AT&T Lily Teases An OnlyFans, The OutKick Girls Help 'Make America HOT Again' & Danica's Lib-Triggering Hat!
Happy Hump Day, I'm an IDIOT. How's that for an intro?
You ever lose something and then spend literally an entire off-day looking for it, only to realize it's suddenly 10 p.m., the house is in shambles, you have to work tomorrow AND you never found it?
That was my day yesterday. Went to go run errands in the morning, only to discover I couldn't find my truck key.
"But Zach, just use the spare, dummy!"
That would be a great idea, but – if you attended any of the summer courses – you'd remember that my truck was broken into last July and the SCUMBAGS stole my keys. Not my truck. Just … my truck key.
So, I forked over $300 to get a new one, and now … I've lost it. Lord knows where it is. I flipped this house upside down yesterday. Checked every single ass-pocket I have. Tore my King Ranch to pieces. I don't get it.
And you know what the worst part is? I'm gonna cave tomorrow and pay another $300 for another key, and the second that transaction goes through it'll turn up. Blood bank guarantee. That would be -1000 on DraftKings today.
Oh well. Onwards and upwards.
Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we start an OnlyFans with AT&T Lily (!!!) and go from there.
What else? I've got Mark Hamill going dark (for three seconds), OutKick's Hayley Caronia helping get America back on track, and Danica Patrick's MAGA hat collection riling up all the LIBS.
Hayley, Danica, Mark AND AT&T Lily? What a menu!
Grab you an Ultra Right with the Hot Women of MAGA, and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!
What a twist!
So, I didn't expect class to start like this today, but you never know where the lesson plan is gonna take you. I certainly don't when I wake up in the morning.
One second you're gutting your closet looking for your keys, the next you're thumbing through the new Ultra Right MAGA babes calendar, and you see THIS:
My God … it's OutKick's own, Hayley Caronia, as the May cover girl! Unreal. My jaw dropped. What a twist. I mean, is Trump's American 2.0 already infinitely better than Biden's, or what? Last year, it was Riley. This year, we get Hayley. What a time to be alive.
You think ESPN is pumping out girls like this? Well, to be fair, they are, but they're all woke. Not ours. Ours are pure 100% American and SANE. What did Trump say Monday? Common sense! We're making America HOT, HEALTHY, and COMMON SENSE-Y again.
Congrats to Hayley. Congrats to America. Now, let's get these bad boys plastered all over the office – and yes, I'm even talking to you lazy federal workers out there returning to work for the first time in five years.
Welcome back!
"What better way to celebrate Trump’s first full day back in office than with a calendar celebrating hot, healthy women?" Hayley told me this morning. "Conservatives really do have the good ones on their side. No blue hair, septum piercings, armpit hair or DEI … although the calendar does display women with different shades of blonde hair.
"We are so back."
Put Andruw in the hall, LIBS!
Thanks for that report, Hayley! Always wanted to work "septum piercings" into class, and you helped me do it. #Blessed.
Good to have you back in class. Been a while. Don't be such a stranger next time.
Now, before we get to AT&T Lily and woke Mark, I HAVE to pump out a quick PSA to the LOSER MLB Hall of Fame voters out there.
I wrote about it this morning while Trump was issuing his 576th executive order, but I'll rehash it here since half of you were asleep …
Andruw Jones belongs in the Hall of Fame. I know everyone is bitching and moaning about Ichiro not getting 100% of the votes today, but that's not the real issue. The real issue is the yearly passing on Andruw Jones.
Hey, losers – did you have TBS Superstation in the 1990s? Apparently not, because you're certainly not acting like it.
Chipper, thoughts?
I'm 100% with Larry here. He's right. Now, I'm also 100% biased because A) my wife is the biggest Andruw Jones fan on the planet, and B) I grew up watching the '90s braves on TBS before it became all Friends and Big Bang reruns.
That being said, Chipper does have a point. When you break it down and look at his stats – and then you SEE what he looked like as a center fielder – it's insane that he keeps getting left out.
Oh, you want some Andruw Jones SMUT on a Wednesday in January? Fine!
And you thought you were just gonna drool over Hayley and AT&T Lily today. Ha. We zig, they zag!
AT&T Lily, dark Mark & MAGA Danica
Yeah, I mean, what are we doing here? There are two hills I'll die on when it comes to Major league Baseball.
1. Prime Nomar > Prime Jeter, and it ain't particularly close.
2. Andruw Jones should be in the Hall of Fame.
I guess I'll add in a No. 3: Bring back steroids. The game was so much better. Don't know how much of a hot take that is, though. Feel like we all pretty much agree on that at this point.
Oh yeah! And No. 4: Normalize DARTS in the dugout again!
Can you tell that I'm ready for baseball season? It happens every year right around this time.
I've come down off the high of football season, I can't stomach the thought of the NBA for the next two months, and the 500 isn't for a few more weeks. Need some MLB Tonight whiparound coverage right now more than I need to find my truck keys! (Not really)
OK, rapid-fire time on this second-to-final Hump Day of January. First up? AT&T Lily is under attack!
Incredible. AT&T Lily is getting deep-faked, and now she's gonna fight back by … starting an OnlyFans to save the California fire victims. This is how you turn a negative into a positive. Way to think outside the box, Lil!
Next? Insufferable Mark Hamill lasted … six hours … in his blackout period to protest Donald J. Trump returning to office:
Nice effort, Mark! Maybe next time.
And don't get me started on that wacko Bishop, either. Stands there at her pulpit and waxes poetic to Trump about a bunch of nonsense, and then goes on TWO shows today (CNN and The View, shockingly) and tries to tell us it was all about "unity."
Yeah, OK, Mariann. Whatever you say. Nothing unifies the country like you going on THE VIEW AND CNN to answer a bunch of softball questions about your staged lecture to the sitting president.
What a disgrace. Can't wait to see her bring her message of unity to Hannity later tonight! That's how this works, right? Fair and balanced? I'm sure she's getting all booked up as we speak.
Gross. Just, gross.
Let's go ahead and wash that away with some Danica Patrick heaters to end the class. Sound like a plan?
Good!
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You ready for May yet, or what? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.