Womansplaining Mailbag: Sleep Schedules, Wearing Jeans On Dates, Douchey 'Masculinity Coaches' & Chore Lists

I don't know about you guys, but I am thoroughly enjoying False Fall. My husband and I are already mapping out our cool-weather hiking trips, tailgates and apple-picking dates!

OK, I'm kidding about the apple picking. Although you're a dirty rotten liar if you say you don't enjoy some deliciously fresh apple cider on a crisp autumn day.

That does get me thinking, though: Fall is truly the season of the "Basic B*tch." From the North Face jackets and UGG Boots of old to the Lululemon leggings and pumpkin spice lattes of today, trend-loving women THRIVE in the cooler temperatures.

So next week, in honor of Fall, let's have some fun. Guys, I want to hear some of the things YOU think make a woman "basic" — in other words, unoriginal, predictable and mainstream. This could be anything from Stanley Cups to clothing trends to "live, love, laugh" signs in their living room. Email me your list at Amber.Harding@outkick.com.

And, fellas, you aren't off the hook. Because I'm going to ask the ladies how to spot a "basic dude," too. I love a good old-fashioned battle of the sexes!

Speaking of emails, though, I think we're due for another mailbag. There's a hodgepodge of notes and links to trending videos sitting in my inbox, just waiting to be Womansplained.

So without further ado, let's get to it.

Should Couples Go To Bed At The Same Time?

It was brought to my attention last week that I might be a weirdo. (I know, I was as shocked as you are.)

I casually mentioned to my girlfriend Lexi that, over the past several months, my husband and I have started to go to bed earlier because his work schedule now requires him to be awake earlier. She looked at me, perplexed.

"OK but why does HIS work schedule require YOU to go to sleep earlier?" Lexi asked.

"Well, I guess I'm not required by law," I answered, a little taken aback by her tone. "But we always go to bed together."

And that's when I found out that, apparently, Mike and I are in the minority. In fact, according to research, a whopping 75% of couples don't go to bed at the same time. I guess this shouldn't surprise me, given that many couples don't even sleep in the same room these days.

READ: Cameron Diaz Is All For 'Sleep Divorce' And More Than One-Third Of Americans Agree

And then there's this TikToker, who sleeps in the same room as her husband — but in bunk beds!

"This is peak marriage," she said, "millennial style."

Respectfully, this millennial disagrees.

I think there's a lot to be said about the intimacy of sharing a bed and a sleep schedule. When possible, of course. Some couples have opposite routines or maybe work overnights, making it impossible to sync bedtimes. I get that.

But why would I stay up watching TV or scrolling my phone alone when I can, instead, go to bed with my husband, have some "adult time" and then fall asleep as the cozy little spoon that I am?

And I already know there's some crotchety old man reading this, saying, "Oh, just wait a few years!"

But maybe THAT is the problem. 

 

(Getty Images)

Research by the Gottman Institute shows that many marriages end due to a loss of intimacy and connection about 10 to 12 years into the relationship. But a "silent drift apart" typically begins much earlier. One person starts to feel unhappy with the lack of closeness in the relationship — less connection, less intimacy, less conversation, less time spent together, less attention, the list goes on.

Researchers pointed to a common culprit: about three-and-half years into a relationship, couples also tend to stop going to bed at the same time.

Imagine that!

Dr. Jeffry Larson wrote: "Couples whose wake and sleep patterns were mismatched (e.g., an evening person married to a morning person) reported significantly less marital adjustment, more marital conflict, less time spent in serious conversation, less time spent in shared activities and less frequent sexual intercourse than matched couples."

Oh, but the benefits of going to bed together don't stop there. Researchers also found that matched sleep schedules help female partners view daytime interactions more positively the next day. That sort of "togetherness" gives her rose-colored glasses, so to speak. And for men, simply getting a good night's sleep puts you in a better mood, and that benefits everyone involved.

OK, this is getting to science-y for a mailbag. But the point is: If you feel your relationship drifting, try matching your wife or girlfriend's sleep schedule. She'll be happier, and you'll have more sex — which will make you happier, too.

Should Women Wear Jeans On Dates?

My friend Kelly sent me this video for a laugh, and as soon as I saw the title, I knew I was in for a douche parade: Stirling Cooper Reveals Seduction & Masculinity Secrets.

I've already made pretty clear how I feel about these so-called "masculinity" experts, but if a man tells you he's a "seduction coach," you can just go ahead and assume he's the sort of dude who inspires women to cover their drinks when he walks by.

READ: Everything I Learned From A Pickup Artist — And Why It's Terrible Advice

Anyway, this particular douche is a former porn actor turned sex coach, and he has some thoughts on what women should and shouldn't wear on dates. 

"I hate when women wear jeans on a date. It’s like the least feminine thing I can think of," he said. "I would say before we meet up, ‘Don’t wear jeans.' If you wear jeans, I’m going home. Pretty clear."

If ol' boy could gaze at a baddie wearing painted-on skinny jeans and heels and truly believe she didn't look attractive or feminine, then it might be time to consider the possibility that he doesn't actually like women as much as he pretends to like women.

Kinda like this guy… (the guy talking in the video, not Ian Miles Cheong).

OK, one more piece of advice from our pal Stirling before we move on. Just for fun.

"I will stop a woman from drinking if I think she’s had too much to drink," Stirling said. "She’s had one drink. Two drinks. She’s having way too much, and then she goes to order another one. I will tell her. I will stop the waiter and be like, 'No you’re not getting her a drink, get her a water instead.'"

The guy has control issues, clearly, but I'll concede that a woman (or a man) getting sh*tfaced drunk on a dinner date is a bad look. But then he lost me completely.

"It’s kind of like a dad disciplining his daughter, in a way."

And, BARF.

I've commented before that (one) of the reasons pornography is disturbing is because violence against women and incest are two of the most common themes throughout the genre. And I don't need to see this sicko's browser history to know it's full of "daddy-stepdaughter" searches.

Not everyone needs to have a microphone.

The Football Dates Are Getting Expensive For Anthony C.

LAST WEEK'S COLUMN: Men, Here's How To Make Sure Your Relationship Survives Football Season

I am reading the article about getting by for football season. Great suggestions. I have a wife that enjoys "Sunday Funday" as much as any other woman. So she comes with me to the bar. I try my hardest to make it start at the late games (4 pm start). But there are times we get there at 12:30. 

We drink the same drinks. (Vodka/Sugar free mixer/splash of water). This is not about football now, this is about MONEY! Make a long story short, you are there for the better part of 7 hours eating lunch/dinner and between the 2 of us 14 drinks. (I live in a place where you take a golf cart around so no "real" driving). 

That adds up to a $150+ day and that's just SUNDAY. By the end of the month I am spending a minimum of $600 bucks on booze and fun. I can probably have 2 brand new Denali payments if you add in Thursday/Friday/Saturday. 

So in conclusion, I wish I could just stay home... Vodka is cheaper, and I can make something to eat. LOL My wife is ALL IN!

Amber:

First of all, Mrs. C sounds awesome. Second, this is why I don't complain about the price of "NFL Sunday Ticket." Once you consider how much it would cost you to watch the games at a bar all day on Sunday (in THIS economy), the subscription really pays for itself after a couple of weeks.

My husband and I compromise by turning my favorite team's prime-time games into special occasions. I work on Sunday afternoons, anyway, so if the Dolphins play on Sunday, Monday or Thursday night, Mike takes me out for beers and wings.

I'd be happy to do the same for him during Chicago Bears' prime-time games, but he tells me "there's no point in spending money to feel sad."

Christian On Fall Candles

Last week, I suggested that if you want to get your wife out of the house on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon during football, suggest that she goes shopping — for some more fall candles, maybe.

Christian writes:

Amber:

I'm aware that men don't keep inventory of their fall candles, Christian, but women never get tired of roaming the aisles of TJ Maxx sniffing fall candles. This I promise you.

And I coudn't agree more that men should be doing the loving and thoughtful things I outlined in my previous column. But sometimes y'all need a little nudging.

James C. Doesn't Need No Stinking List!

I've seen this tweet circling around and lots of ladies didn't take kindly to it. I asked my wife what she thought about it, even though I already knew what she was going to say LOL! Apparently, I don't need a list because "my eyeballs work just fine."

What say you, Womansplainer?

Amber:

You know, I always wonder how men like this Tyler Todt fella functioned before they got married.

You don't have to be a mind reader to see a sink full of dirty dishes, an overflowing laundry hamper, a kid with a poopy diaper or a floor that needs vacuuming. Just take care of it without her having to ask you. This isn't you "helping" her, this is just you actively participating in the household where you also live.

Men want to be "leaders," right? Leaders don't ask for lists to tell them what needs to be done.

Gen X Warren Has An Expensive Action Figure Hobby

READ: Here Are The Hobbies Women Actually Find Attractive (And Why They Usually Hate Video Games)

I just got caught up on your Womansplaining article about the least attractive hobbies men have, and I was all high and mighty about video games. ("I don’t do game! Ha! Look at my awesomeness!") …until I realized a close second was, ‘Collecting Figurines.' 

Ummmm… let’s just say my wife doesn’t appreciate my recent buying spree of Marvel’s Iron Man figures for my new bookshelf. And further down the list is comic book collection. I also don’t think my wife appreciates I own two bicycles: a triathlon bike and a road bike. 

I do try to spoil my wife as much as possible, so if I show up with a new Iron Man figurine or a third bike, she won’t throw me out of the house.

Amber:

Spoiling your wife will get you out of a lot of doghouses, Gen X Warren.

Also, it's funny you mention the cycling thing. There's a trend on TikTok right now where people post a fact that the average person spends around $225 a year on their hobby. Then, they show a picture of themselves participating in a hobby that is much more expensive than $225.

Cycling is a popular one.

Daniel D., In Defense Of Gambling

I read your article regarding "least attractive hobbies for men according to women," and I see "gambling" on the list, so I'm going to try to defend gambling, which is one of my hobbies. 

First, I'm not talking about the gambling an addict participates in. Betting on grocery or rent money is obviously wrong, and in some ways a form of mental illness.

I'm talking about gambling as a hobby. Where the money you spend on it is spare money set aside for recreation. "Casino Player" magazine noted that gaming enthusiasts were of above average income and wealth, and if you're a good player, probably of above average intelligence as well. Most likely you are successful in life to have the spare money to gamble with. All hopefully attractive traits to women.

One final thing is I am Chinese-American. I know it is a stereotype that Chinese like to gamble, but gambling is not a social stigma in our culture. Concepts of good luck, good fortune, and risk-taking are part of the culture. (Again, it is a stigma if you are an addict.)

Amber:

Because I work in the world of sports, it seems like everyone I know at least dabbles in sports betting. So, I guess, for me, gambling doesn't have the stigma that it does for some people. But when many women think of gambling or sports betting, they picture the stereotypical degenerate who's rolling the dice on their kids' college fund.

My husband is into shooting. Between the ammo, the gear, the gun parts he's constantly buying/selling/swapping out, it gets pretty expensive. But it's never bothered me because he's tremendously responsible with money. I never have to worry about him doing something stupid that will jeopardize our financial stability.

So I think the same could be said about any hobby — shooting, sports betting, video gaming, cycling, whatever. If it's not consuming your whole life, and you're not sacrificing the roof over your family's head, it's OK to enjoy things.

One More Thing: A Universal Experience In Marriage

Every wife has been tormented by the tiny, unidentifiable screws/nails/piece of plastic sitting on the kitchen counter for weeks. And like clockwork, as soon as she finally throws it away, her husband suddenly needs this item more than he's ever needed anything before.

Someone please mansplain this to me.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.