Pro Golfers and Vintage Adult Stars Team Up for the Totally Fake OutKick Fantasy Classic

PublishedJune 17, 2021 3:06 PM EDT|UpdatedJune 17, 2021 3:06 PM EDT

For the average desk jockey like me, playing professional golf is the ultimate fantasy. Rolling up to an immaculate course that isn’t scorched, getting paid to play instead of forking over $40 to the local muni government, throwing Nantz a power grip with heavy eye contact after a big major win... It’s the dream life.

According to Fanduel Sportsbook, for these five players, the dream of winning big is not only a reality but a probability. Jon Rahm (+1000), Bryson DeChambeau (+1400), Dustin Johnson (+1600), Xander Shauffele (+1600), and Brooks Koepka (+1100) are the five favorites leading into this weekend’s U.S. Open at Torrey Pines. This means for every $100 wagered on any of these players, you win the amount of their odds plus your investment.

In honor of these five big hitters living the fantasy, let’s pair each of them up with another type of young man’s fantasy—one that’s also accustomed to going low—vintage porn stars. Welcome to the Inaugural Stroke Play Fantasy Classic, presented by OutKick! It will be televised, yes, but only on a scrambled channel your parents don’t pay for, so this preview may have to suffice. You can always just turn up the volume and think about how it feels to be a man, though. To the pairings!

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Jon Rahm/Christy Canyon

Two BIG hitters in their primes, Rahm and Canyon will be a force off the tee and should have no problem with the many undulations that Torrey Pines famously sports. Canyon notoriously quit the industry a few times, but always came back in even better shape than before. Let’s see if Rahm can capitalize on that same comeback energy after his COVID disqualification last week.

Bryson DeChambeau/Victoria Paris

If this pairing works, it will be because opposites attract. DeChambeau is notoriously meticulous, intelligent to a fault, and -- some might say -- difficult. Victoria, on the other hand, is known for her bubbly personality, with many going as far as saying she is the nicest actress they ever worked with naked. The one thing both players can agree on is their affinity for uniformly big sticks, no matter the shot.

Dustin Johnson/Taylor Wane

Sometimes in sports, it’s best to not overthink it. Taylor Wane was an absolute vintage legend. Beautiful enough to be a face of the league early in her career, she transitioned from young phenom to crafty MILF veteran with relative ease, seemingly getting better and better with age. Tall, handsome, rich, and known for the occasional party streak, DJ is basically every Myrtle Beach divorcee’s dream. Plus, he’s got a pretty fine looking mama on his arm already.

Xander/Celeste/Keisha

With a name like Xander, it’s time to drop the Shauffele and embrace single name stardom. In the biz, it’s all about your stage name. Celeste will tell you so herself. You don’t get to star in classics like Up and Cummers 4 while sporting your grandmother’s German surname. Plus, by dropping the extra syllables, there’s enough room on the scorecard to make this pairing a best ball threesome.

Brooks Koepka/Ginger Lynn

Two former world number ones are looking to regain their old form. Koepka and Lynn are still legends of the game, as evidenced by their low odds. Both household names known for their tanned physiques and their penchant for rolling their eyes back in their head, don’t be surprised to see them hoisting the trophy come Sunday.

Check out the Fanduel Sportsbook this weekend for all sorts of live odds, single round wagers, and props. If you missed the opening tee shots, don't worry. There's lots of chances to get in on the hot action as the weekend progresses. After you cash those big tickets, you can certainly afford to convert those old VHS bootlegs to digital. Enjoy the tournament!