all you want. But the problem is that these women are likely PAYING for this. And a month from now, they're going to be like, "I don't understand! I've been going to workout classes every day, and I still haven't lost any weight!"

Just pick up some damn dumbbells, ladies.

Let's open the mailbag.

Gen X Warren On Artsy Horror Flicks

Sunday night, my husband and I streamed The Watchers on Max. It's a new thriller by M. Night Shyamalan's daughter, Ishana. The IMDb ratings are very "meh," but I liked it! I mean, you really have to suspend disbelief on some things, but such is the case with most fantasy/horror movies anyway.

We've been chatting here in Nightcaps about scary movies that are good and scary movies that are not worth our time. I've mentioned a couple "artsy" films that I didn't love.

Gen X Warren weighs in:

After seeing your post about terrible artsy horror movies, I thought I’d mention one. In the early 2000s (but I saw it in 2005), there was an art house horror film called "Wendigo" by a good director and starring Patricia Clarkson, known for excellent indie movie roles. How could it be bad?

Well, let me tell you, it was AWFUL, and as my buddy said, it was like they stumbled upon a wendigo costume and decided to make a film on budget of 38 cents.

Great horror films: John Carpenter’s "The Thing," "An American Werewolf in London," "The Fog" (also Carpenter), and other 70s and 80s classics.

Amber:

Man, I swear with these super artsy things, people just pretend to like them. As if being into kombucha or some garbage, low-budget film is somehow going to make you better than everyone else, who is clearly too caveman-ish to appreciate its depth. [fart noise, jack-off motion]

Thanks for the heads up on Wendigo. I Googled it, and apparently there are four of them (1978, 2001, 2011, 2022). They all have terrible IMDb ratings except the 2011 one. Maybe that one's better?

A Wendigo (so says Google) is half-man, half-deer. I immediately pictured a centaur with antlers, but I guess it's more of a dude in a ghillie suit wearing an antelope skull?

38 cents only gets you so far, I guess.

Boring Norm Is A Menace In The Neighborhood Group Chat

If I can stand at the edge of my property, throw a stone and hit my neighbors house, they are too close. That said, you cannot swing a dead cat in Boring without hitting a tree farm.

That said, I am the guy who responds to any neighborhood forum missing animal posts with, "Are those things good eating?" I have mellowed, but I am still a jerk at heart.

Amber:

Imagine being some poor distraught old lady whose Shih Tzu got out of the yard, and you gotta deal with Norm.

On the bright side, better him than a Wendigo.

Harvey D. Has A Submission For Stick Nation

And it's just the movie poster for Walking Tall. Harvey suspects Sheriff Buford Pusser might be the founding father.

One More Thing: No You Can't Kick A Kangaroo's Ass

Just in case you thought you could hold your own against a kangaroo in a fight, Temu Steve Irwin is here to set you straight. And he brought evidence.

On the other hand, kangaroo boxing would burn a lot more calories than cardio drumming.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.