Detroit Pistons Stink, Michigan Needs DUDE Wipes, Topless Dog Walking And College Football Eggnog Baths
What day is it? Let’s be honest, none of us really know. The only reason I knew it was Wednesday was because my weekly calendar reminder popped up this morning and told me today is my day to write Nightcaps. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more surprised. But here we are - my body is currently 45% cookies, 45% alcohol and 10% whatever is supposed to be there.
But rather than ruin a good time, let’s keep the party going. Sadly, it’s BYOB, but I will assist where I can, something the Detroit Pistons aren't as willing to do.
What we won't do is walk our dog topless in Brazil like model Caroline Werner. Because no one wants to spend the holidays in handcuffs, right? And of course we'll make sure we're moving our bowels as frequently as we're supposed to. Because, again, it's the holidays - no one other than a lingerie-shopping Clark W. Griswold should be uncomfortable.
And you better believe we'll contemplate dropping millions to spend some time in a Home Alone 2 location. Or maybe we'll spend a little less but get a close-up view of that stadium that Favre and Aaron Rodgers used to call home. Can't let that Christmas money go to waste!
Before we do all, we'll explore the idea of an eggnog bath with a pair of college football coaches. But first, let's quickly revisit Christmas day...
How'd You Spend Your Christmas?
All things considered, I had a great Christmas. Kids were thrilled, bellies were filled, wallet received a brief breather after months of going hard. However, there was one bit of coal that found its way into my home on Monday. Our garbage disposal broke. Generally not that big of a deal, until you consider we were hosting 30+ people roughly three hours after learning that the disposal took the day off. That meant the kitchen sink was out of order. And pots and pans filled with oil and grease had to be emptied into the backyard time and time again. I definitely got my steps in on Monday.
Had a similar Christmas curveball? Let me know via email: anthony.farris@outkick.com or on X, @OhioAF.
Having a garbage disposal quit on you on Christmas stinks. No question. But you know what stinks even worse?
...The Detroit Pistons Stink, Stank, Stunk
As OutKick's Alejandro Avila noted last night, Detroit set an NBA record for futility on Tuesday, losing their 27th straight game. No team in the history of the NBA has lost as many consecutive games as the Pistons.
The Detroit Pistons have lost 27 consecutive games. (Photo by Nic Antaya/Getty Images).
Can that famous PA announcer even still yell "Deeee-troit, bas-ket-baaaaalllll" at Pistons games? No way he can, right? You just have to sit quietly at this point.
Also, they deserve to lose at least that many games in a row for wearing such atrocious uniforms. What happened to red, white and blue? You mess with the classics, you have to deal with the consequences.
Detroit last won a basketball game on 10/28. In the time since most recently tasted victory, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas have all come and gone. Florida State seemed destined for the CFP, Joe Flacco was unemployed, Sports Illustrated was using AI to write their articles and Brock Purdy was considered something other than ordinary.
What a time to be a Pistons fan.
A College Football Coach Is Getting An Eggnog Bath Tonight
Speaking of things that stink...USC's season started with National Championship aspirations and could end tonight with an eggnog bath. Or at least an eggnog bath for their coach, Lincoln Riley.
The Trojans square off with 16th-ranked Louisville this evening in the DirectTV Holiday Bowl. And the bowl has announced that either Riley, or Louisville's Jeff Brohm (whoever wins), will receive a celebratory post-game eggnog bath.
It almost makes you want to not win. Think about it - you can win the illustrious DirectTV Holiday Bowl that no one will remember and walk off the field drenched in eggnog. Or you can leave the field dry, with a loss in a meaningless game and head for vacation.
Tough call.
Give me the L, dry underwear and a body that doesn't smell like eggnog.
Ever Consider Walking The Dog Topless?
Brazilian model Caroline Werner need not worry about a shirt full of eggnog. That's because she wasn't wearing a shirt when recently taking her dog for a stroll.
The shirtless walk led to her being arrested for public indecency.
(a quick Google search can show you said walk, if you're into that kind of thing)
37-year-old Werner told Brazilian media outlet G1 this week that back in May she was out for a topless stroll with her dog in Brazil when she was arrested for public indecency. Werner told G1 she began her walk with a top on but removed it during her walk and was approached by authorities a short time later.
"When crossing the street to leave the dogs, I was approached by the Municipal Guard in a completely arbitrary and disproportionate way," Werner told G1. "They arrived already putting my hands behind me and handcuffing me."
Wener went on to say that she was mistreated once brought in by police: handcuffed to a railing on the ceiling, placed in a dark cell and unable to speak to a lawyer.
And she's now arguing that she should be allowed to walk her dog shirtless since a man can do so with no repercussions. “Unfortunately in my country, even though the Constitution ensures gender equality, in practice this does not happen, I cannot have the same freedom and I feel coerced into doing so by this system and the repressive interpretation of the law,” Werner said, per G1. “What should be natural for both genders ends up being denied to one of them in an arbitrary and repressive manner.”
If convicted of obscenity, Werner can be fined and would face three months to a year in prison.
Ladies, let this be a lesson to keep the puppies covered when walking the dogs in Brazil.
Home Alone 2 House Up For Sale
Though you can't publicly release the hounds in Brazil, you certainly can do so in the privacy of the Home Alone 2 townhouse where Kevin, Harry and Marv frantically tried to injure one another. That's assuming you have nearly $7 million to throw down.
The four bedroom, four bathroom Upper West Side home in New York is on the market for $6.7 million. This home - which looks much different than it did in 1992 - was prominently featured in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. If you remember, the home belonged to Kevin's uncle who just so happened to be out of town when Kevin was lost in New York.
It's located at 51 West 95th Street between Central Park West and Columbus Avenue and is 4,776-square-foot.
photo courtesy of Zillow.
photo courtesy of Zillow.
Per Zillow, this townhouse offers a generous living space adorned with beautiful moldings, high ceilings, rich walnut floors, and two sets of bay windows. It also features integrated A/V system options, ample storage capacity, and two private outdoor spaces.
photo courtesy of Zillow.
photo courtesy of Zillow.
This house was built in 1900 and has been on Zillow for 103 days, so act fast!
Or You Can Be By Lambeau Field...
If you're on the move and New York isn't really your thing and you're more of a football fan (do the Jets and Giants still have teams?), you can save $6 million and buy a pad that is walking distance to Lambeau Field.
Four bedrooms, two baths, a pool and a hot tub. All just steps away from Lambeau Field. This spot also has a full basement amongst its 2,112 square feet. And again, you are steps away from Lambeau Field. Image the amount of cash you can rake in on fall Sundays by charging Pack fans to park in your driveway and front yard. You'd have this house paid off in a couple of seasons if the Pack goes on a playoff run.
photo courtesy of Zillow.
I guess that's a decent spot to entertain...
Speaking Of Moving, Let's Talk Bowels!
Days removed from Christmas, gastroenterologists have decided to give us one more thing. That thing is the gift of knowing whether it's OK to not poop everyday.
Isn't that nice of them?
And considering at least a small portion of you are no doubt reading this while taking your bowels for a walk (with a shirt on, of course), allow me to drop their findings for your reading pleasure.
Apparently there is some concern that it may not be healthy to not drop a deuce on a daily basis. But fear not, there's no cause for concern.
(I suggest some prune juice)
"It’s totally normal to have different frequencies of bowel movements, and not pooping daily does not automatically signal any issues or cause for concern.
Some people just have slower motility or contract less and therefore they may go less frequently,” Andrew DuPont, a gastroenterologist, said per Yahoo.
Another gastroenterologist, Babak Firoozi, also spoke with Yahoo and agreed with DuPont, stating: “I think people get it in their minds that they have to go every day otherwise it’s not good for their health. But that’s not the case, as long as you’re regular. You should be consistent and you should not have any discomfort. Don’t worry if you don’t go on a given day.”
The way I read that is: quality over quantity. But that's just me.
Oh, Michigan by the way, apparently has no problems staying regular.
Between the Pistons and the state in general, it seems as if The Great Lakes State should've had DUDE Wipes on their Christmas lists.
See You Next Year!
That's a wrap for today. But don't worry, like Michigan, we keep things regular around these parts so we'll do this whole Nightcaps thing again next week. It'll be 2024 and I feel pretty confident that the Pistons will still stink.
Until then, enjoy your eggnog baths and the best of the rest!
*Nightcaps publishes at roughly 4pm Monday through Friday.
Follow along on X: @OhioAF