CNN Thinks They Know Who Killed UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson, And You'll Never Guess It

First off, what's going on in New York – or wherever this fella is now – right now with the UnitedHealthcare assassination stuff is disgusting. 

A man was murdered in the streets like we're some third-world country. I don't care how much you hate the healthcare system, that's unacceptable on just about every single level. 

Brian Thompson is dead, and his killer is still, somehow, just … roaming the streets. Wild. It's gross. 

Now that we've gotten all of that out of the way, let's allow ourselves a moment to make fun of CNN. Might as well, right? What else are you doing on a Saturday morning?

I've heard a ton of conspiracy theories this week about what exactly happened in Manahatten. Everyone from Nancy Pelosi, to Hillary Clinton, to Aaron Judge is a suspect on the internet. Social media was built for weeks like this, frankly. And buddy, the tin-foil hats are THRIVING right now. 

Anyway, I've got a new leader in the clubhouse for wackiest theory, and it came courtesy of the folks over at CNN last night.

Rolllll tape!

I guess it's possible …

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nellie! What a plot twist THAT would be. Brian Thompson, who was worth north of $10 million, paid someone to murder him in the streets of New York City so his family could A) be left in a "good light," or B) get the life insurance money.

Again, he was worth $10 million. Just reiterating that here. 

That would certainly be … something. Thanks for sharing, CNN! We'll look into it. 

Look, I guess you can't totally dismiss it. It's 2024. This has been easily the craziest calendar year in the history of time. We've had a former president nearly assassinated, a sitting president ousted by his own party, Bill Belichick is dating a 23-year-old ex-cheerleader while interviewing for the UNC job. 

Anything goes in 2024, clearly. 

So, I guess we'll entertain this theory from former Maryland State Police Commander, Neill Franklin. He's got more street cred than I do, so who am I to judge? 

Now, is it nutty? Sure. Does it sound like an episode of Grey's Anatomy? Absolutely. Frankly, it's a little tame for Grey's Anatomy. Does it make it that much better that this happened on CNN? For sure. What a run for them!

But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Doesn't seem likely, but I reckon we'll find out soon enough. 

Or not, because nobody can seem to find this guy. 

Stay tuned.