Cracker Barrel's Hot New Country Girl Breaks Down, CNN Made Trump Orange & I'd Like To Tariff Dumb Libs
Happy Tariff Freakout Day to everyone! Stocks are plummeting. We're all working till we're 90. Grammy and Grampy are heading back to the workforce as we speak. That Toyota Corolla you were just looking at last weekend now costs $300,000. It's mayhem!
Amazing. This one goes straight to the top in terms of lefty meltdowns. It's been an all-time day, and it ain't even time for second lunch yet! How will the 40-year-old Lib who can't touch their 401K for another 25 years survive now?! Are we all ready for the Greatest Depression? Hope so! Because she's almost here!
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelax. Just remember, the same people who are now experts on tariffs didn't know what a tariff was four months ago. They're the same people who suddenly became doctors during COVID. They have no clue how Wall Street works, and now they're ringing the bell!
Can we let it all play out for five minutes, please? The economy sucked yesterday. It still sucks today. Difference is, we're at least trying to fix it now. And, at the very least, take some comfort in knowing that useless Mike Pence disagrees with it.
That's how you KNOW Trump's doing something right!
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Yeah, I'll go with Trump/Vance over … Mike Pence. So will you. Let's have a big day.
Welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we check in with Cracker Barrel's hot new country girl, Emily Ann Roberts, and go from there.
What else? I've got a big turnout at yesterday's Twins-White Sox game, CNN allegedly making Trump ORANGE, The Masters and CBS teaming up to collectively bring down the nation's IQ and Bill Burr has suddenly mastered the art of flip-flopping.
Seriously. What's the deal with this dude? Pick a side, dummy!
OK, grab you an American drink for heaven's sake, and settle in for a Thursday 'Cap!
I'm just here for the tariff memes
Or, you know, grab you one these fancy new PBR Lights! What a breakdown here from former Nightcaps teacher – and current Newsletter author! – Anthony Farris.
I haven't had a PBR in years. Maybe a decade. Back in college, it was PBR, Rolling Rock and Natty Lights. Obviously, now that I'm a wealthy 32-year-old with two kids, I've upgraded to Busch Light. Naturally.
That being said, Anthony tells me that these new creations are made with something called El Dorado Hops. No idea what that is, but I'm all in. Sort of like tariffs!
Speaking of … as I mentioned, folks are just freaking out about these bad boys. Every other country slaps ridiculous tariffs on us, but God forbid we do it back. The Pussification of America in a nutshell.
Anyway, I don't want to harp on it much more today. I do, however, enjoy a new internet meme when we get one.
And I think this one may be my favorite one yet:
CBS bends the knee to Augusta, and both are annoying
Come on. That's funny! It's also so true.
Oh no! How will I now afford my used car with already ridiculous interest rates?!
As if we were so well off 24 hours ago. Hilarious. Hey, lefties. Here's a news flash: if the economy your clueless former president "created" was so great, Kamala Harris would've won in a landslide. Voters always care about the economy before anything else.
It's the economy, stupid!
But she lost by a billion. Because that so-called "great" economy was artificially propped up after years and years of printing money.
It looked pretty on paper, but the middle class felt none of it. Zero. Nada. The US economy has been bullshit for years now, and all we've done is kick the can down the road. Either because A) the president didn't want to tank his 'legacy' (Obama), or B) the president was too stupid to figure it out (Biden). Take your pick.
Sack up.
Now, let's get to the #sports! While I'm annoyed, let's go ahead and check in with the snobs over at CBS and Augusta National:
CNN, Billy Burr & what a crowd!
God, this is so stupid. I love rich, white conservatives as much as anyone, but the fellas at Augusta National just piss me off sometimes.
"We’re covering the tournament the way it is presented to us and the way the club would like to present it. So [before-and-after images are] not in the cards," CBS’s lead golf producer Sellers Shy stated.
More than anything, this is likely an optics-based decision for CBS and Augusta National. Helene devastated the region, causing immense amounts of property damage and nearly 250 reported fatalities. Discussing how the hurricane took down a few trees on a golf course seems a bit distasteful in that context.
My God. You know who I'd like to tariff? The dummy who wrote that last sentence.
Oh, it's distasteful to show damage from a hurricane in a place that prides itself on the magnolias and azaleas it shoves down our throats every April? Really? Is it?
That would be like not showing the City of New Orleans during the first Saints game back in town. Or not showing downtown New York City after 9/11 when the Yankees and Mets returned to action.
It happened. These are things that happened – right in your backyard. There was damage on the course. Show the damn damage and move the hell on.
God, we're dumb.
Rapid-fire time before I start tariffing my kids for not cleaning this mess of a living room. First up? Let's check in with the folks over at CNN!
Par for the course for those Libs. No SHOT they know what a tariff is. I bet they can't even spell it.
PS: no clue if this was intentional or not, but, let's be honest, they've done farrrrrrrrrrr worse. This is kid's play compared to some of the nonsense that's come out of the network over the years.
Next? From one dumb Lib to the next!
I wrote about Bill Burr a few weeks back, and I'm more convinced than ever that he's just so full of shit at this point.
What has happened to this dude? I don't get it. The above clip is old-school Bill Burr. It's what he used to be. I loved that guy.
But it sort of loses some luster after Bill's spent the past months weirdly attacking Elon Musk and Trump – both on The View and The Breakfast Club. So, he was qualified to dump on them to those insufferable shows, but now he's all of a sudden silent? Huh? I don't get it!
This guy is the biggest flip-flopper I've ever seen! He's the perfect Dem! Can't wait to get his thoughts on tariffs. Should be a doozy.
Finally … let's wind down and head out to a ball game today to decompress!
Take us home, Emily Ann!
Now, a couple caveats here.
No. 1: there WAS a rain delay yesterday. Fair is fair, and that needs to be said, because that above video is going viral right now, and it ain't because of all the Byron Buxton fans out there.
That being said, it's a wild thing to see. There's just … nobody there. It's jarring to see. And it sucks, because Chicago is a baseball town.
I do feel for White Sox fans. I grew up in the Frank Thomas/Paul Konerko/Mark Buehrle era, and buddy, it was an insane little ride.
Sad. As if life, though.
OK, let's end our day with Cracker Barrel's hot new country singer, Emily Ann Roberts. She's down, but certainly not out.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
How many tariffs have you been handed today? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.