Crystal Hefner: The 'Odd & Robotic' Sex With Hef Was Terrible

Talk about kicking a dead man when he's down.

In her new book, "Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself," Crystal Hefner reveals her 80-plus-year-old husband, Hugh, liked to have robotic sex and notes that it was a "well-oiled and well-practiced sequence of events ...that went the same exact way every time."

Crystal, who was 21 when she showed up to the Playboy Mansion for a party, and Hefner, who was 82 at the time, were husband and wife until his death at age 91 in 2017. During her recent media tour to promote the book, the widow has spent her time bashing the old man whom she had no problem taking money and a house from -- via a prenup -- when he took his last breath.

Crystal & Hugh Hefner attend the 2013 Playboy Playmate of the Year announcement and reception held at The Playboy Mansion on May 9, 2013 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Tommaso Boddi/WireImage)

Now, perhaps because she needs a few bucks, or because she has nothing better to do than drag a dead man, she's revealing in her book how this routine sex went down.

“Picking some girls from the party and bringing them up. Changing into the uniform for the job: silk pajamas. The dimming of the lights. The music. The porn. Passing the pot. And then the sex,” she writes in the book, according to the New York Post.

“Like Hef was just going through the motions of something that had once been fun and sexy,” Crystal continued. “Or maybe it was never fun and sexy.”

We also learn that Hef, according to Crystal, had a thing for "little blue pills" to help him with his sexual prowess.

It would be front-page news if he wasn't using boner pills, hun.

The former Playmate also notes that the same Madonna song would play during Hef's sex romps and, buckle up for this shocker, Crystal enjoyed group sex with Hef's other girlfriends over going one-on-one with the magazine mogul.

Crystal Hefner is seen outside CBS Studio on January 23, 2024 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images )

But when it was time for Hef's alone time with his wife, Crystal claims Hef would act bored. "(T)here was nothing sexy about it," she writes in the book.

Ladies, let this be a lesson before you go into a sexual business relationship with that millionaire who buys you purses and pays for your BMW lease.

There's a price to pay. Crystal told the media the same thing last week. You have to look in the mirror and decide how badly you want to get behind the wheel of that 500-horsepower BMW. You need to ask yourself how badly you want the jewelry, the purses, the parties, the fame, the Instagram likes.

Is it worth boning with a codger who is all horned up on little blue pills?

At the end of the day, Crystal chose her business career path -- boning with that old man -- and now she's dancing on her husband's grave in the name of selling a few books to make a few dollars which will run out and she'll need to write another book and dance on Hugh's grave once more before generations come along that don't care about Hugh or Crystal.

Eventually, Crystal's team will sell her story to Netflix. She'll cry about having to hop into bed with Hef and she'll make a few more dollars.

“What sticks with me the most about Hef is just how kind he was,” Crystal said in a 2021 interview.

I'll say it again: Your sob story isn't working on us, Crystal. Good try.