AT&T Lily Goes To Court, Emily Mayfield Goes Cowgirl & Goldfish Rebrands With The Dumbest New Name Imaginable

Look, I hate to start class like this, but my new (woke!) dentist left me no choice yesterday. It's still on my mind today, so I need to get it out of the way before we start banging the gavel with AT&T Lily. 

Anyone in this class ever – or currently – use invisalign? It's basically this generation's version of braces, except more expensive and less ugly. Anyway, I got my new teeth yesterday, and they work because I inhaled a burger for dinner last night. All good there. 

My issue? I stayed after the fact to get what I thought was gonna be a routine cleaning. After they poked the shit out of my gums for 20 minutes – anyone who has been to the dentist knows what I'm talking about – the doc comes in and tells me that my bite is off, my bottom teeth are wearing out because of it, my gums need a deep clean, and the only way to fix it all would invisalign. 

"OK, sure. What are we looking at price-wise?" I said. 

"Let me draw you up a treatment plan," she responded. That's NEVER a good sign, by the way. Never. 

Ten minutes later, she comes back and lays a sheet of paper on me with a bunch of fancy words and numbers. 

"$1,000 for the deep clean right now because your insurance is maxed out from the new teeth, and only $4,000 for invisalign."

Huh? Wait, what? You're telling me you want to charge me $1,000 for a … deep clean … of my mouth? And another $4,000 to wear clear braces for 20 hours a day (!!!) for an unknown amount of time (!!!!!) to maybe fix a bite issue that I didn't know about until 20 minutes ago?

Yeah, I'm good. I popped in a wintergreen 6 MG Rogue and walked my ass right out the door – right by the giant sign in the front promoting invisalign, by the way. Seriously. Sure, that's not suspect at all!

Anyway, I'll get the deep clean – in three months, when the new year starts, and my insurance will cover it. As for invisalign, there's less than 0% chance I'm ever doing that. For starters, I'll never actually keep up with it. I know myself, and that ain't happening. 

Anyone here ever done it? I know it's the trendy thing right now, but I just can't imagine myself getting on board with it. 

Like Tua and maybe getting turned into scrambled eggs with one more concussion, I'll take my chances and play the odds on this one that I WON'T lose all my teeth down the road because I opted not to do invisalign. 

Whew. What a rant. Let's start class now!

Mad Dog is all of us after last night's Bronny show

On that very long, weird, bitchy note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we get back on track with AT&T Lily and then celebrate the NBA's return!

Just kidding. Well, you may have celebrated it last night – and that's fine if you did, we don't judge (too much) here – but I was instantly annoyed within hours of the opening tip. 

This Bronny James nonsense is INSANE. Seriously, it's batshit crazy. Now, I don't blame LeBron one bit for dropping his you-know-what on the table and getting the Lakers to sign Bronny. That's a good dad move. I respect the hell out of it. 

BUT, the stunts the Lakers – and the James' – pulled last night, both before and during the actual game, were beyond ridiculous. 

For starters, posing with the Griffeys before the game, as if the two families were even on the same planet when it came to father-son duos, was the most disrespectful thing I've ever witnessed. 

And the way NBA Twitter just ate it all up like we were witnessing such an amazing moment in history … insane. I truly don't get it. 

Bronny STUNK in college! He stunk. He averaged four points per game at USC last year, and is now … playing actual minutes for the LA Lakers? Like, what are we doing here? 

Anyway, Chris Russo – who is probably the only good part of First Take nowadays – cut through all the red tape with a giant pair of scissors this morning and spoke for all of us on this one:

Goldfish, Teslas & AT&T Lily

I mean, it's just spot-on. Everything he said was correct, except the part about everyone loving LeBron James. That's 100% not true. I used to like LeBron, but the virtue-signaling just became too much. 

But everything else Mad Dog just shouted about for three minutes? Righto! It's all so fake. Just disgustingly fake. Oh well. 

Welcome back, NBA!

OK, let's rapid-fire this class into a big Hump Day night. First up? If you've ever thought to yourself, ‘what’s the dumbest, most pointless marketing ploy in the history of time?' … I think I've found your answer!

What? When I saw this, I thought it was shtick. But it's real. Goldfish is now being relabeled "Chilean Sea Bass."

Chilean Sea Bass!!!

For starters, has anyone ever actually had a Chilean Sea Bass? I feel like Gordon Ramsay makes it all the time, and I see it on fancy food shows a lot, but I've never had one. Any good? 

Aside from that, I guess I just didn't know that Goldfish needed a boost, sales-wise. Has the Goldfish market cratered in this generation? 

Admittedly, I don't know that we've ever had a box of Goldfish in our house, so maybe there are a bunch of Dean households out there like us and the market has just run dry? 

Maybe this gets Goldfish back on track? I don't see how, but crazier things have happened. 

PS: remember when IHOP became IHOB for a couple days back in 2018 before people got so pissed they immediately abandoned ship? Hilarious. 

What a time to be alive!

Next? For those wondering if you can drive your Tesla into a bad neighborhood – as Trump would say! – here is your answer:

There you have it, folks! The First Lady HATES these things (the truck, not OnlyFans model). Hates them. Whenever we pass one on the road, there's an inevitable sigh coming from the passenger seat. Never seen anyone get so triggered by something so silly (that's not a lib, anyway). Wild. 

I don't mind them. I'd much prefer my gas-guzzling F-150 King Ranch, but I don't hate anything that has Elon's fingerprints on it. Lord knows my portfolio depends on him. 

OK, finally … it's been a while, let's check in with AT&T Lily on this second-to-last Hump Day of October:

Take us home, Emily Mayfield

Had no clue AT&T Lily was in the recent Menendez Brothers show. You learn something new every day. From the AT&T store to the courtroom in just a few short years. 

What a path. 

OK, that's it for today. I've got invisalign testimonials to read. 

Take us home, Emily. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Is Bronny James the next best thing in the NBA? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.