Congresswoman's Trump Bikini Rocks The Sunshine State, Mallory Edens Respects Summer & The Outrage Mob Is BACK
Yep, still here. I did get to play 18 yesterday, though, so I reckon there's that. Silver linings.
We are a few hours away from the First Lady's official due date, and you could cut the tension with a knife. She stubbed her toe this morning on our bed, and you would've thought the world was literally ending by the way she reacted. It's been eight hours, and she's still visibly annoyed about it. Eight hours!
How irritated is she? She claims that if this kid doesn't come tomorrow, we're decorating for fall on Friday. True story. She's going to make me climb into the attic while Florida is currently under a heat warning, and get the 1400 fall bins down just so she can line our living rooms with pumpkins on Aug. 16 to distract herself from being one day late.
I'm a fall guy, as you know. Joe and I went to war last year because I declared that fall officially started after Labor Day weekend. He's a Respect the Summer guy, so he obviously had some qualms about that.
But even I think Aug. 16 is a little early. It's a little much for me. A little cutesy. But you're NUTS if you think I'm fighting it. Insane. She could tell me we're going to buy a Christmas tree on Friday and I'd find a way to make it happen. Survive and advance, fellas. That's the name of the game. Trick-or-Treat!
On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we respect what little summer we have left with Bucks Heiress Mallory Edens. Been a while, Mal! Welcome back.
What else? I've got a Florida congresswoman dominating the internet today in her Trump swim trunks, a photo gallery of Gen-Z Kamala Harris voters that is maybe the least shocking thing I've ever seen in my life, Kristen Cavallari is gonna stop by and – AND!!! – the virtue-signalers have gone off the deep end thanks to Jarren Duran.
Seriously, this country has become so unbelievably soft. It's truly stunning. I cannot believe this is the time period I got stuck in. All time bad beat.
OK, it's getting late and I have to go perform emergency surgery on the First Lady's bruised toe. Let's get after it.
Mallory Edens respects summer, even though it's almost over
I guess I've never really asked this to you folks specifically, so I will now … when does fall start for YOU? You know where I stand. Lord knows we all know where Screencaps stands, because they won't shut up about it.
But I wanna know where Nightcaps readers stand. I've always said, fall starts for me the second I wake up on the first Saturday of college football season. I will also accept Labor Day Monday night, after all the grilling and partying in the afternoon.
That feels like a natural close to summer for me. Summer starts with Memorial Day weekend, and it ends on Labor Day. Every season needs a natural beginning and a natural end.
Summer: Memorial Day-Labor Day
Fall: Tuesday after Labor Day-Thanksgiving dinner
Winter: Black Friday-March Madness
Spring: MLB Opening Day-Friday before Memorial Day
That, to me, seems perfect. It's a Mona Lisa. The perfect seasonal calendar. You are welcome!
Now, to be fair, I live in Florida. We don't generally have seasons down here. If you walk outside and your glasses immediately fog up, it's summer. If you walk outside and you're still hot as hell BUT your glasses don't fog up, it's probably any time between October and December.
If you walk outside and don't feel like you're being suffocated to death, it's any time between January and April.
That's it. Those are our seasons. So, again, I'll ask – only because I may be decorating for fall in 48 hours – where do you all stand on the seasonal calendar?
Let's check in with Mallory Edens while we wait!
Speaking of the calendar …
You know, Mallory Edens doesn't post often, but when she does, they're BANGERS. That's how you keep the internet on our toes while you wait to take over the Milwaukee Bucks. She's playing the game perfectly, and I respect the hell out of it.
Welcome back to class, Mal! Keep summer alive!
Now, while we're talking timing … this tweet is going viral today for reasons I still haven't figured out. I have no idea how or why anything goes viral anymore, and, frankly, I don't care. Whatever. I don't have the energy to figure it out.
Bottom line? It is, and it has the internet – and David Hookstead! – all fired up:
Honestly, it's a tough little balancing act. On one hand, women love the fall, and they love to get married. Brutal combination for football fans. Good luck telling them they can't have their dream fall wedding in October because there's an absolutely loaded college football slate that day.
I have a fantasy football draft the first Saturday of September. Live, in person, at Applebee's. It's rowdy. We've done it every year since I can remember. My favorite day of the year.
I've made the joke a few times now that I'm still hoping to go in a few weeks even though I'll have a newborn at the house (assuming he's come by then). The First Lady hasn't found it funny once, which is unfortunate because it's really not a joke. I'm just testing the waters to gauge where she's at, and the early returns haven't been great.
Anyway, all that to say … good luck telling a woman when and where she's getting married. That's a battle we will always lose.
But, on the other hand …
Anna Paulina Luna is #mycongresswoman, reader mail & the wokes
My God. It's perfect. What a slate! Yeah, I take it all back. I wouldn't even attend my own wedding on Oct. 12. No shot. Good luck, ladies!
OK, rapid-fire time on this Hump Day in August. First up? This Anna Paulina Luna – a Florida congresswoman – is going just insanely viral today because of this Trump video, and I've gotta say … I'm all in!
I don't know what's more perfect – that Oct. 12 college football slate or Anna Paulina Luna's Baywatchian Trump bathing suit? What a toss up!
God, I love this state. I will never, ever leave. If I do leave, however, I'll go to South Carolina! That's where congresswoman Nancy Mace is, and she, like Anna, is also a PISTOL. Don't believe me? First off, click here.
Second off …
We're #TeamAnna and #TeamNancy around here, and don't you forget it! They're fighting for us, folks. Let's fight for them come November.
Next? You know who ain't #TeamAnna? These folks:
Incredible. Like Anna's bathing suit, that tweet is also going viral today for obvious reasons. Hilarious. I can't believe that's a real, serious post. We are so COOOOOOKED in this country.
Finally, a quick check of the mail on the way out! And hey, we have two first-time students who are enrolled for the fall.
From South Carolina Clark:
Just wanted to send a quick note of gratitude. I happened upon your page trying to find out about this scandalous swimmer chick. And I just wanted to say your writing is SO REFRESHING and raw and hilarious because we can all relate.
"Going down to the homeless shelter for a meal. Kamala will fix it — don’t worry" DIED!
Thank you for NOT being PC and bought and paid for by the wokies and calling it for what it is, a crock. I’m so happy to see that others see it as well and aren’t afraid to write about it in a fun jokey passive fashion. Just such a breath of fresh air.
And from Travis:
Love the articles, man; absolutely hilarious and insightful writing. Eye candy certainly doesn’t hurt but it's about the content and the content is stellar.
Kristin Cavallari takes us home
Thanks, fellas. Appreciate it. And no, I'm not just sharing those particular emails because they're saying nice things about me! OK, maybe a little, but they also lead me into today's final nugget before we set sail with Kristin.
The Jarren Duran outrage is beyond ridiculous and fake. There's virtue-signaling, and then there's this Duran nonsense.
I'm not gonna share it here because he doesn't deserve the clicks, but OutKick fan-favorite Mike Freeman actually penned an op-ed over at USA Today saying Jarren Duran's vile language could seriously hurt the LGBTQ youth. Seriously. He believes that.
He said the damage Jarren's done is "incalculable." Incalculable!!!
We are so beyond soft as a country. We're so weak, and so fake. It's insanity. Jarren Duran got suspended for two games thanks to a hot mic, which was two more games than literally any player on the 2017 Astros got.
What are we doing here? Again, I can't believe I got stuck in this time period. Unbelievably bad draw.
OK, I have a pinkie toe to go amputate. Take us home, Kristin.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Does Jarren Duran deserve the death penalty? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.