Is Traditional Courting Dead? Dating Coach Says Group Outings Might Be A Better Option
Gather ‘round, friends. I’m going to tell you about my worst-ever first "date."
It was 2015 — shortly after I moved to Nashville. There was a guy at my gym who regularly flirted with me. We'll call him Brandon (because that was his name). He seemed nice enough, normal enough. He frequently made small talk in passing but never pestered me while I was working out. Respectful, courteous. I appreciated that.
One day, Brandon approached me and asked if he could take me out on a dinner date the following night. I already had plans that evening to watch the Preds game at a bar with a big group of friends. I told him, "Let's not call it a 'date,' but you're welcome to come along."
He accepted and asked if he could at least pick me up. I was planning to Uber anyway, so I agreed.
The next night, we pulled into the parking lot behind Tin Roof. Brandon put his card in the pay-to-park machine, and it declined. Awkward, but I didn't think much of it. Those card readers can be a real bitch sometimes. So I paid the $10, and we headed inside.
We walked up to the bar and ordered a drink. Brandon gave the bartender his card to start a tab.
You guessed it: declined.
He uncomfortably fumbled around with his phone — checking his online banking app and mumbling something about transferring cash and payday. The puck hasn't even dropped yet, and I'm wholeheartedly regretting this decision. I handed the bartender my card to cover the two drinks, and I went to find my friends.
I won't bog you down with all the details, but this freeloading schmuck made himself right at home — buddying up to everyone in the group and helping himself to the buckets of beer that everyone except for him was buying. The drunker he got, the more obnoxious he got. He kept trying to put his arms around me and even threatened to fight a random guy at the bar for "standing too close to my lady." His lady was me — at least in his delusional mind — despite my insistence that this would never be the case.
This story ends with two of my male co-workers carrying a half-conscious Brandon out of the bar and throwing him into a taxi. Which my friends paid for, of course.
Is Traditional Courting Dead?
If my grandmother were still around to hear about this event, she'd be horrified. In her day, a man properly courted a woman. He picked her up, he brought flowers, he held open the door, and he promised her dad he'd have her home at a reasonable hour.
That's obviously a cliché I pulled right out of a black-and-white TV show, and, of course, these things still happen. But in the age of dating apps and hook-up culture, traditional courting feels like an exception more than a rule.
Not that I entirely blame men for this. Taking a Tinder match for an expensive dinner on a first date? In this economy?!
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I recently spoke with Michael Sartain, CEO of Men of Action Mentoring and a seasoned relationship coach, about the changing landscape of modern dating. He explained that the concept of traditional courting came from an ancestral time period when options were limited and life spans were shorter.
Michael explained that there may be 150 people in tribe, city or village. Of those 150, roughly half might be female, and even fewer are available and in an appropriate age range to reproduce.
"And so in that case, if I go up and I say something stupid to one of these women or I get a bad reputation, then I'm just going to die a virgin," Michael said — pointing out that, throughout human history, more women were reproducing than men were.
But now, we have interstates, the Internet and access to many, many more people than the 150 in our immediate "tribe." Being rejected by one or two females will no longer damn a man to a life of eternal celibacy.
"If I wanted to take you on a date and do all those things that you mentioned [flowers, holding doors, buying dinner], that might work," Michael told me. "The problem is you have so many options on dating apps, to literally finish your 8 p.m. date with me and then go on a date with another guy at 10.
"There's nothing to stop you from doing that. So now I'm participating in this courtship, but you're not. How was that fair for me?"
My female readers might be rolling their eyes right now. But that scenario Michael just laid out is one I've heard over and over again from male friends and from readers: Why should a man be expected to drop $50-$100 on a first date when women are going on multiple first dates each week?
And honestly, it's a legitimate complaint.
Even with the noblest of intentions, it's expensive and exhausting for a man to attempt to court a woman who isn't really trying to be courted.
Are Group Outings The New First Dates?
I need to overemphasize that I'm not attacking women here. Obviously, not all females are casually dating for a quick meal ticket. And women have their concerns about first dates, too — like, Is he only being nice to me for one thing?
And I'm not talking about free food.
This first-date dilemma is a product of an abundance of choices and much easier access to members of the opposite sex than our ancestors (and even ur parents and grandparents) once had.
So with more and more people moving away from traditional courting, what does Michael Sartain recommend as the solution?
"I don't recommend people date at all. Dates are for people that you're dating," he explained. "What I recommend is large group activities with a social circle of friends, just like you did in high school. It works just fine when you're in high school. You do the same thing with large groups of people, and then you just kind of discover whether you guys like each other."
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Once you find someone with common interests and chemistry in a group social setting, Michael says, then you should ask them on a date.
"What men are doing instead — and this is what I think is a horrible piece of advice — is they're using the date to generate attraction," he said. "No, you need to be in a social situation. Let her see how you interact with other people. Let that generate attraction and then go on a date."
Immediately, I thought of my group outing with blitzed and belligerent Brandon. He generated repulsion, not attraction. As a result, a date never happened. Exactly Michael's point.
As you can imagine, my friends didn't let me live that one down. Even weeks later, someone would occasionally tease me with, "Remember that guy you brought to drink all our beer?" or "So what will you and Brandon name the kids?"
"You need to look at your social circle like an immune system — just like you have an immune system that keeps out bacteria and viruses, that fights off infection," Michael said.
"Having a social circle and then introducing people to the social circle… They'll come back and tell you. Yeah, it might be a little embarrassing, but you didn't date a narcissist, a psychopath, a guy with borderline personality disorder. They saved you from that."
To be clear, no one is saying Brandon was necessarily any of those things. But he certainly wasn't boyfriend material, either.
Despite my friends' ruthless jeering afterward, I'm grateful they looked out for me and removed the guy from the situation. And as embarrassing as Brandon's behavior was in the moment, I saw some true colors that might have otherwise taken a long time to discover.
I didn't need to waste my time on subsequent dates, and he didn't need to waste his money on fancy dinners. Or $10 parking fees.
So am I ready to tell men to ditch the first date altogether? Not quite. I still think there's a lot to be said for chivalry and old-school courting practices — maybe just be highly selective on whom you give that sort of effort to. As a woman in my mid-30s, I also know there are a lot less opportunities for large group outings than there were in high school.
Still, modern times call for modern solutions. And if you're tired of paying for dates that lead nowhere, maybe Michael's onto something.
Let Me Know What You Think
Is traditional courting dead or is it more of a lost art we need to bring back? Would you introduce a potential partner to your group of friends before ever taking him or her on a date? Ladies, have you ever joined the apps just for some free food?
Email me your thoughts at Amber.Harding@outkick.com!
Speaking of, let's open the mailbag.
Bruce Has Thoughts On Age-Gap Dating
On the subject of older men and younger women and vice versa, I have some thoughts.
- On marriage: first time for love, second time for money.
- Money makes a man better looking.
- Older women like younger men so they can teach them what they enjoy in and out of bed. Mostly in bed!
Amber:
1. I think for a lot of older men, the second time is entirely for looks.
2. Money makes everybody more attractive — regardless of gender. If you're filthy rich, people will want to date you regardless of how ugly you are. And if they don't, you can use that money to make yourself not ugly anymore. Ever seen the Kardashians before all that surgery?
3. This might be true for some women, but I'm the polar opposite. I have no desire to be with some 20-something whipper-snapper I have to train. Give me a grown man who already knows what he's doing.
(That wasn't an invitation, FYI. I'm already married to a grown man who knows what he's doing.)
And on that topic…
Tyler's Wife And Kristin Cavallari Have Different Tastes
I asked my wife if she would leave me for one of the Montana Boyz with a z. She said, "Not a chance in hell." I assume it's because I'm much more handsome.
Amber:
For those lost on the reference here, the Montana Boyz are a group of dudes who make cringey lip-syncing videos on TikTok. Kristin Cavallari is currently dating one of them, and he is 13 years younger than she is.
Last week, I fully defended Kristin's right to date a younger guy. What I won't defend, though, is the fact that a smoking-hot, successful woman of 37 years is somehow attracted to this douchebaggery.
The poor timing, the weird winking, the pointing hand movement they all do… If you need an argument for banning TikTok, look no further than the Montana Boyz.
I truly cannot tell if they are serious or if this is all an elaborate joke. But one thing is for certain, and that is that each and every one of these boys watches himself in the mirror during sex.
So, yeah, I'm 100% with Tyler's wife on this one.
One More Thing
Back to the subject of taking a potential date to meet your friends first… no one said your friends had to be human.
Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.
Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.