Readers Dish On All Things Wedding & Why My Own Wedding Party Needed Medical Attention

The day after I got married, our entire wedding party went home with chemical burns.

Do I have your attention? Here's what happened:

We got married on Friday, Feb. 3, 2023, in Daytona Beach. Two reasons to get married on a Friday: 1) The venue is way cheaper than it is on a Saturday. 2) Now you have the whole weekend to party.

And party we did. The day after the wedding, everyone came to our hotel — a gorgeous 4-star resort on the beach — to hang out at the pool and drink beers. I actually looked forward to the Saturday pool party more than I did the wedding itself. Because at that point, my job as the bride was done. I didn't have to look pretty anymore. I didn't have to plan every last detail down to the minute anymore. I could just relax and get sloshed with my husband and our best friends and family.

It can be a little chilly in Daytona in February. Thank goodness, in addition to the beach's only infinity pool, the Daytona Grande also has a giant hot tub. And so, much of our Saturday was spent soaking our drunken bones in the Jacuzzi.

Until my cousin and my best friend told me their legs were burning.

"Same. I thought it was because I shaved today," I said.

They got out of the hot tub. Their legs — BEET red. They looked like they'd been tortured. My cousin dipped in the pool to try to calm the burning.

At this point, we all get out. Everyone is covered in the same red, swollen burns. The men have It worst, though: Their balls are on fire. 

We go to the front desk, and security immediately comes out to wrap the hot tub in caution tape.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. See, you can fork over a small fortune to stay in a fancy hotel. You can spend zillions more at the hotel bar. But you can never guarantee their pool guy properly checked the chlorine levels before you invite everyone you love over to take a fiery, chemical soak.

You gave out personalized koozies and bottle openers at your wedding? That's cute. We sent our whole party to the urgent care with dermatitis.

At least the groomsmen group chat got some fire memes out of it, though.

And no, I don't feel bad at all for putting the hotel on blast. Because it refused to compensate us at all for its own negligence.

There was pending legal action, but nothing ever came of it. Not many wives can say they spent the first day of their honeymoon sending pictures of their husband's balls to a lawyer, though.

I'm just lucky, I guess.

Wedding Planning Is A B-tch.

I tell you that story for a couple of reasons. 

First, because it's hilarious. (Now that we're a year removed, anyway.) We all fully healed — although I had reptilian skin for two months, and my husband's burnt, peeling manhood made parts of our honeymoon a little tricky. He powered through. He's a trooper.

But also because it is proof that no matter how meticulously you plan your wedding, something is going to go wrong.

Hell, we even had to make the last-minute call to move our whole ceremony indoors. Because we woke up on the morning of our wedding to this apocalyptic-looking stormy sky.

Many little girls grow up dreaming about their fairy tale nuptials. I was not one of them. And for much of my adulthood, I wasn't sure I'd ever get married at all. But as cliché as it sounds, meeting the right person really does change everything.

So after my now-husband proposed, it was all systems go. Wedding planning was a full-time job.

My mother-in-law told my husband throughout the process, "Just smile and nod." And while I love my mother-in-law dearly, this was not the right advice.

See, I didn't want my husband to just smile and nod. I wanted him to play an active role in helping me plan. This was his day, too. I wanted to make sure the wedding was going to be great for him and his friends — not just me and mine.

I didn't expect him to have too many opinions about flowers, dresses and decor. That's not really his wheelhouse. But I made it clear I wanted his input on food, booze, music, all the fun stuff. Because my goal was to throw the best damn party our friends and family had ever seen. I didn't want to be a spoiled princess where everything was all about me — with my husband just smiling and nodding off to the side. This was for US. And I wanted him to be as excited as I was.

After a little nagging on my part, Mike upheld his end of the bargain. And I will never forget, during our first dance, as he looked around at all our friends and family, he said to me… "I get it now."

And maybe I'm biased. But I like to think our wedding weekend was an experience our loved ones will talk about for years to come — even without the hot tub fiasco.

Let's open the mailbag.

Manny Does The Heavy Lifting

I think I speak for all men when I say I had no idea what an ordeal it is to plan a wedding. But I decided it's best for everybody if my big dumb self was not trying to pick flowers and colors. I let her handle the planning, and I handled the grunt work —  grocery store runs, carrying boxes, loading, unloading, stuffing envelopes …so many envelopes. If you're thinking of proposing, start buying stamps now. You'll never have enough.

Amber:

Let's be real: Women usually have a vision for their wedding. And as long as you're not torn up about orchids vs. lilies or sage green vs. dusty rose, just leave that part to her. But there are a whole lot of other ways to contribute.

Also, Manny speaks the truth. With save the dates, invitations and thank you cards, I feel like the wedding industry single-handedly keeps the Post Office in business. In addition to a stockpile of stamp books, I highly recommend hitting up Amazon for envelope moisteners. Your tongue will thank you.

Speaking of stamps…

Related to "FREEDOM" stamps on wedding invitations: I have one particular kind of wine that I consider to be my special occasion wine. I say "special occasion" because it costs more than $12.

So it's the same wine my husband had for me when he proposed and the bottle my girls left in our honeymoon suite on our wedding night. It just happens to be called … The Prisoner.

Joel says a good wedding only needs two things.

I’m a very firm believer that the most important things you need for a wedding are plenty of booze and a kickass band/DJ. If everyone has a great time at the party portion of your wedding, that is all they will remember.

I also advise any fiancé to stock up on his future bride's favorite alcoholic beverage the month before the wedding, because she will be stressed to the max over all of the little details that end up not even being important.

Amber:

Louder for the folks in the back, Joel!

My husband had two non-negotiables for our wedding: He refused to wear a tie, and there had to be steak. But lots of booze and good music were a big deal, too.

If you're not going to throw a great party, you might as well save your money and have a courthouse wedding. (Not that there is anything at all wrong with a courthouse wedding.)

In addition to a well-stocked bar, I highly recommend a list of signature cocktails. I made ours myself (mostly as a joke) — assuming people would opt for beer, wine or simple Jack & Cokes. But this menu was a huge hit.

Anonymous has big news!

Amber, I'm doing it. I'm taking the plunge. I told her sister (maybe a bad idea, but I wanted her help with picking out the ring). Now, sister is putting a ton of pressure on me to make it PERFECT. She's brought up lights and decorations and photographers. Can a man not just take a woman out to dinner and propose anymore?

Amber:

OK, I will preface this by saying you really need to know your girl here. Some women are into the big, public proposals. Some prefer something more intimate. I had only one rule for my husband. Don't you dare ask me to marry you on a Jumbotron at a sporting event.

But I think there's one thing most women will agree on when it comes to the proposal: We don't want to look ugly when it happens.

Back when I lived in Arizona, my friends and I used to go hiking all the time. I had one friend with a serious boyfriend who was terrified he was going to propose to her after a strenuous hike at the top of a mountain.

"If I'm sweaty and disgusting in our proposal photos, I will never forgive him," she said.

So whether you do it in an intimate setting, at a family event, on vacation, whatever — just make sure it's an occasion where she doesn't look like a bridge troll. Trust me. She's going to want to take a picture in the moment. And she's going to want to use that picture to announce the news to everyone.

Oh, and if she's a woman who likes to have her nails done, maybe time your proposal to happen when she has a fresh set.

And if she messes it up like the woman in the next video, that's on her.

As far as a photographer, Anonymous… If that's in the budget, you're going to get major brownie points for professional photos.

But I really don't think it's necessary.

• You two can take your own photos.
• Sneakily set up your camera to capture the moment.
• Or ask a friend/family member to film or take pictures.

Just make sure they don't get easily distracted.

Two Tales From Phillip's Wedding

1. Wife's mother and aunt had worked her DEEP into her emotions. ("The Bachelor" producers who work up the bachelorettes just before they go on camera are amateurs compared to MIL and AIL.)

She's bawling like a baby as she arrives with her Dad. Yada yada, he hands her off to me. She turns and faces me. I look upon her face. There's a river of clear snot running out her nose, across her lip and into her mouth. I'm mesmerized. Then a small green booger slips into the stream and rushes to its destination. This went on for most of the ceremony (meanwhile I know she's thinking this is THE Most Beautiful Wedding that has EVER taken place).

2. Time to exchange rings. "Repeat after me" (Suddenly I had the thought that I should very slowly put the ring on her finger and get it fully seated as I finish with the last part. Extremely romantic — Right?)

So the minister says a phrase, I repeat it while looking into her eyes and gently moving the ring down her finger. The minister is on phrase 3 or 4 when the ring starts moving on its own. Huh? What is going on? I look down and she's using her thumb to pull the ring along because evidently I'm too slow (I'm not even to the big knuckle yet). I had the first half of the phrase but had been distracted during the last half so I flubbed repeating my line. Everyone had a good laugh, and I got to explain what happened the rest of the night.

Amber:

A river of clear snot… Could no one get this poor woman a tissue?! Please tell me you can't see it in the photos.

But I'm certain you're not alone in flubbing the line. My friend's brother (we'll call him Sam) got married a couple of years ago. During the repeat-after-me vows, the officiant read the part where you take so-and-so to be your "lawfully wedded wife." Sam said, "my awfully wedded wife." Everyone laughed, but he didn't. He was serious. He really thought those were the words.

We avoided this problem all together by writing our own vows and doing them in private (a huge win for the guests who bet the "under" on our ceremony time). My brother was our officiant, and he nailed it. His speech was hilarious, personal and sincere — without being too sappy. No ugly, green booger crying for me.

Brian Brings Us Some Wisdom

I’ll get right to it. Been together for 35 years, happily married with a pair of adult kids for nearly 28 years now. So whatever you may think of what you’re about to read, this has obviously worked.

Proposal story: Me in my tiny studio apartment, living above some dude that would eventually get busted for making homemade bombs — true story! — eating some fast food I picked up on the way home from work that night. College girlfriend of 5-1/2 years is away at law school, calls me. After the usual catching up talk she says, "So, whaddya think about getting married?" Me — "Wait, are you proposing?" Her — "Well, we’re going to do it anyway once I graduate, right? Might as well start planning now." Me — "OK, sounds good." Her —"Don’t go wasting money on a ring now, we’ll get that later. Let’s go crazy on our honeymoon." (Which we did.) Romance!

How I fit in the wedding planning: "I know your family likes chicken wings and pigs in a blanket, but can you only choose just one to be included with the passing hors d’oeuvres?" (I chose the pigs. Less messy.) Oh, I got to pick the priest and booze, too.

My favorite thing about the wedding: Seeing her come down the aisle with a beaming smile on her face. I’m not stupid, I know I punched above my weight class, so that look unveiled my inner Sally Fields — "She likes me. She really likes me!" Man enough to admit I shed a tear.

Least favorite thing about the wedding: You shell out good money for a limousine and a photographer, you don’t expect the limo driver to look like he just stepped out of a Village People video — leather vest, AND leather hat — and you don’t expect the photog to come dressed like your weird uncle on a Thanksgiving bender.

Overall, a beautiful wedding that, to this day, friends remark as being one of the more memorable ones they’ve ever attended. So we got that going for us, which is nice.

Amber:

We're going to need more details about your old roommate who made homemade bombs.

Otherwise, I'm stuck on chicken wings and pigs in a blanket. The messiness factor is often overlooked, but it's something you really have to consider when planning food and drinks for a formal affair where the main character is wearing white.

It's been 28 years and Brian's friends are still talking about his wedding? That's a party right there, y'all.

George Says Ditch The Cake

As a happily married guy for 33 years, I have to say I do enjoy your Womansplaining column and find it interesting and entertaining.

Saw that your anniversary is Feb 3. Congrats! Wanted to offer some advice to you for the anniversary: They say storing a portion of your wedding cake in the freezer for a year and eating it on your anniversary is supposed to be good luck. I will tell you to save yourself. Ditch the cake and either make or buy a new one. My wife and I ate ours on the 1st anniversary and 32 years later I can still remember it was AWFUL. One bite and we went out for ice cream.

Amber:

So I'm not sure if the unmarried readers are aware, but wedding cakes are stupidly expensive. Now, I'm not discounting the work that a baker puts into a custom, four-tier masterpiece. I respect it. But I simply was not going to pay hundreds (thousands in some cases) for something people may or may not even eat. So we opted for a tiny round cake for us to cut, and we had a sheet cake in the back for everyone else.

Our cake was cute as hell with a custom action figure of our dog. It was also DELICIOUS. Cookie butter flavored. Unreal.

After we did the whole cake cutting song and dance, Mike and I split a small piece and went on with the rest of our night.

I am sad to report, the rest of that cake ended up in the back of my dad's car, and we forgot about it until we left the hotel two days later. It went completely to waste.

To this day, I'm a little bummed about it. Because it was SO GOOD.

So we took your advice without even knowing it, George. I hope the whole freezing-the-cake-and-eating-it-on-your-anniversary thing is not actually good luck. Or else we are doomed.

Neither Rain Nor Sleet Nor Snow Nor Hail… Shall Stop Kevin From Proposing.

I had a few days off at Christmas before heading to Texas for Air Force pilot training. Eugene, Oregon doesn't get much snow, so when it happens the roads are bad. Had to get the job done, so I walked about 5 miles to my girlfriend's place.  Because of the weather, I couldn't do my planned evening of going to a nice restaurant etc. With Lover Boy's "Working For The Weekend" playing on the radio (this was 1981) I did the bended knee thing and luckily got a "yes."

The only thing I did for our wedding was show up. She handled it all. With three days off in the middle of training, I flew home, got married and dragged her back to Del Rio, Texas with me. I was working 12-hour days and she didn't know a soul. With all that, she never had one single complaint. I had hit the jackpot!

We've had plenty of adventures since, and it will be 42 years in May. Every day is a great day because I wake up next to her.

Really enjoy your perspective on things, even with our difference in age. Keep up the good work and I hope your marriage is as good as mine.

Amber:

"Every day is a great day because I wake up next to her."

Kevin, I also hope my marriage is as good as yours. Thank you for your service and CHEERS to 42 years!

Happy Ending

I know one year doesn't compare to some of the readers above who are decades into marriage. But since our first anniversary is tomorrow, this week's happy ending is a tribute to our best day ever. And to a group of friends who still love us, even though we almost burned off their balls.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Fridays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.