AT&T Lily Wraps Herself In A Towel, Abe Lincoln Outed As Gay & ESPN Had A Tough Night
Oh yeah, baby! We made it. We're here. Another summer week down. Another Friday night staring us right in our fat, American faces.
Can't beat it. Is it a billion degrees out in Florida and so unbelievably humid that my windows have legitimately been fogged up since Monday? Of course. That, by the way, is 100% true. Every single window in my house has been damp for a week now. You just can't see out of them.
Too humid outside, too cold inside. Doesn't work. Science doesn't add up. But I digress.
Where were we? Oh yeah! Getting everyone psyched up for the weekend. Shouldn't be too hard. I mean, it's the weekend. What the hell else do you need to know? Let's get after it.
On that note, welcome to a Friday Nightcaps – the one where AT&T Lily dumps out mid-July content and keeps us on our toes during the dog days of summer. Hey, Lily – have any extra towels I could snag for my damn windows? Thanks!
What else? I've got a Mississippi State professor dancing her way into a big Maroon Friday, an ESPN cameraman panning over to Damar Hamlin at just the worst possible time, Kay Adams checking in for the second time this week (!!!), and – oh yeah!!! – Abe Lincoln is gay. True story.
Didn't see that one coming, did you? We zig, they zag. Don't forget it.
Grab a handful of french fries for National French Fry Day, wash ‘em down with some Pecan Pie for National Pecan Pie Day, and then settle in for a Friday ’Cap!
What a night for the ESPYS
Two National Days in one? What a treat! I've already done my Mount Rushmore of Pies at least twice this year, so no need to rehash that.
But fries? Oh, hell yes.
- McDonald's (duh)
- Burger King (underrated and disrespected, frankly)
- Checkers (if you know, you know)
- Wendy's (but only in the old-school yellow cup)
I'd also accept: Chick-Fil-A, although waffle fries are an entirely different ballgame, and … sweet potato! That's right. Some people scoff at sweet potato fries, but, done right, they are electric.
Dip those bad boys in some marshmallow sauce and you have yourself a damn party.
Moving on …
What a night for the woke ESPYS! Did you watch? Of course not. Nobody did, or has, for years. What a fall from grace from the Jimmy V years. Sad.
Anyway, I will give ESPN credit for providing us with a ton of content for a Friday in July. Not all heroes wear capes, you know.
You had Serena Williams blasting Harrison Butker, which was predictable, and an ESPN cameraman (operator? I don't wanna get canceled) panning over to Damar Hamlin at just the worst possible time.
Solid work all around!
AT&T Lily showers up for a big weekend
See? Solid night with an even better ending. I'm sure all 12 viewers who stuck around that long were furious. Oh well. Get 'em next year!
PS: what a run for Nick Saban right now. Did he make the right decision or what? Bet he could get through an hour Big Boy presser without a teleprompter.
Keep fighting, Joe! We need you in this race!
OK, let's keep the line moving. We'll revisit the ESPYS here in a bit with Kay Adams, but first … welcome to class, AT&T Lily!
Milana Vayntrub became a Screencaps student earlier this year, and now she's been pro(de)moted to Nightcaps.
What a story.
Did you have Abe Lincoln being gay on your 2024 Bingo card?
Welcome to class, AT&T Lily! By the way, I have AT&T, and it STINKS, mainly because it's absurdly expensive and the service sort of sucks.
Been thinking a lot about switching it up lately, especially in Joe's economy. Any suggestions? T-Mobile commercials are all over the place, so they're my first thought – which speaks to the power of marketing, I reckon. But who knows? Maybe I'll be a Cricket guy?
Any suggestions from the audience would be greatly appreciated. I'd like to be able to eat dinner next month, so the quicker, the better. Won't be the first time I hear that today!
PS: seems like a decent time to walk away from AT&T:
Next? I wrote about this earlier today, but it's worth a spot in today's class … anyone have Abe Lincoln being outed on your summer Bingo card? If so, you win!
Emptying the tank, RIP Redbox, Will Ferrell debate & Go Bulldogs!
Wow!
That's right. Honest Abe – the man who guided us through the Civil war, abolished slavery and currently resides on our penny – allegedly slept with a bunch of dudes back in the day, according to this new documentary set to drop later this year.
PS: this tweet? A+
I assume by the profile picture, Ukraine flag and needle emoji, Hollaria wouldn't much like this class, but funny is funny, and she nailed that one. Good work.
Rapid-fire time because you all have a big night to prepare for. Let's get after IT.
First up? Pour one out for the Redbox later tonight:
I mean, what a dark day in this country. First Blockbuster, then Blockbuster Express (look it up), and now, Redbox. Just a disaster.
Serious question: who in the hell was actually keeping Redbox in business? I'm being 100% serious here – if you have rented from an actual Redbox kiosk in the last year, I NEED to know. Please. I'm begging you. When where, and, of course, what did you get?
Sad. We used to be such a great country.
Next? At least we still have this Mississippi State professor!
Buddy, I am ALL IN on MSU Kathleen. All in. Love the energy she brings. It just means more in the SEC, you know.
And don't look now, but fall camps open in about three weeks. Maybe less. Glancing at the ‘ol calendar, we have exactly six Saturdays left without football. That’s it. On the seventh Saturday, we GO.
Here's your weekly Friday reminder, fellas, to start getting the house chores done NOW. You want a blank canvas seven Saturdays from tomorrow.
Speaking of, let's go ahead and empty the Twitter tank from the stuff I didn't get to this week:
Kay Adams takes us into the weekend
By the way, James was 100000% right. Will Ferrell isn't funny. You wanna talk about a hoax, this is it. Step Brothers? Eh. It's fine, but the best part of that movie is the guy from Parks & Rec singing in the car.
But you wanna know when I really turned on Will? When he had that awful six-episode arc in The Office after Michael left. It was terrible. Literally the worst part of the entire series. Nothing about it was funny.
DeAngelo Vickers SUCKED. Whenever those episodes are on Comedy Central, I immediately change the channel. Can't do it.
Whew. How's THAT for a way to end a big week? A little dark? Fine. Here's Queen Kay instead.
See you Monday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You sticking with At&T Lily? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.