Dolphins Retiring 'Fins Up' Motto, FBI Gets Community Noted, Thoughts On Panera Karen & Don't Call Lindsay Lohan A 'Fire Crotch'
Happy Tuesday, my friends! I hope today's Nightcaps finds you toasty warm and not piled under several feet of snow.
We got about 7 inches here at my house in Murfreesboro (according to my tape measurer). That translates to about 3 feet for the states who are equipped for winter weather, so it's a big deal.
Tennessee goes into absolute panic mode when we get any sort of accumulation. Everything is closed, schools shut down, no one drives for a week, grocery stores cleared out of milk and bread. It's snowpocalypse in the South, and I love it.
I know my readers up north probably want to throw me face first into a snow bank for even saying that.
My old lady Lucy living her best life.
Look, I'm from the Midwest. Snow isn't new to me. But it's rare down here, so I like to soak it up when I can.
My husband was up at the crack of dawn yesterday morning — with the enthusiasm of a guy who grew up doing donuts in parking lots in Northern Illinois — ready to blast down some unplowed, unsalted back roads. I took the dog running through the powdery white fluff. And we capped off the night with a drink in the hot tub while the snow fell around us.
This is the good life.
But whether you're snowed in or not, you deserve a drink, too (hot tub optional). So grab one, put on your cozy socks and let's do some Nightcaps!
Dolphins Will Retire Fins Up Motto
How many L's can this franchise take in one week?
The Miami Dolphins are being forced to surrender their "Fins Up" motto because it's already trademarked.
And you'll never guess by whom.
(Photo by Al Pereira/WireImage)
OK, the trademark isn't owned by Jimmy Buffett himself (RIP), rather by his company Margaritaville Enterprises. And apparently, they've had it for several years. But now that they're opening a new Fins Up! Beach Club in Fort Myers Beach, they've decided to get stingy about it.
But don't you worry your pretty little tails, Miami faithful!
The Internet has some ideas for the team's new motto.
Brutal.
And while I won't get too far into the Dolphins' crushing defeat in the frozen hellhole of Arrowhead (Zach pretty much covered it yesterday), I will address the elephant in the room.
Yes, I knew it was coming. Yes, I'm still bummed. And yes, I'll still approach next season with the same misguided enthusiasm and a hope that this year will be different.
So to all of you who made your way into my comments, DMs and emails either to gloat or console, it's cool. We can still be friends.
Except for this out-of-touch Patriots guy. He can pound sand.
Brent Is Questioning My Fanhood
You are a Miami Dolphins fan who lives in Tennessee and you're from Illinois. What?
Amber:
I'm actually from Indiana, but when you're standing out in the middle of a cornfield, what's really the difference? Anyway, I inherited my Dolphins love from my dad, and I've been cheering them on since I was in diapers.
It's a fair question, though. I get it. Because I get annoyed by, say, Alabama football fans who have never seen the state past the view from I-65.
But, Brent, I assure you — If I were going to bandwagon a football team, I would not pick the one that hasn't won a playoff game in 23 years. And counting.
And Here It Comes...
You talked so much sh-t about the Chiefs this year! You're so tired of them.. they suck! Eating your words?
Amber:
Still hate the Chiefs. Still sick of them. Consider my words uneaten.
Don't Call Lindsay Lohan A 'Fire Crotch'
I'm sure every single one of you broke down the doors at your local movie theater on Friday for a chance to see the new Mean Girls musical.
Before that, though, the official premiere took place in New York City earlier in the week. All the stars showed up, including the cast of the film, creator Tina Fey and even Lindsay Lohan — who, obviously, starred in the original Mean Girls back in 2005.
But Lindsay did not leave happy.
In one scene, Megan Thee Stallion makes a dig toward Cady Heron (Lohan's original character) and her Christmas-themed talent show outfit.
"Y2K fire crotch is back."
(Photo by Jason Mendez/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures)
Uh-oh.
It all stems from an incident in 2006 when spoiled rich brat Paris Hilton was hanging out with fellow spoiled rich brat Brandon Davis, who is the grandson of an oil tycoon.
Speaking with paparazzi, Davis launches into an unhinged rant about Lohan. During his articulate and classy, diatribe he says he "wouldn't f-ck her with a 10-foot pole" because "her is orange." He and Paris would never hang out with "sticky, smelly freckles" and anyone who has freckles should "get the f-ck away" because it's "worse than AIDS."
And Paris laughs hysterically like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard.
I said they were rich. I didn't say they were smart.
Paris Hilton is a real-life Mean Girl.
Lindsay did not appreciate Brandon and Paris mocking her then, and she still doesn't appreciate it now.
Lohan's rep released a statement about the movie scene on Monday, noting: "Lindsay was very hurt and disappointed by the reference in the film."
Now, Lindsay is not without her own faults over the years and she certainly doesn't need me to defend her. But as a Millennial who grew up watching The Parent Trap remake on repeat, I will not tolerate the slander!
The "fire crotch" callback was unnecessary and a little low. I'm honestly surprised Tina Fey included it — especially since she and Lindsay are supposedly friends.
But since bringing back old Lindsay digs is on the table, let's take a moment to remember that time South Park eviscerated Paris Hilton. And then we'll call it even Stevens.
If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and look up season 8, episode 12. It's called Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset. You're welcome.
Panera Has No Patience For Your Screaming Child
This video from "Panera Karen" has been circulating the Internet, so let's dive in.
A mom recorded an interaction with a drive-thru worker who refused to take her screaming because her child was screaming in the backseat. And the video starts with her asking him if that is really the case.
"Yes I have the right to do that, you're more than welcome to come inside or you can place an order online and we'll make it for you," the worker replies.
The woman did not want to come inside because her kid had no shoes on. And I'm not sure how that's the drive-thru employee's problem. But she also didn't want to order online because it would take too long.
Karen posted this video on TikTok, probably expecting everyone to take her side. But that's not what happened. The comments are flooded with people explaining why she's in the wrong.
Here are a few:
I worked fast food years ago… it’s hard enough to understand what customers are saying without a screaming child in the speaker.
As a former fast food worker, I’m on the guy’s side. Keep in mind the employee has EARPHONES on.
I work in drive thru and the intercom projects a customer’s voice twice as louder through the headset than customers think. As a drive thru cashier, I barely understand half of the time when customer’s children are talking /yelling/etc…
OMG is she kidding? I bet if he got her order wrong over a screaming kid she would be the first to complain. The audacity of some parents.
Panera Karen Put In Her Place
I actually love that employees are starting to fight back against the entitlement. Reminds me of that Delta incident a few weeks ago.
In fairness to the lady, we hear the child let out a high-pitched, ear-piercing wail at the beginning of the video, but he/she stays pretty quiet after that. So realistically, the employee probably could have taken her order.
BUT (a big but, and I cannot lie) we didn't get to see what happened before she started filming. I'm willing to bet the kid was loud and the mom was rude as hell.
A disclaimer: I'm not kid or parent shaming. I know babies and toddlers have meltdowns. It happens. It's OK. And service industry employees should do their best to accommodate children and parents, within reason.
I worked in foodservice for the better part of a decade — both waiting tables and bartending. I know kids will be kids. They'll have tantrums, they'll make messes, they'll want to run around in a crowded restaurant when they shouldn't.
But there are two types of parents in that situation: The ones who are kind to the employees and do their best to keep the kid from causing mass chaos ...and the ones who let their hellion run amuck unsupervised and then complain to corporate when someone says something to them about it.
Panera Karen gives the latter vibes.
Also, it makes me wonder how Beavis & Butthead would have handled this situation.
(Might start making string bracelets with the acronym W.W.B.A.B-H.D. Let me know if you'd buy one.)
Thanks to this scene, my husband and I say "Uhh... I refuse" anytime we ask each other to do even the smallest of tasks.
FBI Gets Community Noted Nuked
No one is safe from X's Community Notes — not even the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Just like every corporation and government agency on a federal holiday, the FBI sent out a tweet Monday to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
'This #MLKDay, the #FBI honors one of the most prominent leaders of the Civil Rights movement and reaffirms its commitment to Dr. King’s legacy of fairness and equal justice for all."
That's lovely. Except history remembers — and so does social media.
The FBI got absolutely bodied by Community Notes: "The FBI engaged in surveillance of King, attempted to discredit him, and used manipulation tactics to influence him to stop organizing. King’s family believe the FBI was responsible for his death."
Nice.
Can't wait to see what the FBI communications team has for us next: Top-10 Reasons Why We Love The Patriot Act? Remembering the victims of Waco?
Keep up the great work, guys.
But believe it or not, the MLK/FBI debacle wasn't even the best Community Note of the day.
Nope, that honor belongs to this one right here.
An unexpected nautical theme today! Started it with Jimmy Buffett and the Dolphins and ended it with a sea urchin's butthole.
Imagine not reading Nightcaps. I could never.
Stuff That Made Me LOL
I know Zach covered Skip vs. Trashcan at length yesterday, but for the first time in my life, I actually have some empathy for Skip Bayless.
I, too, have one of those stupid automatic trash cans. And it never, ever cooperates. I can't tell you how many times I've dumped bacon grease or coffee grounds all over the floor because my trash can lid is actively working against me.
About half of the United States and all of Canada right now:
He's beauty and he's grace. He fell flat on his face.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.