Britney Spears Gets Naked In The Water, Troy Aikman Slugs Beers With George Bush & The MLB Schedule Stinks
Can you smell it? Over-sized hot dogs, overpriced beer, urine puddling out of the men's room exit because we somehow can't hit a giant trough?
That's right – baseball is back, boys and girls. Even though the idiots who make the schedule decided to put games in the northeast today, only to be predictably canceled, baseball is BACK.
And it's beautiful. Nothing like Opening Day. Does it hold a candle to the opening Sunday of the NFL season? Of course not. Nothing does.
But there is something about MLB Opening Day that gives me the feels. If you're a great American, it should give you the feels, too.
It means spring is here. And that means we're one step closer to summer. It also means we're that much further from winter, which is just an awful time of year.
So, congrats everyone – we've made it. Soak it in. Throw in some ridiculous parlays. Slug beers at 2 p.m. on a Thursday with no regret. You've earned it.
On that note, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – where we help everyone pass the time during our first 7th inning stretch of the season.
Britney Spears makes her triumphant return to class today after deleting her Instagram last week. Turns out, she was just logging off for a few weeks while she got naked in a lake and fired up the Hooked-On-Phonics. You'll see.
We're also going to check in with Troy Aikman, because he's been living it up this offseason, and then issue a dire warning to MLB translators across the league.
Sound like a plan? Good!
Grab a $15 beer from the concession, step up to the digital plate, and settle in for an Opening Day class!
It's Opening Day, so let's start by bashing the idiots who make the schedule
… and let's also start with the idiots who make the MLB schedule. Frankly, I don't even know if this is human-error or AI, but whatever it is, it's complete crap.
Look, I don't know the machinations behind making the schedule. I don't know the rules, the obligations, the deals in place – none of it. I assume it's only made with some sort of computer algorithm now.
But I don't care. I need someone to explain to me why in the hell the Brewers-Mets series this weekend is being played in New York and not Milwaukee, when there's a DOME in Milwaukee?
I need someone to explain why the Braves are opening in Philly instead of the Phillies opening in Atlanta?
I need to know why the Orioles are opening at home against the Angels, instead of them traveling to LOS ANGELES in March?
All three of those games are either already postponed to tomorrow because of rain, or on the brink of it (Orioles). You wanna know the weather in Atlanta today? 60 and sunny. How about Anaheim?
60 and cloudy.
The AC's on in Milwaukee!
But instead, you chose to have those three series open up in the Northeast … in March. Make it make sense!
MLB translators are about to go extinct
Bring the Stephensons back, STAT! You think they'd let this nonsense happen? No shot.
Like Michael Scott once said as he was driving his car into a lake – machines will never replicate the personal touch of a gift basket, or, in this case, the making of a 162-game schedule. Never.
It's why Dunder Mifflin thrived under Michael's leadership, and sank like a rock when Ryan became CEO. Simple.
Make humans great again!
OK, enough bashing for today. It's Opening Day. I'm not here to call out Major League Baseball. This is their big day, and I don't wanna spoil it.
So, here's an actual heartwarming moment that deserves a round of applause:
Wait. No. Sorry, that's my fault. I copied the wrong tweet! I meant to share this one:
What an offseason so far for Troy Aikman
I mean, come on – that's pretty cool. Maybe I'm biased because I covered Elly down here in Daytona when he was briefly terrorizing Single-A pitchers with the Daytona Tortugas, but I still thought it was a cool moment.
As for the other side of the equation – not a great few weeks for interpreters. They're getting canned left and right. Hell, I think Shohei's has fled the country, right? Where the hell is that guy?
And does he think my $100 bet on the Tigers-White Sox first inning UNDER 0.5 runs today is smart?
Now, let's leave the diamond for the gridiron, where Troy Aikman continues to crush the offseason. He got things going in January with a little vacation with Haley Clark, and now he's back in the shop working on his body – and his brew – for the upcoming season.
Mix in a little downtime with George W. Bush, and you've got yourself one hell of an offseason!
Orioles owners with the commonfolk, Poptarts trailer and it's Britney!
How good does George W. Bush look, by the way? Guy will be 78 in July and is still in elite shape. Little baggy on the slacks, but he gets a pass.
OK, rapid-fire time before we go and mop up these Opening Day betting lines.
First up? How about the new ownership in Baltimore? Makes me hate the Red Sox owners even more, which is hard to do:
Love the Birds this year. Love Pickles. Baltimore deserves a champ. Let's roll.
Next? The new Pop-tart origin movie, directed inexplicably by Jerry Seinfeld, is on the way to Netflix and we finally (?) have a trailer:
First thing's first – unreal cast. I mean, my God. I despise Amy Schumer, so that's a negative, but the rest of the folks are good with me.
Schmidt from New Girl? Electric. Melissa McCarthy is still around? Sounds good to me! Jim Gaffigan playing a prominent role in something in 2024? Sure, why not? Bill Burr making a couple cameos to hopefully offend someone? Sign me up.
I think I'm in on this? It could be really dumb, though. Not sure what kind of vibes the trailer gives off. Seems a little all over the place, but I generally trust Jerry Seinfeld, so I think it'll work.
PS: when was the last time you had a pop-tart? I bet it's been a solid 20 years for me. Brown sugar, in the toaster, and then slathered with butter is still the absolute best pop-tart combo possible.
Strawberry is second. Everything else is garbage. Not even worth a Mount Rushmore, because those are the only two acceptable answers. I guess blueberry ain't awful in a pinch.
Finally, here's Britney Spears making her return to Instagram after what appears to be one hell of a trip:
I'll go ahead and save you some time …
"The favorite part of my trip is being naked in the water … since I changed my name to Xila I'm having a hard time understanding english."
Our girl is as stable as ever, folks. Sleep easy tonight. All is well with Xila (Britney) Spears.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Does the MLB schedule make sense to you? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.