'America's Hottest Cart Girl' Hits Stripes, Jordan Spieth Is Miserable & Bryson Tells Slow Group To Move

How in the hell am I supposed to teach class today when they've been hitting golf shots at Augusta National since breakfast? 

I mean, come on. How is this not a holiday? Any time we're blessed with Tiger Woods being forced to play a billion holes at The Masters, it should be a holiday. 

Mix in an absolute RUN from Max Homa, an implosion from Jordan Spieth, Jim Nantz calling someone a bitch and Bryson doing Bryson things, and there's absolutely no reason anyone should be here right now. 

For those who are, however … thank you for showing up. Love the effort. Appreciate it. Unreal dedication. 

On that note, welcome to a Friday Nightcaps – the one where we hit a couple stripes with America's Hottest Cart Girl, Cass Holland, and hope to God it's enough to hold your attention for the next few minutes. I have my doubts, and I dont' blame you, but we'll see. 

We'll check in with Cass today. We'll hit the range with Bryson. We'll get the Kentucky troops fired up with Mark Pope. I also spent the morning dealing with insane garage sale shoppers at 8 a.m., SHARP. 

Y'all ever been part of a neighborhood garage sale on a Friday during The Masters?

Of course not, because your neighborhood has common sense. Mine? Wild Wild West. What a rush to start my day. 

Grab a grilled (pimento) cheese in honor of National Grilled Cheese Day and settle in for a sparsely-attended Masters Friday class:

How about this Masters Friday garage sale

As I said, I was trying to watch the resumption of The Masters early this morning when The First Lady drops the bomb on me that not only is something called a "Neighborhood Garage Sale" starting at 8 a.m., but she has to run to "get signs." That was 7:40. 

She asked me to at least open the garage and move all the tables she had somewhat set up to the driveway, so I figured it was the least (literally, I didn't even know we were having a garage sale) I could do. No sweat, right? 

Except the second and I mean the SECOND I opened the garage, all the crazies swarmed our house like it was The Walking Dead. I've never seen anything like it. I'm talking five cars deep out of nowhere. 

Do you think I know what this wrapping paper costs? No clue. None. Someone asked, and I just blurted out, "$5." Thought it seemed reasonable. Hell, I have no idea what wrapping paper costs in Joe's economy. Could be $100 for all I know. 

Anyway, she looked at me like I was crazy. Like I had two heads. 

The First Lady gets back and I tell her. She picks up the wrapping paper and looks at it, which is probably something I should've done. 

The price tag from when we bought it was still on there. It was $1.99. 

Would've been a helluva deal for me, though! Oh well. Back to the Masters I went. Thank God. 

Not an awful way to spend an afternoon garage-saling, though:

I'm all in on Bryson DeChambeau at this point 

How about the Big Cat's first 9 today? Scramble City, and he managed it pretty well. Would be cool to see him NOT have to play 25 holes of golf in one day when he's got the body of a 90-year-old at this point, but whatever. 

The limp wasn't too bad. I've seen worse. At least he didn't collapse in the tee box … yet. 

Now, one fella who most certainly doesn't have the body of a 90-year-old is Bryson DeChambeau, who continues to be an absolute specimen despite losing all that weight. 

The guy is electric. I used to despise him back in the day when he was a cocky little you-know-what, but I've done a complete 180 on him over the past few years. 

I mean, how can you NOT root for this guy:

Nobody wants to be at Augusta today less than Jordan Spieth

You know what I think it is? I think Bryson became instantly more likable – or likable at all – when he ditched those stupid hats. They made him such a douche. It's all in the details, you know. 

Now, while Bryson's had a pretty good few days at Augusta, Jordan Spieth has been miserable. Just miserable. Between Dustin Johnson, Brian Harman and Jordan Spieth, I can't think of three people who want OUT of Augusta more today than those three. 

Jordan woke up and resumed his round with a sequence that I even looked at and said, ‘hell, I could’ve done better than that.'

And, of course, it didn't get any better. 

Masters call, Cart Girl & Mark Pope hype 

Just a tough few days for Jordan. What's happened to him? Seriously. 

True story: back when Jordan was No. 1 in the world and literally the next coming, I followed him and Jake Owen around the Vero Beach Country Club for 18 holes during the Grapefruit Pro-Am. 

They were just slugging beers on the cart between holes, there was absolutely no security for the gallery, Jake Happy Gilmore'd one off the tee – it was beautiful. 

Bring back THAT Spieth. Please. Don't like to see him down like this. 

OK, rapid-fire time as we motor towards moving day. 

First up? A couple locals just looking for a tee time at Augusta National this weekend:

Can you just call Augusta and actually get an answer? Is that possible? Had no idea. 

Next? We'll quickly pivot from the links to the court, where Kentucky fans are PUMPED about new head men's basketball coach Mark Pope today. 

And by pumped, I mean Lexington is currently burning to the ground:

I'm all in. What's the problem, Wildcat Nation? I mean, are you really any worse off than before?

Electric. 

OK, that's enough for today. Someone's checking out my Busch Light bathing suit I reluctantly put up for sale and I've got smote haggling to do. 

Let's go have a weekend. 

See you Monday. 

Take us home, Cass Holland!

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Ever been part of a community garage sale? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.