Bombshell News: Abraham Lincoln Was Apparently Very Gay And Slept With A Ton Of Dudes

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Well, we've done it. Society has done it. Congrats to all who played a part. 

Abraham Lincoln – arguably the greatest president of all time (not named Ronald Reagan!) – was gay. Or, you know, he at least dabbled in dudes. 

How's THAT for a Friday news dump!?

That's right. Honest Abe – the man who guided us through the Civil war, abolished slavery and currently resides on our penny – allegedly slept with a bunch of dudes back in the day, according to a new documentary set to drop later this year. 

For those who need to know more, look no further! Here's the trailer for Lover of Men, which went live yesterday and had America all over the place:

America reacts to Abraham Lincoln being gay

Look, I have no clue if Abraham Lincoln was gay, bisexual, or whatever the hell we call it nowadays. I'm sure this ain't news to you history buffs out there, but it certainly grabbed my attention this morning. 

I don't care what the guy did behind closed doors. That's his business. By all accounts, he was a good president. At least that's what I hear. He's also given this country a great avenue for dark joke telling. 

Need it like I need a hole in the head! 

But, as for whether Abraham Lincoln slept with a bunch of guys back in the 1800s? I have no idea. And I don't care. 

BUT, it is just so on-brand in 2024 for this country to be producing a movie about Abraham Lincoln maybe being gay, and then somewhat admonishing us for not being accepting enough in 2024. It's perfect. 

This is gonna be such a collosal flop whenever it does come out, I can't wait. Did Disney produce it? Seems like something right down their alley. 

I mean, honestly … WHO wants to watch this movie? Does anyone? Beyond the fact that it's a funny headline to write and the trailer was funny, I'm not really sure what else we're supposed to do now? Like, where do we go from here?

What if they prove Abe Lincoln banged dudes? Then what? What's the end-game?

All in all, a pretty solid way to end another solid week in #America. Let's head over to the internet and get the pulse:

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Zach grew up in Florida, lives in Florida, and will never leave Florida ... for obvious reasons. He's a reigning fantasy football league champion, knows everything there is to know about NASCAR, and once passed out (briefly!) during a lap around Daytona. He swears they were going 200 mph even though they clearly were not.