Dude, Where's My Game? 'Cyberpunk 2077' Is A Total Mess

Published|Updated

You’ve seen the gazillion commercials for the video game “Cyberpunk 2077.” Keanu Reeves stares menacingly into the camera and sneers:

“In 2077, what makes someone a criminal? Getting caught.”

The more urgent question for game players is: In 2020, what causes a major release game like “Cyberpunk 2077” to get dropped from Sony’s PlayStation Store only weeks before Christmas? It’s a little complicated.

IGN reports that Sony Interactive Entertainment will not only give “Cyberpunk 2077” players refunds, but it has also removed the game from the PlayStation Store “until further notice.”

So what happened? You probably are thinking, “None of this can be good, right?” Oh how right you are. It’s a mess of epic proportions.

According to the IGN report, the game’s launch included “a significant performance gap” between the PC and PS4 (or PS5) versions. 

Game builder CD Project Red has apologized for the snafu, saying, “We should have paid more attention to making it play better on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One.”

What does this mean? Think of it like this: You had eight years to work on a thesis, and the night before it was due, your dog peed on your laptop and killed all your work. So you chugged a dozen Red Bulls and tried to make it all happen in one night. Not the best business plan.

Or to employ a more traditional sports analogy: It’s like if the Super Bowl took eight years to plan out and then all the TV equipment crapped out and they broadcast it with three dudes on iPhones.

In a word, it sucks.

Even worse, the bugs include — we kid you not — characters’ penises poking out through their pants. Heck, how does that even happen? That’s worse than the butthole cut in the movie “Cats.”

So they rushed this thing out to make it in time for the holidays, and it blows. Not a good look. Players are used to beta versions and patches to improve play, but this takes the concept to a whole new level. 

Hey Keanu, where’s Rufus and his phone booth when you need them? You coulda just gone and fixed the game in the future, and then shipped it to the past, which is now the present. Whoa.