Britney Spears Is On A Bender, Maggie Sajak Fills In On Wheel Of Fortune, Cleveland Browns Are Getting A New Logo, And Sylvester Stallone Scares Away Dates
Happy National Shrimp Day to those who celebrate!
Before we get into the hard stuff, I'd love to offer you an energy drink to pair with your shrimp cocktail so you can push through that last hour or two of (pretending to) work. But, sadly, Britney Spears drank 'em all. So I guess we'll keep it straight vodka, no Red Bull from here on out.
But fear not, we'll get our Nightcaps game show fix with some Wheel of Fortune news in just a minute. And we'll also get to President Biden once again struggling to form a sentence. But first, let's talk about someone that's a little more Hunter Biden's style, Ms. Britney.
If you left your post as head of the Britney Army, you likely missed the news that she's sucking down caffeine with the same ferocity Joey Chestnut does 4th of July weiners.
Per TMZ, "Britney guzzles Red Bull, Celsius, coffee, and dandelion tea almost nonstop. We're told she consumes so much caffeine, she'll sometimes stay awake for 3 consecutive days."
And wait just a damn minute. Does this look like the type of picture someone over-caffeinated would send out to their more than 42 million Instagram followers?
Or this?
There's this one, too...
Dr. Drew tells TMZ that people such as Spears like that "highish state and that inflated feeling, top of the world kind of feeling of who you are and where you," when consuming boatloads of caffeine.
Groundbreaking stuff there, Doc.
Let's look at the positives here. Afterall, it is National Shrimp Day (you didn't forget, did you?). Even though Spears is pumped full of caffeine, at least her Coke habit is of the soda variety.
Ever the professional, and more so because the girl working the front desk who sold it to me was damn near a 9.5 or 10, I powered through the remaining 3/4ths of the can. I'm still not sure how I didn't die. But, consider it lesson learned. I'll leave the exorbitant amounts of caffeine and the flower-covered nipple photos to Brit.
Maggie Sajak Steps In On Wheel Of Fortune
Now that we've had our caffeine fix, let's come back down and buy a vowel with Maggie Sajak. Ms. Maggie's the daughter of host Pat Sajack, and she's filling in for WOF mainstay Vanna White on tonight's show. White's unavailable because she's a contestant on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune: Ultimate Host Night this evening. Fancy, right?
I have no idea the qualifications to be a letter turner, but Maggie seems like she'll do just fine.
Maggie Sajak's no stranger to Wheel of Fortune. She spent a week filling in for White in 2019, and she holds the title of Social Correspondent for the game show. She's a Princeton and Columbia grad and is in law school.
Show off.
Good thing she's got this Wheel of Fortune gig, because I don't know what type of career she'd be able to land with just a couple of pieces of paper from some Ivy League schools to her name.
Cleveland Browns Will Have New Dog Logo, For Some Reason
Now that I've given you something nice to look at, it's time to direct your eyes to something not so aesthetically pleasing - the Cleveland Browns. Listen, I'm a lifelong Browns fan, so I'm used to ugly. But the Browns' ugly is usually related to their on-field performance, scouting, coaching and/or drafting. Soon, you can add a (secondary) logo to the mix.
Earlier this week the team opened up fan voting for a new secondary Browns dog logo. And...they all (mostly) suck.
See for yourselves.
Why the need for a secondary dog logo in the first place? Did you even know the team had A logo, let alone a secondary one?
And cartoons? Hell no. You think the Super Bowl winning Chiefs are rockin' cartoons? Patrick Mahomes would never. Jackson Mahomes, on the other hand...
Now I'm not here to knock the dog depictions themselves. I don't need PETA or the Photoshop Alliance coming after me. The final five dogs were all fan created and submitted to the team. In their own right, they're all very well done. But nothing about a cartoon dog does it for me. If I had to choose, I'd go with either the first or last dog. Then again, if I'm the Browns, I'd be more focused on the team being dog crap year-after-year than I am a secondary dog logo. But who am I? I've only guided this sorry squad to multiple Madden championships, so...
And no matter which logo they decide on, at least it won't be as bad as what their Cleveland neighbors are sporting:
This Cleveland Guardians logo is disgusting. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images).
Sly Stallone Scares Off Daughter's Dates
Speaking of dogs, Sylvester Stallone apparently still has that dog in him, even at 76. Stallone has three daughters: Sophia, 26, Sistine, 24, and Scarlet, 20. The girls, along with Stallone's wife, Jennifer Flavin, and Rocky himself, made a morning appearance on TODAY.
While sitting down with Hoda Kotb, the Stallone girls shared that they're all single, likely because of their dad's doing, whether intentional or not.
*It's very much intentional.
"He’s quite intimidating to most, and most of the time when they come over to meet the parents, they don’t necessarily return, simply because he’s just so scary," Sophia told TODAY.
In response to Sophia's claim that her and her sisters don't often have second dates because of Sly's intimidation, Rambo responded: "I don’t trust their intentions. Because I know men."
Hey, they drew First Blood!
Sorry, couldn't resist.
President Joe Biden Still Learning To Speak
President Joe Biden is only four years older than Stallone. You wouldn't know it by looking at them, or listening to them - who'd have thought Stallone would speak more clearly than anyone, let alone the President of the United States?
But alas, he does. Hell, Stallone sounds like Tony Robbins compared to Biden when public speaking is the commonality.
Case in point...
Anyone who's painfully been following along over the last three years knows this isn't a one off for POTUS, he's made a habit out of fumbling over sentences.
There is one similarity between Biden and Stallone - their kids' dates are unlikely to return for a second. Unless we're talking about online dating via laptops. Right, Hunter?
Will Compton's Impressive LinkedIn Page
You know where you can't get a date (or at least you're not supposed to) and Biden-like speech patterns are frowned upon? If you answered LinkedIn, you win a side of cocktail sauce to pair with your National Shrimp Day feast.
Semi-retired NFL linebacker and full-time podcaster, Will Compton (he's for the boys!) unearthed a LinkedIn profile for the ages this week. Compton, known to some as "Playoff Willy," burrowed a page from new Packers QB Sean Clifford's book and updated his profile, albeit, with much more detail.
With descriptions like that, we can no doubt find a spot for Compton within the think tank of Nightcaps. I'm not about to give up my role as Wednesday Nightcaps' designated hitter, but I'd be more than happy to toss the keys his way and let him take this column for a spin from time-to-time. I mean, let's be honest, about the only thing you might be able to say Nightcaps is missing, is a mercenary.
Could Will Compton be a Nightcaps mercenary? (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images).
J.J. Watt The Green Bay Packer?
Since we're now on the subject of retired white NFL players, let's talk J.J. Watt. This morning, Watt teased that he wanted to sign with the Packers in 2021 (he's from Wisconsin) before he signed with Arizona. Watt didn't go into great detail, but seemed to insinuate that Green Bay wasn't interested in his services. He told host Adam Schein from Mad Dog Sports Radio: "Sometimes things just don't materialize. Sometimes things just don't happen the way that fairy tales are supposed to happen."
It's a shame really. Had he played for the Pack, maybe we'd remember his Hall of Fame career for something other than his time rapping with the Texans and being an anti-mercenary on HBO's Hard Knocks.
Did Someone Say Todd Packer?
Bo Knows Porcupines
Plenty of people around Scranton have referred to Todd Packer as an ass, but at least he's not smelling the ass of a porcupine like Bo Jackson.
If you share a combined love of beasiality and fetish play, Bo just might be your guy. As OutKick reported earlier, Jackson's been dealing with hiccups for nearly a year. In an attempt to try and cure his hiccups, Jackson's resorted to some unusual methods. He detailed some to “McElroy and Cubelic,” this morning, telling the radio hosts: “I have done everything — scare me, drink water upside down, smell the ass of a porcupine, it doesn’t work."
Noted.
Until Next Wednesday...
There's plenty of shrimp still be consumed, so we'll end this Pultizer of a column here. But I'm not leaving you empty handed. Nope. Not on National Shrimp Day. I've got more couth than that. So snack on this buffett of social media's finest and we'll do it again next week.
*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.
** Want to share your favorite National Shrimp Day memory? Feel free to get in touch: anthony.farris@outkick.com or via Twitter (below).
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF