Danica Patrick Had A Big Indy 500, Jennifer Aniston Rocks Tennessee Orange & Nick Saban's Golf Cart Joyride
Yep, I was right …
I'm more than happy to be teaching today, even though I'm on vacation. An excuse to sneak away from the chaos for a few hours and NOT get the dirty look from the First Lady as I'm heading out the door? Yes, please!
Now, does she need to know that I'm pounding island beers (allegedly) while … teaching? Nope. Does she need to know that I pre-wrote most of this last week and really only need about 20 minutes today to finish it?
Noooooooooooope.
It's called playing the game, fellas. Look it up. Take notes. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You have to plan ahead for family vacations, and that means scheduling a mid-week "work day," which is really just a viable excuse to leave the house for a few hours and recharge.
And when you're surrounded by five toddlers and enough illness tearing through the house to catch the CDC's attention, you need a viable excuse to jump ship for a few hours. So, let's jump ship.
Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we navigate the waters with Danica Patrick and Jennifer Aniston, and hope to God they get us back to shore.
What else? Well, I've got Nick Saban on the back of a golf cart with Nightcaps OG Kristen Saban, the No. 8 women's golfer in the world, Charley Hull, ripping a dart on the course, and Joey Gallo providing us with quite possibly the greatest twist in the history of time.
I'm serious. I didn't see this one coming. Makes the ending of The Departed seem boring.
Grab a drink – I had a Miller Lite at a dive bar yesterday that doubles as a bait shop that featured a picture of Joe Biden on the back wall with the caption "I just shit myself" across the bottom – and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!
Jennifer Aniston wearing Tennessee Orange
That's a true story, by the way. This place is the best. It has to be one of the reddest establishments in this state. It's tucked away next to a bridge, and looks like an abandoned marina at first glance.
But then you park the boat, make your way up the dock – which is about as sturdy as that bridge from Temple of Doom (hey, what a callback to last week's class!) – and basically find yourself at a secret RNC convention.
Trump's mug all over the wall, $2 beer, $3 puddin shots, Biden pictures above the toilet – the works. The owner was sitting there when we walked in yesterday talking to a random chick named Cherry, who was ripping a dart at the bar and slugging down Coors Lights.
"I've cut way back on drinking," I heard her say from afar.
Yeah, OK, Cherry. Whatever you say.
Anyway, all that to say, I slammed back a couple Millers, had me a scoop of rum-infused raspberry cheesecake puddin, and hit the bricks. They claimed to have the freshest grouper sandwiches on the island, so I assume I'll head back later this week to see just what it's all about.
Can't wait.
Not sure if Jen would like this place, but Lord knows they'd like her:
Nick Saban goes for a joy ride
Jennifer Aniston is ready for football season, baby! Can't wait. Let's check the calendar here real quick …
Eighty-seven days, three hours, thirty-four minutes. True story. Tick-tock. I know summer just started, but when Jennifer Aniston clocks in with a heater like that, you pay attention.
Thanks for the reminder, Jen. And welcome back to class.
While we're talking a little college football, look who continues to look just miserable in retirement:
Joey Gallo is the mystery man we thought Mark Davis was
How much happier is Nick Saban right now? Guy doesn't have to deal with snot-nosed kids asking for more money anymore, doesn't have to spend his time helicoptering to God knows where recruiting said snot-nosed kids, and just gets to golf and hang with Miss Terry and Kristen.
What a life.
Now, before we rapid-fire this Hump Day class into a Hump Day night, we have to dive into this Mark Davis-Hayden Hopkins story.
I got the ball rolling earlier this month when I wrote about Instagram dancer Hayden Hopkins announcing her pregnancy to the world, which was a talker because she was rumored to be hooking up with Raiders owner Mark Davis.
The genes on this kid would've been incredible. Sadly, though, Instagram Hayden came out earlier this week and said the internet whiffed on this one – much like the actual daddy has done throughout his career!
"I was just a guest sitting in the owner's box with other friends. These continued media stories are negatively affecting what should be my happiest days. Joey and I are excited to welcome our baby in the fall xx."
When Hayden posted that little finger-wag yesterday, we didn't know who Joey was. We all just went to bed and assumed this was the end of the story. Fade to black. Roll credits. The drama is over. If Mark Davis didn't knock up a 30-year-old Instagram model, what do we care?
Little did we know Joey is, apparently, Washington Nationals slugger Joey Gallo!
Scheffler audio, Charley Hull ripping darts & Danica Patrick
I haven't seen a crossover event like this since Steve Urkel showed up on Full House. Insane. What a twist. The ONLY thing that would've been better than Mark Davis knocking up Hayden Hopkins would be Joey Gallo knocking up Hayden Hopkins. That's it. The ONLY acceptable replacement.
God, I love this country.
Rapid-fire time on the way out! First up? I can't get enough of this Scottie Scheffler audio:
Incredible. Could you imagine someone telling you, "if someone tells you to stop, no matter who it is, you don’t keep going" with a straight face? I mean, what are we doing here?
If I'm Scottie Scheffler – the No. 1 golfer in the world – and I'm driving through the rain and darkness, surrounded by flashing lights, and someone grabs me through the window, I'd hit the gas so hard heads would spin.
Do these cops know how nuts this world is right now? People are lunatics. Fans are LUNATICS. Who's to say it wasn't some crazed fan trying to grab Scottie to do God knows what to him? No shot I'd stop. Get outta here.
PS: I NEED someone to put "I should've stopped, but I was getting a little impatient because I'm quite late for my tee time" on a shirt STAT. That would be the golf shirt of the summer.
I'd rock the hell out of that polo and I know Charley Hull would, too:
I mean, this Charley Hull is an absolute pistol. Who knew? I'm all in. Ripping darts with the ladies, piping drives, signing autographs for the kiddos – Lady of the People.
Speaking of …
Take us home, Danica Patrick! I know I'm a little late on this one since Amber handled Monday's class – and nailed it, by the way – but I'd be remiss if I didn't check in with Danica post-Indy 500.
That's it for today. Back to the chaos I go. Wish me luck.
See you next week. And hey, tomorrow's a Matt Reigle day, so be nice to him. He's a fellow Florida guy, so he's very much with us.
Now, go have a big Hump Day night.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Is Jennifer Aniston a Vols fan? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.