Demi Moore Is Pro-Flatulence, Americans Want Cheaper Beer, Funny Fake News & The Wholesome Buffalo Bills
How come the smoke detector battery always goes out at 2 in the morning?
Seriously.
Never in the history of the modern world has a person been chilling in their living room at a reasonable hour — say 3 p.m. — when their smoke detector suddenly starts chirping. You know, when it would be relatively easy to just stroll to the junk drawer, grab a 9V and a stepstool, then change that sucker out real quick.
No, no. It can never happen like that.
Last night, my husband and I returned home to Tennessee after two and a half weeks traveling up north. Phenomenal trip, but man, we were exhausted and excited to sleep in our own bed again. Until around 2 a.m., when we were rudely jarred awake by the worst sound known to man (other than maybe that song about what the fox says).
We begrudgingly get up, and my husband fumbles through the dark into the garage to dig for the appropriate batteries. Meanwhile, I wander around the house trying to diagnose which of our seven smoke detectors is screaming at us. (That honestly feels excessive for a 1,400-square-foot home, but what do I know?) At one point, I glanced over at our (very deaf) old dog, who was sound asleep on the couch. I've never been so jealous of her.
After what felt like an eternity (but was probably only 30 minutes), we found the source of the problem and changed out the battery. Unfortunately, though, we were wide awake after that.
This whole thing reminded me of the time a couple of weeks ago when that Niners player went on Up & Adams with a chirping smoke alarm and said he DIDN'T NOTICE IT. Truly psychotic behavior.
Needless to say, I'm a little tired today. A lot tired, actually. Which does not bode well for the start of my fresh week of training for the Ragnar Relay. We're a little under two months out now for the Bourbon Chase, and Team Screencaps is getting serious.
So the show must go on. I can't let the team down. I'll put on my big girl pants and get my run in today — although it will have to wait until the sun goes down because I missed my brief morning window before it got as hot as the devil's butthole outside.
Gotta stay hydrated, my friends. Grab a cold one and pull up a chair. Hell, pull up two. Like this:
It's Nightcaps time!
Man Arrested For Jogging Shirtless
Since it is 400 degrees with 98% humidity outside, my running attire is as follows: shorts, sports bra, hydration vest, sweat rag. And even then, it's too much.
In this heat, I am jealous of you fellas — exercising shirtless without a couple of heavy weights strapped to your chest. I mean, I guess I could try that, too, but then I'd surely be arrested for indecent exposure.
Like this guy, who had the greatest interview of all time:
"One for each t*tty" nearly took me out.
OK, OK, so I regret to inform you that this is not a real news story. This guy has a YouTube channel, where he edits his fake interviews into real local news segments. And it's incredible.
Here are a couple more:
This reminds me of my grad school days at Arizona State. (I went to Tennessee for undergrad — just clarifying before anyone calls me a front-runner for being a Vols fan and not a Sun Devils fan.)
Anyway, because I'm a very serious Big-J Journalist, I got my master's degree in mass communication. And as part of the coursework, I had to take a media ethics class.
Cue Michael Scott… "Let's Get Ethical!"
And while being an honest and ethical reporter is very important, this class was just one big, woke circle jerk. (Clearly, I learned a lot.) And this was 12 years ago before it was even trendy to be woke!
Anywho, in one particularly enlightening session, we watched a series of news videos that my professor deemed "problematic." And then we had to discuss why these segments were problematic.
The first one was one of the funniest and most famous local news stories of all time — when residents in Mobile, Ala., thought they saw a leprechaun in a tree. If you haven't seen it, just watch. My description can't do it justice.
The whole class was (understandably) chuckling by the end of this news story. Until, that is, Professor Holier-Than-Thou scolded us. We shouldn't be laughing, she explained, because this news station "exploited and humiliated these poor people for cheap amusement."
So — now put firmly in our place — we moved on to the next headline: Popeyes in Rochester, N.Y., ran out of chicken.
This one, she explained, was a problem because it played off the stereotype of African-Americans who enjoy fried chicken. Never mind the fact that there are just as many black people in Rochester as there are white people (per census data, not just my observation)… and many of them happened to be in the line for Popeyes that day.
So there you go, future journalists of America, you must never objectively report what you see. You must manipulate the headlines and coverage based on the skin color of those involved.
I wish that was a joke, but that's absolutely the philosophy of far too many media outlets.
Speaking of…
American Hero Tackles The Real Issues
Humble brag, I graduated No. 1 in my class at ASU. And it really grinds the journalism department's gears that I went on to work for a conservative-leaning news organization.
But Dr. Ethics would be proud to know that I now write a weekly column where we laugh at all funny news stories — including those that involve white people.
So with that said, let's go to Temu Kid Rock for his thoughts on the state of the U.S. economy:
Beer truly is the working man's Gatorade. And working woman's. (And non-binaries and transgenders and furries and two-spirit, flying cat people, too.)
Don't want to leave anyone out. Just trying to make my ethics professor proud.
Demi Moore Wants To Normalize Farting
If you had told me when I was that super straight-A+ overachiever in college that someday I'd be sitting on my couch writing about Demi Moore's farts, I most certainly would not have believed you. But ASU is probably going to revoke my degree after this tirade today, anyway, so what the hell.
The actress recently teamed up with a digestive health company called Wonderbelly to promote a book about the history of flatulence: An Adult's Guide To Farts. And it is really something.
"There's no shame in a fart," Demi says. "It's totally normal, and accepting that is accepting a part of yourself."
How the mighty have fallen, huh?
I still want to look like her when I'm 61, though. Clearly, her secret is free farting — and a skilled team of plastic surgeons.
Not that I'm hating on that, by the way. If I had Demi's bank account, you bet your sweet melons I'd be aging like fine wine, too.
I do admire the authenticity, though. We need more of that from women in Hollywood. Pam Anderson got it started with the no-makeup trend, and now Demi is flaunting her flatulence.
What's next? Sydney Sweeney narrates the audiobook for Everyone Poops?
The Buffalo Bills Are Very Wholesome
During media day, the Bills' social media team put the players on the spot — telling them to call someone and say, "I love you."
See? We aren't all farts and fake news around here. We do heartwarming, too!
I don't have much to add to this except that I used to run social media for the Tennessee Titans — back when they really sucked at football. And sometimes it was difficult to get players to participate (enthusiastically, anyway) in silly stunts like this.
So kudos to these guys for being good sports. And for making all their moms happy.
As a Dolphins fan, that's the last nice thing you'll hear me say about the Bills for at least the next six months.
Stay tuned for my next TikTok video, where I call them just to say, "I hate you."
Stuff I Liked
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.