Men, Here's How To Make Sure Your Relationship Survives Football Season
As I sit down to start my research for this column, I begin with a simple Google search: "relationships surviving football season."
The idea, of course, is to provide a set of guidelines for you — my mostly male, mostly football-loving audience — on how to bask fully in the majesty of the season without neglecting your relationships and your responsibility to the women in your lives.
Guys, the first (and I mean the VERY FIRST) result that pops up on Google is an article from a marriage counseling service in Knoxville, Tenn., explaining how to support your partner through the emotional turmoil that football season inevitably brings.
Knoxville is, of course, home of the Tennessee Volunteers.
And as a long-suffering UT alumna who is still dealing with the trauma of the Kiffin-Dooley era during my own time at the university (If you know, you know), I can't help but laugh hysterically at this search result. Maybe I laugh because I'm trying not to cry.
But one thing is for certain: Football has broken my heart infinitely more times than any man ever could. And I'm ready to be hurt again.
Football Season Is Upon Us, Fellas
College has already started, and NFL kicks off tonight. Not that I'm telling you anything you don't know. Heck, you've already laid out your plans for Sunday — whether that means gluing yourself to the couch with multiple screens and RedZone blasting in your living room or meeting up with your buddies for wings and beers at your favorite local watering hole.
But for you non-single dudes, quick question: Where does your wife or girlfriend fit into these plans?
We've all seen that viral TikTok (and the dozens inspired by it), where the guy submits to his wife a "two-week notice" to inform her that he will henceforth be unavailable as a husband and a father on Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays from now until 2025.
Look, I can appreciate a joke as much as the next guy. But, if we're being honest, this isn't entirely a joke. For a whole lot of couples, this is pretty close to reality.
You know, when I did that Google search, there were hundreds of articles about how WOMEN can cope with men's negligence in a relationship during football season. But not a single one spoke to how MEN can prevent (or at least mitigate) the issue in the first place.
So that's where I come in. As your Womansplainer, it's my job to keep you (lovable) fools in line and to make sure you don't end up like this.
How To Make Her Happy During Football Season
Look, I get it. I love plastering my ass to the couch, staring at my TV and monitoring scores and stats for hours on end as much as you do.
So I'm not here to tell you NOT to do that.
But I am here to tell you HOW to do that in a way that doesn't make your wife feel as if — given the opportunity — you'd trade her for Josh Allen and a third round pick.
And you already know I consulted my focus group, full of women of all ages and interests, to get their take on what works for them in their relationships.
But Amber, my wife/girlfriend is awesome, and she loves football, too!
I love that for you. But for the rest of you, huddle up.
Tip #1: Include her.
If your wife or girlfriend is even mildly a football fan, this is the easiest solution. This is how you let her know that you do not, in fact, want to ignore her for six months. Rather, you want her to join you on the journey.
Alexis W. writes: Honestly he brings my favorite snackies, and I sit and half watch/half read my book. Sometimes if I just happen to be lying with my feet on him, I’ll get a foot rub.
The more I started to "half watch," the more I was able to enjoy watching or found myself watching more than I was reading. Not that I watch every game or want to do so every weekend, BUT here and there!
Snackies and foot rubs are great. Here are a couple of other things you can do:
Buy her some merch.
Let's be real: Women love little surprises.
And when I say "buy her merch," I'm not talking about some bulls*t ugly, stiff unisex Gildan T-shirt from the seasonal section at the grocery store. I mean you should buy her something cute and flattering that she will want to wear.
Here are a few retailers who do women's sports clothing well:
This is not an ad, but if fellow FOX employee Erin Andrews wanted to send me some Miami Dolphins gear, I wouldn't say no.
I digress. Anyway, buy your special lady something nice in the team colors, wrap that sucker up, leave it on the counter for her with some flowers and a cute note, and BOOM — more brownie points than you even knew were possible, my friend.
While all of her friends are griping about their husbands ignoring them at the start of football season, she's going to brag about how thoughtful hers is.
Speaking of her friends, though…
Invite the wives.
The best way to make sure the women feel included is to include them.
A fun fact about us females is that we don't always want to join, but we always want to know that you WANT us there.
So if you're going to have the boys over to watch the games on Sunday, make sure their wives and girlfriends are invited every once in a while, too. Same if you're going to the bar. They may take you up on the offer, and they may not. But they can't say you didn't ask!
This very realistic stock photo illustrates how much fun everyone will have watching the games together.
(Getty Images)
Look, I know at least a few of you are screaming at me right now.
Fooball is my time with my boys! I don't want to worry about my nagging wife and her friends on game day! It's time to smash beers, build parlays and let dudes be dudes!
You're talking, and all I see is this:
("The Little Rascals," obviously.)
So, listen, unless you want to revert to your snot-nosed childhood days, when you hung a "no girls allowed" sign on the front of your treehouse (and you weren't having any sex), grow up. Or stay single.
That said…
Tip #2: Encourage her to take advantage of girl time.
Some smooth-brain commented on one of the above TikTok posts, saying "No football, no Love Island!"
And he really thought he had something there. Except that that dumb reality show is on TV for one hour a week, and football is on TV for 40+ hours a week. Not exactly a fair comparison.
But if your wife does love to dabble in frivolous female activities (and I'm saying this in solidarity as someone who also very much loves to do that), there are some ways you can leverage that to your advantage.
I've written some lines for you to try:
- Babe, you and your sister/friend should have brunch at that new spot on Saturday and let me know how it is. Maybe a future date spot!
- Oh no, we're running low on fall candles! Maybe you could run to TJ Maxx for us today?
- I'm watching the Packers with John on Sunday afternoon. I know you're not really a fan, so maybe you could have a girls' day? Here, take my credit card.
OK OK, I'm (sort of) kidding. But believe it or not, we womenfolk actually enjoy our uninterrupted "me" time as well.
Cassie Y. writes: I do my own self-care while he watches football, or work on a hobby, go out with friends. Maybe a breakfast date on the days he’ll be spending watching football.
Abbie O. writes: I read, crochet, run, or take a nap while my husband is watching football. So I guess basically that’s my time for my hobbies/resting.
Susanna S. adds: I do my own thing, I read my Kindle, catch up on my shows, run errands/go to HomeGoods. On Sundays with 3 games, he’ll usually watch the last one upstairs with me, and I’ll read or play on my phone.
All of that sounds great. But if you have young kids, it may not be that simple for both you and your wife to just do your own thing.
Tip #3: Get the kids involved.
I don't have kids, and I don't give parenting advice. But when I shared the "two-week notice" video with a group of married women, there was one common complaint.
Debra T. writes: I don't care that my husband is a diehard football fan. I like sports, too. The problem is when he thinks football gives him a free pass to be a childless bachelor again, and I'm suddenly a single mom every Saturday and Sunday in the fall.
Oof.
Again, I don't give parenting advice. But if you are a parent and football has your undivided attention four days a week, you might want to consider who's tending to the kids' every need during that time — and if that person needs a break, too.
So start 'em young as football fans! Obviously, you can't force your children to love sports. But it certainly helps if they do.
When I was growing up, dating as far back as I can remember, I watched the Dolphins with my dad every Sunday. That was before we had "Sunday Ticket," and, living in Indianapolis, the Dolphins were rarely on local TV. So my father packed me up at noon every Sunday and took me to Buffalo Wild Wings (back when it was called BW3's), and we watched the game together.
I'd sit there in my tiny Dan Marino jersey and a Dolphins hair bow almost as big as my head, and I'd cheer my little heart out while my dad explained to me everything that was happening on the field.
And my mom stayed home with her four hours of uninterrupted relaxation time.
It was a win-win-win for everyone.
Well, maybe not for the Dolphins. They did a lot of lose-lose-losing. But hey, these are the core childhood experiences that prepared me for 24 straight years without a postseason win.
Tip #4: Plan a date night.
This one's pretty self-explanatory. Fellas, there are very few doghouses that planning a nice date night won't get you out of.
Amy H. writes: We always do dinner together before football. No phones!
Tania S. writes: I lose my boyfriend to mistress football four nights a week. So the way I see it, he owes me at least one night to do whatever I want with me.
So pro tip: Pick a weekly Tuesday or Wednesday — unless you're, like, REALLY into MACtion, I guess — and make that your "keep wife happy" night. Take her to dinner or happy hour, cook her a nice meal at home, dedicate yourself to binging a trash TV show she loves, whatever …and just try to stay off the DraftKings app for the duration.
In fact, a lot of restaurants and bars run great specials in the middle of the week since business is usually slower on those days. So you can save some dollars on those non-football date nights, too.
In the same way that you look forward to tailgating or slamming beers with the boys on game day, try to show the love of your life that same enthusiasm for the time you spend with her.
Tip #5: Just don't ignore her, FFS.
Tomi Lahren told a story on The Will Cain Show last week about a family she observed while out at a restaurant. The family consisted of a mom, a dad, two young kids and a set of grandparents.
"And the husband had his phone, and he was watching some sporting event on his phone while the rest of his family was eating dinner," Tomi said. "And his wife's got two young kids …She's dealing with the two kids. They're screaming, they're throwing things, disrupting everybody in the restaurant, and he is glued to his little phone on the table, watching a game.
"And I thought, ‘She must be a saint.’ Because that phone would be in a million pieces if I were that woman."
Remember a couple of weeks ago when I talked about why women tend to hate video games? It's not the video games themselves. It's the fact that, too often, men become so enamored with spending hours and hours in front of a screen that they slack off on their responsibilities to their wives, the kids and the household.
I'm not going to lie to you and say I've never watched a game on my phone at a restaurant. But I'm with Tomi on this one: Read the room, bro.
The bottom line is that women expect their partners to be partners — even during football season.
Take my advice or leave it. But if you're out here bragging about giving your wife a two-week notice to announce that you plan to neglect her for the next several months, I don't want to hear you complain when she neglects you, too.
And you know exactly what I mean.
Weigh In: Is The Commissioner The Most Datable Man?
A TikToker named Conor has a theory that the commissioner of your fantasy football league is most likely the best and most datable man in the group.
Here's why:
- They are good communicators.
- They are good planners.
- They have a calm demeanor and an even temper.
- They are financially responsible.
I'll let Conor explain in more detail. Then email me and tell me if this hypothesis is spot-on or hogwash.
FYI, the commissioner of the OutKick Writers Fantasy Football League is Alejandro Avila. So single ladies, go holler.
Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays — usually.
Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.