Stop Keeping Score In Your Marriage & My Thoughts On The Viral Dishwasher Divorce Lady

It's not a battle of the sexes — it's an all-out war.

If you've been on X anytime this week, you've likely been introduced to Paige Turner, a content creator who makes TikTok videos about marriage, motherhood and "the mental load." About a month ago, she posted a video explaining why she almost divorced her husband, and it's just recently gone viral on X.

Her rant is about five minutes long, so I'll summarize: Paige and her husband both work full-time jobs, yet she finds herself saddled with all the housework and childcare for their four kids. She told her husband it would be a huge help if he could empty the dishwasher and take the trash out when he woke up in the mornings, which he agreed to do and did do for a little while. But then he started forgetting, and she had to keep reminding him until finally she was so frustrated that they had to have a come-to-Jesus talk about sharing the workload around the house. Everything is good between them now.

Men in the comments were extremely triggered — calling Paige all sorts of names and declaring how miserable life must be for her poor husband to be married to such an insufferable nag.

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Women, on the other hand, were largely empathetic toward Paige, arguing that they themselves had also felt unappreciated by their husbands at times and were unfairly stuck with a disproportionate amount of the childcare and household chores.

There's validity to both sentiments.

So, being the fair and balanced Womansplainer that I am, I'm going to look at this issue from both sides, and instead of continuing to yell at each other through computer screens, we'll see if we can meet somewhere in the middle.

A Lot Of Women Relate To Paige Turner.

Of course, as this video made its rounds, people began to dig up more information on Paige and her family. We have learned that her husband is a lineman (not the football kind), a physically demanding and dangerous profession. Paige works from home. They both bring in six-figure incomes and (allegedly) have a nanny who cares for the kids during the work day.

So think what you want of Paige's personal situation. I'm going to look at the broader issue at hand.

The reality is that she simply vocalized what is a very common frustration among women — particularly among working mothers. If you're working the same eight hours a day as your husband, of course, it would be exhausting to also be shouldered with all the household and childcare duties once you clock out.

"Working from home" isn't as chill as you might think for moms.

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Well, Amber, that's why women should stay home with the kids instead of trying to be girl boss feminists!

I hear you. If your wife wants to be a stay-at-home mom, and you are able to make that arrangement work, that's wonderful. But in today's economy, supporting a family of six (or four or two, for that matter) on one income is simply not an option for a lot of people. Most people.

I'm not a mom, but many of my mom friends lament the fact that they are what they call the "default parent." This means that they manage the kids' schedules, make all their doctors' appointments, pack their lunches, get all the phone calls from school, and the list goes on. They are the ones their kids go to whenever they're hungry, thirsty or crying while Dad gets to relax on the couch. Moms are often the full-time project managers of the family without a second to themselves.

RELATED: A Dad's Guide To Winning Mother's Day

I feel this way about our dog.

And before you run to my email inbox with pitchforks and torches, let me clarify: I am well aware that a dog is not a human child and that being a dog owner is not the same as being a parent. This is simply an example from my own experience.

I am the "default pet parent" in our house. My husband has no earthly idea when our German Shepherd, Rocky, is due for his yearly vaccinations, when to administer his flea/tick/heartworm prevention or even where to find them. He doesn't know what kind of food Rocky eats, and his name has never been on the Chewy auto-ship account or on the vet bill. The same was true with our last dog — my husband is clueless in that regard.

But I have the self-awareness to acknowledge that I'm clueless in some ways, too. 

I couldn't tell you the last time our home's air filters were changed or when they're due to be changed again. I've never thought about how or when the yard will get mowed or the bushes will get trimmed. My car's maintenance schedule? None of my business. And I've never once had to touch the tool bench in the garage. If something in the house breaks, I tell my husband about it, and it magically gets fixed.

So Men Have A Point, Too.

A lot of men feel like no matter how much they do, it’s never enough. They take out the trash, mow the lawn, fix the broken whatever in the house, and still get hit with, "Why can’t you just remember to empty the dishwasher?"

For a lot of men, this doesn’t feel like a fair fight. They see their contributions as just as important as their wives', but because those contributions often happen outside the house (or in ways that aren’t immediately visible), they don’t get as much credit. The dirty floor needs to be vacuumed? That’s an obvious problem. But remembering to check the water heater or change the oil in the car before it explodes? That’s behind-the-scenes work.

And then there’s the other issue: men and women tend to have different tolerances for mess and organization. 

What looks like a complete disaster to me might look just fine to my husband. For him, if the dishes pile up a little, it's no big deal — it’ll get done eventually. But to a woman who already feels like she’s carrying too much, that "eventually" feels like an insult. It feels like you're purposely putting it off because you know she'll do it instead.

So, yeah, a lot of guys are frustrated because they feel like they’re putting in effort, but instead of getting a "thank you," they’re getting a reminder of the things they didn't do.

But those thank yous go both ways.

Just Show Some F*cking Gratitude!

I'm speaking to both men and women here.

When is the last time you said thank you to your spouse for something he or she does all the time? Not for something big and noticeable — like planning a vacation or buying you an expensive Christmas present — but for the everyday, unsexy tasks that keep your household running.

When’s the last time you thanked your wife for keeping the fridge stocked? Or for switching out the hand towels in the bathroom so that you’re not drying your hands in mildew?

Or, ladies, when was the last time you told your husband how much you appreciate the fact that the trash just mysteriously disappears without you ever having to think about it? Or that the grass never grows high enough to get a letter from the HOA?

I'm generalizing here, but you get it.

You, every Thursday, giving your wife the beautiful lawn she deserves.

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The other day, my husband woke up from a nap to find me on all fours, scrubbing the baseboards in the living room. He immediately said, "Thank you for doing that." Then, without me asking, he grabbed a rag and spent 10 minutes dusting the blinds. 

That’s it. That’s the secret. A little acknowledgment, a little reciprocation, and suddenly it doesn’t feel like you’re the only one doing everything.

And the science backs this up. Studies show that couples who regularly express gratitude for each other experience greater relationship satisfaction, are more likely to reciprocate kind acts and even have better sex lives. Gratitude literally strengthens emotional bonds — it releases oxytocin, the "love hormone," which helps deepen connection. 

So yes, telling your wife "thank you for making dinner" or telling your husband "I appreciate you unclogging that drain in the guest bathroom" could very well make your marriage happier and hotter.

She's probably getting ready to thank him for doing the dishes.

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When gratitude and communication aren’t happening, though, resentment takes their place. And that's where Paige Turner comes in.

Unspoken frustration doesn’t just sit there quietly. It festers. It turns into side-eyes, passive-aggressive sighs, and eventually, full-blown meltdowns over a sink full of dirty dishes that aren’t actually about the dishes at all. And when you let that resentment build without ever addressing it, you end up where Paige did — venting to the internet instead of communicating with the person you married.

Look, I don’t doubt for a second that Paige felt invisible or under-appreciated in her marriage — especially after her husband said he would empty the dishwasher and then didn't do it. But maybe her husband felt under-appreciated, too. She didn’t feel "seen" — but was she seeing him?

That’s the problem with keeping score in a relationship. You get so focused on what you’re doing that you stop noticing what your spouse is doing, too.

It's not a competition. It's a partnership.

You're not bowling. Quit keeping score.

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Dragging your husband online is not productive. Neither is calling every overwhelmed working mom a "nag" just because she voiced her frustration. If you want a better marriage, start with two simple things — talk to each other and say thank you. 

With all due respect to Pat Benatar, love doesn't have to be a battlefield. And marriage shouldn't be a war.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.