Danica Patrick's Inauguration Dress Was A Talker, Horny Bill Clinton Caught Staring & Deport Tony Romo!
What a day. I mean, are we BACK or what? Quick quiz for everyone before we start. That's right. Pop quiz!
How many genders are there in the US of A?
Two! Ding, ding, ding! You are right! If you answer anything else, I'll direct you to President Trump's speech from about four hours ago and invite you to retake the test next week.
The Libs are done. Defeated. Toast. It's over. DEI is DEAD. The border is already on the mend. I'm pretty sure we can all now swim in the Gulf of America if we so choose. I wouldn't advise it – there's a blizzard in the south right now, if you haven't heard – but if you wanna take a patriotic plunge, go for it!
The scenes from the Capitol today? Electric. Just electric. I could watch George W. make funny faces at the most random moments all day long. It's mesmerizing. Where's Michelle? Who knows! How miserable was Hillary? I'd imagine it was torture. Hope it was, at least.
Donald J. Trump is back. America is back. Nightcaps … never left! So, we, too, are back!
Welcome to a special Inaugural Monday edition – the one where we turn on all of America with Danica Patrick, and hopefully make a few Libs explode along the way.
What else? I've got an absolutely loaded weekend of #content to get to, Taylor Lorenz partying with MAGA patriots – in a MASK! – and Tony Romo driving everyone just insane yesterday.
PS: Tom was good Saturday night. I know the Libs don't wanna hear it, but he was. Sorry!
PPS: Horny Bill Clinton stops by, too!
OK, grab you the most American cocktail possible to celebrate this great damn day, and settle in for a Monday 'Cap!
What a day for America AND Queen Carrie
I mean, how can I not start in the Rotunda? Insane day of #content. Better than I would've ever imagined.
For starters – how the hell am I supposed to get #pageviews over these next four years now that we have a president who can make it through a 45-minute speech without one single gaffe? Joe leaving is great for America. May not be great for the #pageviews. Oh well. I'll take it.
How about Trump just ripping the Bidens to shreds for an hour while they just sat right there behind him? Incredible.
Politics is just so odd to me. Joe and Trump just rode together to the Capitol an hour before, probably talked shit the whole time, and then Trump tees off on him for an hour straight? Hilarious. I don't know that I'd have the plumbs to do it.
Trump does. That's all that matters.
Other takeaways? Horny Mark Zuckerberg captivated America as his comeback tour continues. Barron Trump is a stud. Tiffany Trump HAS to be the most hated kid ever, beyond the Biden grandchild who they ignore. George Bush and Obama causing trouble. Clinton eye-bleeping Carrie Underwood.
What a morning:
More #content (non-inauguration related, mostly)
I'm telling you, I cannot get enough of George W. I know people hate the guy, but I grew up with him, and now he's just sort of like the funny grandpa who used to be a dick, but now he's sort of senile and just does funny shit all the time by accident.
Also … don't blame Bill and/or Joe one bit. Hate the man, respect the move. Fair is fair, and I'd stare at Carrie, too. Sorry, Libs. I said it.
Actually, NOT sorry! Girls are hot! We love boobs and butts! And they are one of only two genders!
There. Take that, Libs. It's a new era. Strap in.
OK, let's get to some of the other #content from a big weekend. Good game, Mark!
Tony, Taylor & Danica!
What a weekend. Couple things …
1. The ref show on Saturday with Pat Mahomes was disgusting, and it's truly making the game unenjoyable, which then makes it unwatchable.
2. Mark Andrews last night? Brutal. I mean, it's gotta be up there with one of the worst moments for a player in playoff history. Oddly enough, the other one that comes to mind? This one, also from the Ravens:
3. Melania? What a day for her. My toddler asked if she was wearing a cowboy hat. Also asked where her eyes were. Honestly, a couple of fair questions. I don't have an answer for either.
4. I can't believe we have to sit through Bills-Chiefs with Tony Romo this week. Pure hell.
Speaking of … rapid-fire time! Start us off, Tony!
Honestly, I didn't think Tony was that bad yesterday. Now, that's a low bar, because I think he's just insufferable. But still, I've seen … worse? Maybe? Perhaps I'm just numb to it, especially when it comes to Josh Allen.
And now we get Tony calling Mahomes-Allen this week. It's going to be brutal. There isn't enough Kleenex in KC to preserve that broadcast booth.
Buckle up.
Next?
Look who was spotted – with a mask (in 2025!!!!!) – partying with the MAGA patriots last night!
Incredible. This chick has always been full of shit. Frankly, they all are. And I'm including the techies at Trump's inauguration today, too. Minus Elon. Maybe.
But Jeff Bezos and horny Zuck? Full of shit. They hated Trump and censored Trump and bent the knee to the mob for YEARS, and all of a sudden Trump is back in the White House, and they're buddy-buddy with him?
Yeah, OK. Sure thing, fellas. Same with Taylor. And the mask? My God. I didn't think this level of virtue-signaling existed. Incredible. Good for her. Stick to the bit!
Next? Let's not forget about that pesky little CFB title game tonight! Shame on me for going this long without mentioning Ohio State-Notre Dame:
God, I love this country. Amazing. (And right, by the way!)
As for tonight's game, I don't particularly like either program, but the SEC in me is rooting like hell for Notre Dame. Can't have a Big Ten national champion ruin an otherwise great day in America.
Liberation Day, as Trump called it!
Let's liberate like hell and allow Danica Patrick (second slide) to take us into the week.
See you Wednesday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You liberated? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.