Are You Way Too Comfortable In Your Relationship? Here Are The Tell-Tale Signs
Did you know marriage makes you fat? And by "you" I mean men.
Hey, don't get mad at me — it's science! According to a study published in the Economics & Human Biology journal in April, men are more likely than women to gain weight after marriage.
Researchers analyzed nationwide health data spanning from 1989 to 2015 and found that marriage is associated with a 5.2 percent increase in the prevalence of becoming overweight for men and a 2.5 percent rise in obesity. The experts noted that guys tend to pack on the pounds, specifically within the first five years after getting married.
Meanwhile, there is no evidence of the same trend in females.
"After tying the knot, men often exercise less and eat more, and this leads to a higher BMI," said Dr. Shiwen Quan, one of the lead researchers in the study. "Men are facing a significant risk of obesity as they age, so after marriage, it’s important that they don’t ‘let themselves go’ by maintaining healthy eating habits and exercising regularly."
So there you go, fellas. You're not gaining weight because your wife is cooking you delicious food. You're gaining weight because you're all lazy bums!
Relax, I'm Kidding.
But not about the research. That was real.
The only caveat is that this particular study was conducted in China. And I'm no scientist, but I'd be willing to bet that in the Western world — in the land of milk and honey and supersized value meals — women are just as guilty of putting on that "happy weight" after marriage as men are.
And a quick trip to the American Psychological Association website confirms my suspicions. A 2013 study showed a direct correlation between weight and marital satisfaction. In layman's terms, happy couples got fat, and unhappy couples stayed svelte.
"These findings challenge the idea that quality relationships always benefit health, suggesting instead that spouses in satisfying relationships relax their efforts to maintain their weight because they are no longer motivated to attract a mate," researchers wrote.
And when you think about it, that actually makes perfect sense.
‘Fat & Happy' Is A Real Thing
And let me nip something in the bud really quick. When we talk about weight gain, we're not referring to the fluctuations that women naturally experience as a result of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing.
Back when I was in grad school, I overheard one of my classmates saying he was "grossed out" by his "humongous" eight-months-pregnant wife. He couldn't wait for her to "hurry up and have the baby so she'll be hot again."
I had never even met his wife, but I can't even describe to you the rage I felt on her behalf at that moment. Here she was, putting her body through intense physical, hormonal and emotional stress to bring a new life into the world — only for her squirrel-brained husband to tell everyone she's "gross" and "humongous."
So no, I'm not talking about that.
In fact, I'm not really talking about weight at all. Because the tendency for couples to fatten up after marriage is just one manifestation of a much larger problem: Some people are way too comfortable in their relationships.
Being comfortable with your partner is a good thing. Being so comfortable that you become complacent is not.
Don't Get Caught Slipping!
Whether it be in a marriage or just a long-term romantic relationship, it's easy to see how this happens.
I got the girl — I won! I don't have to try anymore!
Except you do. Because once you stop doing the things that made your partner fall in love with you in the first place, you're headed down an ill-fated road. Dissatisfaction creeps in, sex starts happening less and less frequently, and before you know it, you're basically just roommates.
Last week, I asked y'all to send me examples of this from your own (past and present) relationships. And since most OutKick readers are male, I polled several women for their perspective as well.
So — according to my very scientific research — here are the tell-tale signs you might be getting too comfortable in your relationship:
1. You stop caring about your physical appearance.
This was the most popular answer among men and women. A few ladies complained that their spouses stopped shaving or showering regularly. One husband griped that his wife started wearing pajamas out in public instead of regular clothes. And, of course, there's that "happy weight" thing.
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One anonymous husband (let's call him Marcus) told me his wife gained 40 pounds in the first two years. He said he feels helpless because he's worried about her health, but it's hard to address the issue without hurting her feelings or "just feeling like an asshole for pointing it out." So I asked Marcus if he, himself, eats healthy food and exercises.
"Not really," he said. "But I haven't gained weight, either."
And not to throw Marcus under the bus, but that's a problem. There has to be accountability on both sides. We cannot ask our partners to do what we are not willing to do ourselves. Besides, taking care of your health is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your spouse and family. You'll feel better, you'll save money on medical bills, and you'll live longer — looking good is just an added bonus. So don't be lazy.
Now, I'll try not to twist my ankle as I hop off this soapbox.
2. You act more like roommates or co-workers than lovers.
You see each other coming and going, you plan food and errands… but do you ever actually talk?
Rachel says: I was scrolling through my text thread with my husband, looking for an address he had sent me. Then it hit me that our entire conversation was just logistics. Who's picking up the kids, what time and where? What's for dinner? When will you be off work? The more I thought about it, the more I realized our in-person conversations weren't much different.
Another reader told me he and his girlfriend often find themselves sitting next to each other on the couch — both staring at their phones instead of paying attention to each other.
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3. You take each other for granted.
In my Mother's Day survey last month, many moms expressed that they often don't feel appreciated for everything they do for the household — things like cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and scheduling everyone's appointments.
But it goes both ways.
Anonymous writes: Coffee shop in town makes a vanilla iced latte that my wife loves. I can't understand how it's different than Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, but what do I know… happy wife. Whenever I was on that side of town, I started grabbing one for her as a surprise. Now, she expects it. Just grabs it from me, never a thanks or a how do ya do. But I bet I'd sure be in trouble if I forgot one day.
Turns out, a little "thank you" goes a long way.
4. You're a little too open with your bodily functions.
I'm entirely secure with my husband. I believe openness, honesty and genuineness are all important for intimacy. But there is one thing that will never, EVER happen in our house: pooping with the door open.
And apparently, I'm not alone on this one. Because several of you said that being willy-nilly with bodily functions is a sure sign you're too comfortable in your relationship.
Daniel writes: No humor offends me, but flatulence and belching/burping for laughs should not be part of courtship! This has become something that females have embraced, too.
Many years ago, I had to have a married friend explain to me what "Dutch oven" was. I couldn't really conceive of someone subjecting another human to a smellatorium! I understand it's a natural thing, but go somewhere away, far away, from the breathing public. Bodily functions should be something to restrain, not broadcast.
Boring Norm writes: About two or three years into the marriage, the ex starts using the bathroom with the door open, changing tampons with me in the room, flossing in bed and doing things like lighting her farts. I should have known it was over, but I hung on for three more years.
She was a neurotic psych-major liberal, but what can I say? The sex was good, and I was into blue-eyed blondes at the time.
Norm, I am sorry for your bad experience, but the "lighting her farts" part made me LOL. It also reminded me of that scene from the South Park movie.
But I digress. Back to our list…
5. You stop dating each other.
When you first met, you did everything you could to impress her. So why stop now?
Paul writes: While I was going thru military flight training nearly 40 years ago, I lived in a house with three other guys. I met my wife there and married shortly thereafter. Pete, one of the roomies, came to visit a couple of years ago and noted, "Wow, you still hold the door for her and all that stuff like when y’all were dating!"
I’ve "dated" the love of my life now for 40 years, while Pete’s been divorced twice.
Daniel writes: If you are respectful, kind, funny, conversational, good hygiene, chivalrous... That is your standard, own it!
She'll probably be attracted to at least one of these, but be consistent with all the attributes you projected. Keep high standards! It's like putting money in the bank — it creates INTEREST, dummy! Also an investment in your future emotional well-being.
Honestly, Daniel really nails it right there. Keep high standards. And that applies to most everything on this list.
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So if you find yourself guilty of any of the above offenses, don't beat yourself up over it. Because hey, it happens to the best of us. We could all do better.
Just think of your relationship like a house. You can build a home on the strongest foundation with the highest quality materials. But that home will still require consistent, routine maintenance over the months and years. Otherwise, don't be surprised when the whole thing starts falling down around you.
Let's open the mailbag.
Anthony C. Says Dating Is Not So Easy
Last week, I talked about what women really want on a date. I also told the story of how my husband was on dating apps for only two weeks before he met me. And the rest is history.
Anthony writes:
I think you have over simplified dating. You made it sound WAY too easy. If you found the perfect match the 1st time sure but you and I know that doesn't happen. Someone reading that is gonna be like "Oh let me go on Tinder and find my husband/wife." Only to end up with some ex con with a foot fetish. LMAO.
As for guys making plans... Ummm that works if the woman is not a control freak. I remember making plans with my future wife and about halfway to the restaurant/movies/anywhere I would get, "Hey let's skip that and go here, what do you think?" Me being very amenable would be like "sure." So my plan would be out the window.
So now all these years later, Ro makes ALL the plans. I just pay the bill. LOL. I guess it can work that way also.
In conclusion, I am glad I am not dating now. If I was, I would be yelling at my "date" to get off the phone. Just like I yell at people driving. (At least I am not yelling to get off my lawn... yet!)
Amber:
Hey, I definitely did not find the perfect match the first time! I met a lot of frogs (some really awful frogs, too) before I found my "prince," as they say.
And sure, you might find the occasional control freak woman who insists on always making the plans… but I bet even she appreciates the fact that you tried!
Rick S. Cracked The Packing Code
READ: Vacation Planning: What To Do? How Much To Pack? Sometimes Men And Women Just Do It Differently
Amber, after 37 years of marriage and dozens of trips to the Caribbean and abroad, I have finally convinced my lovely wife that you don't have to pack for a long weekend trip like you're off on a 2-month safari to the sub-continent of Africa!
She also still waits to the last minute to pack, which I admit still drives me bat shit crazy. But she has realized something that I learned a long time ago: Once you've picked out your clothes and are ready to pack, put half of them back and take twice as much money. You will have a better time, and your husband won't look like a Sherpa trekking up Everest!
Happy Ending
Congrats to swimmer Lilly King — who qualified for the Paris Olympics and then immediately got engaged!
Wishing Lilly and her new fiancé James Wells a lifetime of love, happiness and NOT pooping with the door open.
Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays.
Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.