Experts Warn Americans That 8-Inch Spiders Could Spread Throughout The Country, Just Great

As if inflation, social issues, and men in women’s sports weren’t enough things for Americans to worry about, we’re now about to suffer an invasion of an 8-inch spider from Asia.

Experts say the Jorō spider first came to America roughly a decade ago via international shipping crates in Georgia. However, the species apparently wants to expand their presence in the United State’s ecosystems, and could soon invade more northern states. Because we all know that America needs another creepy spider wandering around our ecosystems.

How do they do this? By creating a balloon-like parachute from their bodies. They could soon appear in New Jersey and New York.

“Because their main methods of dispersal are to either 'balloon' with the wind, or hitch rides on cars, they are generally going to spread to where the wind blows, or where humans are,” Rutgers PhD student and ecologist José R. Ramírez-Garofalo said.

Take a look at the new spider that will likely invade America. (Photo by David Madison/Getty Images)

Great. First Asia gives us COVID-19. Now we’ve gotta deal with spiders that are as big as Kenny Pickett’s hands that can make balloons with their bodies? These spiders should really be the ones our country enforces a travel ban on.

Arachnophobics, I’m truly sorry.

While the body of the spider isn't eight inches, they can reach that length if you account for the length of their legs. Additionally, the Jorō’s bite contains as much venom as a bee sting. But their bite poses no threat to dogs, cats, or humans (unless you’re allergic to bees).

However, researchers remain less sure about the effects the Jorō could pose to our ecosystems. It could be an invasive species, but it could actually help farmers maintain their crops better.

Whatever the case may be, University of Georgia researcher Benjamin Frick said we don’t need to place a kill-on-sight mandate for the spiders.

“There's really no reason to go around actively squishing them,” Frick said. “Humans are at the root of their invasion. Don't blame the Jorō.”

Americans - Myself Included - Will Probably Be Too Scared By The Spider To Follow This Suggestion

With all due respect to a man who is probably way smarter than me, frick his opinion (pun intended).

I get that they don’t pose as big a threat as other arachnids. But at the same time, we don’t know that they’re not a threat. Researchers aren’t yet sure if they are invasive to their environments or not. Plus, who wouldn’t be intimidated by the sight of an 8-inch spider? That’s objectively scary!

If I see one of these things roaming around my pool deck, on a picnic table or - heaven forbid - my bedroom, I’m going to squish it. I’m probably going to have a Bilbo Baggins-esque mindset when I see these spiders. Maybe I’ll even get a glowing sword to help me conquer these terrifying creatures. 

Stay safe out there, America. The next domestic threat is coming to a forest near you.