Alabama Cheerleader Chloe Takes Shot At Texas, Pat Mahomes Played With Porn Stars Last Night, AI Jerry Jones & Week 1 NFL Broadcast Maps Are Awful
It's our first NFL Football Friday of the year and we have an unbelievable weekend ahead. I'm talking rematches out the ass tomorrow -- hello, Alabama-Texas! -- and a full slate of NFL games Sunday.
Oh yeah, we also got that big, beautiful Scott Hanson back on our TV screens at 1 p.m. sharp for 7 hours of commercial free football! Does anyone have it better than us -- the USA -- right now? I don't think so. God I love this country, even if it's run by a bunch of senior citizens.
Welcome to a Friday Nightcaps! We're gonna talk Alabama football cheerleaders, Patrick Mahomes, porn, AI Jerry Jones and more today. How's that for a mixed bag? Oh yeah! I'm also going to bitch and moan about our first NFL broadcast map of the year, because it's already annoyed me and it's only Week 1.
Does 90% of the country really need to see the Eagles beat the Patriots by 10 on Sunday? Seriously. What are we doing here? We get it, CBS -- you need to send Jim and Tony to Foxboro at least six times a year, it's in the contract. Idiots.
Whew. I needed to get that off my chest. More to come!
I think I've pretty much covered everything by now. I assume there will be more, but it's a Friday and I have beer to drink, so let's all just power through and get to the end so we can move on to better things.
And if that sounds like something I've heard before -- it is!
Alabama cheerleader Chloe predicts Tide by 50 over Texas
We're jumping right in today because we've got a loaded Saturday slate ahead of us.
There are a couple biggies tomorrow, including Texas-Alabama, Nebraska-Colorado and Texas A&M-Miami. After a pretty pedestrian Week 1, that's more like it.
'Bama barely beat Texas last year in Austin, and I have no idea where this one's gonna go. It's not often you get Alabama so low at home (-7) so I may feel inclined to jump on that.
This would be a classic letdown game for Colorado, but I'm not sure Prime's gonna let that happen. Nebraska looked pretty awful last week and pissed away a late lead, and this is Colorado's home opener. I think they roll way past the number (-3).
As for the other game, Miami looked like trash in College Station last year and it's essentially the same team. That being said, anyone remember this little gem from last season?
ELECTRIC.
That being said, I'm seeing a lot of reports out of Miami about tickets being priced too high and some empty seats on the horizon. Don't love it. Texas A&M at -3.5 may be the play.
OK, fine. You're all here for Alabama Chloe, not my terrible gambling picks, so take it away!
Patrick Mahomes played with a bunch of porn stars last night
Roll Tide, Chloe! Alabama by 50 indeed.
Now, back to the NFL.
First off, congrats to the Lions. Any time Dan Campbell gets to bust some kneecaps, I'm in, and they stomped on the Chiefs last night.
That being said, Kansas City wins that game with Travis Kelce. Frankly, they probably cover, too. Kadarius Toney STINKS. He could not have been less interested in that game last night if he tried.
How does the brass not get Patrick Mahomes any better weapons beyond Kelce? Seriously. He had all night to throw on most dropbacks and there was just nobody open. When they were, they stunk.
This little nugget of a Tweet (x?) was an absolute eye-opener for me, too:
How did I not see that before?
Skyy Moore(!!!)
Rashee Rice.
Justyn Ross.
Noah Gray.
Incredible. That's the best Kansas City could come up with this offseason? And how about Big Red Andy Reid dropping his nuts on the table with THAT cast of characters and going for it on 4th and 25 last night?
That was as likely to fail as poor Bobby's fantasy team, according to Yahoo's weird ChatGPT report card.
Nice catch, Skyy Moore. Stick to your night job.
AI Jerry Jones is here even though literally nobody asked for it
Between that one and the 17 Toney drops, heads should be rolling today in KC. At the very least, Travis Kelce should be the richest TE in NFL history by nightfall.
Also, how about the stones on Chris Jones? Just shows up to get his ring and watch while refusing to play. What a move.
Hilarious.
Now, let's check in with the folks down in Dallas! Both the real AND the fake ones.
The Week 1 NFL broadcast map is garbage as usual
What a time to be alive.
Please, I'm begging you, someone ask fake Jerry his thoughts on Joe Biden and our current economy.
Why did you choose AT&T to be our naming rights partner?
Literally the dumbest question I've ever heard. Here, let me answer: because Spectrum STINKS. That's why. Next question.
Nice little chair straddle there from Jerry, too. That's called paying attention to the details.
If you wanna watch Jerry's Cowboys take on the Giants this week, you're in luck! For the 137th straight season, they open up on NBC and Sunday Night Football.
You wanna talk about the NFL script -- Giants-Cowboys Week 1 on SNF is written in permanent marker every single year.
For those looking for other games Sunday, here's you FOX and CBS broadcast map, which is just awful:
Christen Harper is pleased with her man & NFL picks
I bitched about CBS's obsession with the Pats and Chiefs last season, and we're starting off with another doozy this year.
You're telling me half the country wants to see Eagles-PATS and the other half is just pining for RAIDERS-BRONCOS? Excuse me?
There are three games in the CBS late window Sunday, and I can tell you which one the casual fan wants to watch. It ain't the above two.
Pretty sure the highest point total of any game this weekend is Dolphins-Chargers. Pretty sure Herbert vs. Tua moves the needle more than Mac Jones and Jimmy G. Sending Jim and Tony to Foxboro when Tom Brady isn't suited up should be automatic jail time. Enough.
FOX, meanwhile, made the obvious right choice with its late game. Send the Rams to the sun.
Speaking of Sunday ... let's get rich, kids!
Love Baltimore (-9.5) over Houston. How are the Jags only a 4.5-point favorite over Anthony Richardson? Same with the Commanders at -7 over whatever the hell that team in Arizona is?
I'd probably also dabble in the Eagles (-4), mainly because I hate the fact that CBS is making most of the country watch Mac Jones.
Finally, you know who Christen Harper is picking this weekend? Jared Damn Goff. Pucker up, big guy. You got a big few days ahead of you.
Now let's go have a weekend.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Alabama gonna make Texas look small tomorrow? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.