Cory Booker Yammers, Flag Football Investments And A Poop Vigilante Saves The Day

Another week in the books, with a veritable deluge of information to sift through like a grizzled 1850s prospector, so how about I lend a hand?

Hi. I’m Matt Reigle, and this is The Punch-Up!

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If you’re new around here, I’ll set the stage for you: I’m going to get you caught up on some of the biggest news stories of the week, but to do it, we’re writing jokes.

Sound good to you?

Cool me, too.

We’ve got Sen. Cory Booker yammering on about nonsense for hours and hours, another Senator crapped on Americans’ geography ability, and a poop vigilante is doing the Lord’s work.

So, let’s get moving…

The NFL is considering whether or not to ban the Philadelphia Eagles’ signature "Tush Push." If it is banned, expect a new Eagles secret weapon next season: The Ass Pass.

Internet personality and boxer Jake Paul has proposed to his girlfriend with a $1 million ring. I thought you were supposed to pay more for the engagement ring than you were able to scrounge out of your center console.

Sen. Cory Booker set a Senate record for speaking for more than 25 hours. You’ve got to love a filibuster. It's like watching a politician go to "Crazy Street Corner Junkie Fantasy Camp."

PETA is once again asking the White House to use potatoes instead of eggs for the annual Easter Egg Roll. It’s a ridiculous suggestion; everyone knows rabbits don’t lay potatoes.

Sen. Chris Coons claimed that "your average Middle American" can’t find Greenland on a map, as the Trump Administration pushes to strengthen its relationship with the Arctic nation. Middle Americans responded by saying, "At least we can find the appropriate bathrooms for dudes dressed like women."

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Got that?

Good, we'll meet back here next week; same time, same place.