Dew Dogs Are Real And They’re Spectacularly Horrifying

Ever have one of those days where you took a look at what was happening in the world and thought, "I think I just want to crawl back in bed." Dew Dogs gave me one of those days.

I feel like deep in the recess of my brain which is good for an occasional electrifying bar trivia performance and not much else, I remember hearing that Mountain Dew and hot dogs were going to be teaming for some kind of unholy green frankfurter.

Now, I've seen them and would you believe it was thanks to Jamey Jasta, the singer of the band Hatebreed.

Jasta was cruising through the aisles of his local grocery store when he stumbled across the crime against nature so disturbing that it startled a seasoned metal musician like Jasta, a man who has penned tunes like "Everyone Bleeds Now" and "Destroy Everything."

Bro WTF is going on, indeed...

Dew Dogs Exist Even Though The Don't Need To

The folks in the Mountain Dew R&D department didn't overthink this one at all.

It feels like someone said, "What if we packaged hot dogs in Mountain Dew? Like we just dump Mountain Dew in the bag and slap a label on them. At the very least, stoners would probably buy them Hell, we can call them Dew Wieners."

Eventually, someone else amended the name to "Dew Dogs" and now packs of glizzies with a radioactive glow can be picked up at your local supermarket.

Although, couldn't one make their own Dew Dogs? You just need some dogs and some Dew to marinate them in. That seems weird, but is it any weirder than going down to the nearest Piggly Wiggly and picking up a pack of genuine Dew Dogs-brand Dew Dogs?

I don't think so.

I'm going to count myself out on these puppies. I was intrigued by mustard Skittles, but I'm not a big Mountain Dew guy.

Especially not with meat floating in it.

Now, the only question remaining is how many of these bad boys do we think Joey Chestnut could put away in 10 minutes?

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle