Elf On The Shelf Is Ruining My Marriage, LeBron Can’t Fool Me, Subway Goes Big & The Mannings Deliver

I surmise he's ruined many a marriages, not just mine.

(If these kids had any sense, they'd realize no one can afford to travel that frequently. Not in Biden's America).

Kids wake up in the morning and the elf is supposed to have moved to a different location from the previous day. If not, all hell breaks loose: "Is he mad at me?" "Is he sick?" "Why didn't he move?"

Cue the tears...

He's also supposed to serve as a sort of watchdog/tattletale, reporting back to the fat guy in the red suit, nightly, that your kid(s) have been naughty or nice.

The premise isn't so bad, but the act of being Elf on the Shelf's handler is downright exhausting and the pay is terrible.

Elf on the Shelf has weaseled his way into Fox Sports. (Photo by Stacy Revere/Getty Images).

And, as I mentioned above, it's ruining my wedded bliss.

See, I have two kids, one of whom is still very much a believer. And my wife insists that our Elf make his yearly debut Thanksgiving night. Damn near a full month before the big day. *There are no hard rules for when one's elf is scheduled to arrive each year. Some families are a month out, others a couple of weeks, or even just a few days.

Not this household. The Mrs. insists on an early arrival. She's fired up to hide the elf the first two, maybe three nights. And then, it magically becomes my responsibility. She's essentially the Ben Simmons of this operation, showing up the first week of the season before opting for street clothes.

When it comes to hiding the elf, my wife is essentially Ben Simmons. (Simmons Photo/Getty Images).

What all this means is: I have to wait out the kids going to bed, avoid falling asleep in the recliner, remember to move the damn elf, and most importantly - transport him to a different spot.

I live in a ranch. There's only so many places this plastic pain in the ass can put down roots.

At least once a week I forget to move the elf. True story, I forgot again last night. What follows is a frantic morning of my wife waking me up, hitting me, giving me the evil eye and scolding me for failing to move Elf on the Shelf.

Keep in mind, I never volunteered for this job, it was bestowed upon me.

Silent treatment ensues and dirty looks are much more present than any yule logs. All because of that stupid little elf.

Tensions are high in this house.

Bah humbug.

Speaking Of Christmas, How About A Little Tree Theft

Tell ya what, I wouldn't hate if someone stole that damn elf. My tree on the other hand, that would be an issue. But that's what happened to a California family who had their freshly picked $250 tree lifted directly from their car.

Literally.

Last weekend, in San Mateo, CA. (it's always Cali), a yet to be identified person pulled behind a parked SUV with a new tree tied to its roof. In a matter of seconds, a man sprung from his neighboring car, cut the rope holding the tree to the roof, grabbed the tree and loaded it into his own SUV.

Then, he hopped into his luxury ride and drove away.

What's more shocking, that this happened in broad daylight or that someone driving an Infiniti SUV couldn't scrounge up $250 for a tree of their own?

Or maybe the most surprising thing is that this happened in California...

Ha, yeah right!

Sean McVay Has Fantasy Jokes

Speaking of California, Rams coach Sean McVay was feeling himself this week after Sunday's dismantling of the Browns. And rightfully so. LA toyed with Cleveland in a way Deshaun Watson can only dream a masseuse would him. They kept pounding, never stopped.

After the game, McVay was asked why he choose to run the ball from the 2-yard line, up eight with under two minutes to play and Cleveland out of timeouts. This, instead of kneeling the ball then kicking a field goal.

The coach dialed up running back Kyren Williams' number resulting in a touchdown.

McVay's response when asked why he opted for a relatively unnecessary six: "Kyren's on my fantasy team."

Love it. This is the coach speak we're here for. My only complaint is that McVay didn't hesitate long enough - or at all - before admitting: "It's a joke. It's a joke. I don't really mean that. I'm kidding."

Let it breathe, Sean.

LeBron's Not Fooling Anyone

Over on the other side of the hell hole that is Los Angeles, LeBron was doing his best to give the impression that he's outworking everyone else.

Roughly four hours before the Suns-Lakers tipped, LBJ was on the court warming up. The only other people doing so were the Lakers cheerleaders. No Suns players, no Lakers. Sure, we can applaud the work ethic here, but I'm not buying it. LeBron knew what he was doing.

This is the old high school move...get a few shots up while the cheerleaders are on the court, hope to impress one (or two) and keep it moving.

"Oh, there's a bunch of cheerleaders nearby? I was just working on my jumper. I had no idea..."

I'll give credit where credit's due. Veteran move from the NBA's all-time leading scorer.

Little Kid Discovers Thong

Do you remember where you were the first time you laid eyes on a piece of dental floss between a set of butt cheeks? Me neither. But one little kid surely won't forget the first time he saw that thong th-thong, thong, thong (hat tip Sisqo).

Check it out and try not to reach through your screen to high-five this curious youngster.

Full disclosure: I have no idea if this video is a few days old or three years old. All I know is that it was brought to my attention this week for the first time and I had to share it.

This little guy is not only fascinated, but also handsy. Just wait until he sneaks a peek of a non-mannequin going suns out, buns out for the first time.

Assuming he's able to avoid jail time when he gets older, this Casanova's going to be a hell of a hang.

Kay Adams Is More Clothed, Thanks To The Mannings

"Queen" Kay Adams, as my Nightcaps teammate Zach Dean likes to call her, was much more dressed than the above mannequin during Monday Night Football. And she has Peyton and Eli Manning to thank.

Adams was a guest on Monday's ManningCast and joked on - what we used to call Twitter - that she needed a blue quarter zip (like the Manning brothers).

After returning from a commercial break a short time after her tweet, Adams had herself a blue quarter zip.

The ManningCast production team was obviously listening, or following Adams' social feed. As Adams later told viewers, the quarter zip was delivered to her by drone.

“Omaha Productions had a drone drop this out outside of my house,” Adams said during the broadcast. “That’s how incredible that crew is.”

Though the sweater was delivered in timely fashion, Adams fabricated the drone part of the story. She went on to confess that a nearby producer dropped the sweater to her sometime in the first quarter. That doesn't make it any less impressive.

What I'm Eating This Week: A Big Ass Cookie

Though Adams uses Postmates for clothing delivery, I'd pair my late night football viewing with a Postmates food delivery. And I wouldn't let the fact that National Cookie Day was two days ago (look it up) stop me from ordering up a big ass cookie from the best sandwich artist's around.

As any cookie connoisseur could tell you, Subway's doing it big next year. How big? Footlong cookie big. Yep. The sandwich chain is releasing one of their famous cookies in a footlong version beginning in '24.

If you've never had a cookie from Subway, shame on you. They are the absolute best. I will hear no arguments. Macadamia nut is more pleasing than laying eyes on a thong'd up mannequin for the first time. Chocolate chip is a very close second. And now they're making these in the 12" variety.

Christmas came early (and so did that damn Elf on the Shelf).

Paul Fabre, Subway's Senior Vice President, Culinary and Innovation said in a press release: "...thick, gooey, packed with chocolate chips and served warm – right out of the oven." He later added, "It’s the perfect pairing with your favorite footlong sub and may even become your favorite footlong after the first bite.”  

Dammit, I bet Paul's right.

Subway cookie rankings, in order:

Do you agree with my rankings or should I have not left Florida State out? Let me know via email: anthony.farris@outkick.com or on X, @OhioAF. *If you don't have Macadamia Nut or Chocolate Chip up top we're gonna have issues.

Tac(k)o Wednesday?

We're a day late for both cookies and tacos, but since when has that stopped us? Bring on the tacos! Better yet, make it Tackos, as in Tacko Fall. Remember him? The 7'6 center made Zion Williamson look small (no easy task) when Zion was at Duke and Fall playing for UCF.

Fall has bounced around the NBA and G-League since and is currently playing - and embarrassing dudes - in China. Look what he did earlier this week.

Poor number one's gotta call it a career. There's no coming back from that.

Clocking Out And Saving My Marriage

I've got to start planning our elf's next landing spot, so it's time for me to close up shop. Let's do it again next week. Until then, enjoy the (Subway) crumbs!

*Nightcaps publishes at roughly 4pm Monday through Friday.

Follow along on X: @OhioAF