Ashton Hall, The Saratoga Water Guy Who May Or May Not Be A Fraud, Just Dropped His Nightly Routine

I cannot get enough of this Ashton Hall character. You know who I'm talking about, right? The guy who has literally been all over your Twitter feed for the past week? The cat who single-handedly saved Saratoga water? The one who rubs banana peels on his face and dunks his head into ice water 14 times a day?

Yeah – that guy! 

He's insane. He went viral last weekend for reasons I'm still unsure about. I don't know how or why things go viral, but I've never – in all of my life as an internet blogger – seen an ascension quite like Ashton's. 

It was like watching the Pyramids being built in real time. Or the Great Wall of China. It was beautiful. Poetry in motion. 

He's an ex-college football player with just the worst stats in the history of the sport (8 carries for 6 yards at Alcorn State!), who has since turned into a social media fitness influencer. Pretty mundane when I put it like that, but when you see the video that grabbed the internet by the nuts last weekend, you'll see why. 

Here's the OG clip that you've undoubtedly seen a billion times:

But wait, there's more!

See? Amazing. I can't stop watching. It's got everything. At one point, he was in midair for four minutes during the pool jump. Incredible. 

Anyway, you've seen that one by now. Luckily for us, Ashton dropped his NIGHTLY routine last night on social media, and buddy, it is a worthy sequel!

It ain't Empire Strikes Back, but it still gets the job done. I cannot get enough of this Ashton Hall. Is it shtick? Is it a bit? Does he know he has the internet by the balls right now, and he's just capitalizing on it? 

Maybe it's all true. Maybe none of it is. He says he's a millionaire influencer who worked his way to the top with hard work. He's obsessed with Saratoga water, and nobody can figure out why. He tapes his mouth shut for, like, 70% of the day. What's going on there?

Going to bed at 7:30 just to wake up at 3? Insane behavior. This guy spends all day getting ready for bed. That's it. He just wakes up, and starts immediately preparing for the next day. 

What a life. Frankly, the most relatable thing he's done so far is the alarm management system. We all do this:

Incredible. LOVE this dude. I can't get enough. And you know what? Even if it's all BS, I still respect it. Money is money. If this makes Ashton rich, I applaud the hell out of him for leaning into it. We all have our calling in life. This is Ashton's, apparently. 

Now, it's not relatable – at least for me. I'm a dad with two kids who don't sleep. No shot I can follow this daily regimen. 

Here's mine, for those wondering:

- wake up at 6 a.m. on the couch because my 7-month-old slept in my bed for the 100th straight night

- make coffee in the dark because I don't want to wake up the whole house

- blog about a hot girl or something dumb the Libs did that day

- pop in first nicotine pouch of the day at 7:30

- sprint to bathroom

- deal with kids for next two hours before 9:45 meeting

- put 7-month-old down for first nap

- more blogging, more nicotine, more coffee

- lunch, which is usually non-existent because we don't have the foresight to prep meals

- another nap

- nightcaps!

- 3:30 meeting

- immediately pour first drink of the day

- take kids on walk to kill time before bed, only to realize we have three hours to go

- final nap

- dinner, which is usually as much of a shitshow as lunch

- bedtime for both kids, mercifully

- another drink

- contemplate sex, but just end up binging Kitchen Nightmares instead

- bed for two hours max until baby wakes up

- back to the couch for the night

Different worlds.