Crystal Hefner Finds A New Lover After Bashing Hugh, Horny Seniors Have The CDC On Alert & Lane Kiffin's GF
Look, I'm gonna level with you – I ain't in a great mood today. Which is a bummer, because that's now TWO Fridays in a row where I've been pissed off.
Last week, it was because Tua was nearly turned into a vegetable – again. Today? Well, I don't know, you tell me!
Brutal. Just a brutal way to wake up and start the day.
You don't sleep all night – both kids were up and at ‘em last night! – and you just wanna start your day with some peace. I purposely sneak out of bed early just to have the living room to myself for five minutes. The coffee is brewing. There’s a breeze in the air today – fall is 48 hours away! – so I decide to open the curtains to the backyard, and take in the view.
And then … that. Unreal. Sometime in the middle of the night, that giant ass tree limb – that thing ain't a branch, folks – plummeted 50 feet to the ground, and obliterated my fence.
Couple things …
1. This thing is massive. The picture doesn't do it justice. I can't get it to budge. If my kid was under it … it would've been a problem. That's my biggest concern right now. Our yard is littered with trees. Now, it's off limits until I can get a tree company out there to do a thorough once-over of every single limb back there.
2. In the short-term, I now share a backyard with the old neighbors behind us who run their sprinklers three times a day … in Florida … in the summer. Insane.
3. They're very clearly out of town right now. I have no idea how to get in touch with them. This is gonna be on me, and me alone.
4. No shot my Homeowners insurance is gonna even sniff this, so it's all out of pocket. Between the fence and the tree trimming, I'm gonna go out on a limb (yep, intended) and guess this is gonna run me well over $1,000. At least. We'll see.
5. Combine that with my $3,000 teeth from last week, and the hospital bills I'm quite sure are coming my way, and I've realized something today:
Life is just spending money you don't have, over and over again, until you die. That's it. That's life. Just when you think you're gonna stop spending the money you don't have, something else inevitably comes up.
It took me 31 years to come to this realization, but here I am. I'm here now, and it's miserable. What a way to start a Friday.
On that note, welcome to the final Nightcaps of the week – the one where we pick up the pieces with Crystal Hefner and try like hell to get this weekend back on track.
What else? I've got the best of the rest from a big week that was going great until my tree collapsed, an STI epidemic coursing through America thanks to old horny people, and Lane Kiffin's girlfriend, Sally Rychlak, stops by.
Been a while, Sally! Welcome back.
Grab you a slice of pepperoni pizza for National Pepperoni Pizza Day and settle in for a final-Friday-of-summer 'Cap!
Crystal Hefner picks her new lover & pizza rankings!
What a week for food around here, huh? I'd argue that us blue-collar folk love burgers and pizza above most other things, and we've celebrated BOTH this week.
Pepperoni pizza is a staple, of course, but it ain't the best. Duh. It's up there, but not up there.
Mount Rushmore time!
1. Sausage and banana pepper pizza (that's right, banana pepper)
2. Pepperoni (but only the tiny little pepperonis that collect grease puddles)
3. Stuffed crust (but only the kind we were all served at 10:30 a.m. in elementary school)
4. Buffalo chicken (yep, I said it)
Also – ranch and/or hot sauce is acceptable on all slices. Not a must, but certainly accepted if you do it.
PS: I was serious about No.3:
God, those were the best times. Walking into a cold cafeteria at 10:30 a.m. with your best buds, picking out which horribly unhealthy food you were gonna stuff your face with today – then head on over to the snack bar and get one of those giant cookies that were fresh out of the oven to top it all off. The best.
We used to be such an amazing country. Back when men were men and Hugh Hefner was still alive!
Speaking of ..
Big shoes to fill & the Saban kid returns!
Well, Crystal Hefner has chosen Marine Biologist James Ward to replace the Hef. There you have it. For those who forgot, Crystal made waves earlier this year when she was – of course – promoting her new book.
Shockingly, she trashed Hugh because his 80-year-old penis couldn't keep up with the times:
"I realized I was dealing with a really big power imbalance," Crystal said. "It seemed like a world of success and fantasy, but everyone's having to sleep with an 80-year-old. There's a price. Everything has a price."
As Joe Kinsey so eloquently put at the time … "you're damn right it does and Hugh was paying up for blondes to slip into whatever made them beautiful and do whatever hot blondes do to an old man who had seen more poon than a PornHub algorithm bot."
Joe didn't appreciate Crystal taking shots at her dead husband then, and now it's all come full circle as she's poised to replace him with marine biologist James.
Sounds like expectations are pretty low coming in, which, frankly, is a great spot to be in for a "rebound man." Good luck James. You're following HUGH HEFNER.
Bring your A-game.
Speaking of big shoes to fill … let's get to the best of the rest from a big week, and lead it off with a HUMMMMMDINGER:
Horny grandparents, Gia Duddy & the insufferable Hollywood elites
Hey! Look who's joining class for the first time in MONTHS … Sally Rychlak, Lane Kiffin's smokeshow girlfriend from SMU. Love this couple. Love Lane. As a Gators fan, I can't believe we chose Billy Napier OVER Lane Kiffin.
Insanity. I hope the Rebs win it all this year. I really do.
OK, rapid-fire time on this miserable Friday. First up? Let's check in with our great senior citizens!
Sex-crazed senior citizens are driving a major spike in the rise of STIs across the country, salacious new statistics revealed — with one surprising state leading the horny charge.
In 2022 — the year with the most recent data — more than 2.5 million cases of syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia were reported in the United States, the CDC stated.
In the last decade, the number of syphilis cases in this age group increased seven-fold, gonorrhea cases increased nearly five-fold and chlamydia cases more than tripled.
Sex-crazed seniors in South Dakota are leading the risk-prone pack — with the highest rate of syphilis cases with 6.1 per 100,000 people, Daily Mail reported.
Washington, DC, led the way in gonorrhea diagnoses, with roughly 29 cases per 100,000 people. Alaska recorded the highest rate of chlamydia in seniors at nearly 18 cases per 100k.
Head on a swivel, Hookstead! Everyone in DC has gonorrhea! Typical blue state nonsense, I reckon.
Also, reminds me of a classic Parks and Rec episode:
Parks and Rec from seasons 3-6 may be some of the most underrated seasons of TV in the history of time. Honestly, some would argue that show is funnier than The Office.
Some would. Not me, of course.
Next? I wrote about it this morning, so check it out here when you're in the bar later waiting for a disgusting bathroom stall to open up.
In the meantime … let's check in with the Kamala Harris/Oprah Winfrey pep rally from last night with some of the most insufferable humans on this planet:
You won't find a bigger load of shit on the internet today. You know what they say – if you want to win over Middle America, have Hollywood elites tell you about jetting overseas in their private planes and talking to people about how bad America is.
Works every time!
Insufferable. You truly can't hate them enough.
Whew. OK. That's all for today. I'm tired. And poor. And have a tree limb to chop up.
Take us home, Gia Duddy. Hope all is well!
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You believe Julia Roberts' BS? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.