The 'Orgasm Gap' Is A Problem, But It's A Fun One To Solve

Back in 2010, a guy named Tim Ferriss wrote a book called The 4-Hour Body — billed as "An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman."

Those are big promises, Tim.

I listened to the audiobook a few years ago. But before I dove in, I already had my preconceptions about Ferriss. This guy was an East Asian studies major in college who went on to work in sales for a data storage company. Then, one day, he woke up and decided he was going to be a self-help guru and an all-around expert on life.

Of course, this is coming from someone who majored in sports journalism and is now writing columns about sex and relationships, so maybe Tim and I are pot and kettle.

Anyway, The 4-Hour Body is Ferriss' manual on how to eat and exercise in order to accomplish the strong, lean and chiseled physique of your dreams. On a long road trip up I-65, I listened with amusement as he promised his methods would make me "Thinner! Bigger! Faster! Stronger!" 

But then we get to the best chapter of them all: how to give a woman a mind-blowing orgasm in just 15 minutes. He actually enlisted the help of experts to come up with this one, including a porn star named Nina Hartley. I turned up the volume. This has to be good.

So buckle up, boys — I'm about to give you Timmy's secret…

The Magical Guide To Female Orgasms: First, you have the woman lie down on her back. All she has to do is relax. Then, you do nothing but stroke the most sensitive part of her clitoris (that's at 1 o'clock, fun fact) as lightly as possible for 15 minutes.

That's it. That's all. And guys, Tim was so serious.

Picture me — driving down the road and absolutely snorting laughing at this point.

This nerd found the "man in the boat" for the first time (at 33 years old), and he wrote a whole book about it like it was some revolutionary scientific breakthrough.

The Orgasm Gap

There's been a lot of talk in the last couple of days (thanks to the WNBA Draft) about the wage gap between men and women. But there's a more pressing injustice that feels taboo to discuss in mixed company: the orgasm gap.

Yes, it's a real thing, and it's been documented in scientific literature for decades.

In one 2017 study of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasm when they are sexually intimate, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same. And judging by my own past experiences (NOT with my husband — we're good on that front) and conversations I've had with female friends, I'm surprised the number is that high.

In fact, I have a 35-year-old friend who tells me a man has never — not ONCE — gotten her to climax in her whole life. She's always had to do it herself.

Of course, a lot of that has to do with anatomy. It's simply a lot easier for men to orgasm through sex alone. Since women's hardware is on the outside, it requires some extra effort to make us happy (as our friend Tim learned through his scientific research).

But there's also a mental component. 

Get Your Head Right (No Pun Intended)

In a 2010 NYU study of more than 12,000 women, only 10% of the women said they orgasm during first-time hookups, while 68% said they orgasm during sex that occurs in a committed relationship.

In a committed relationship, she's comfortable and relaxed. In a first-time hookup, she's tense, insecure, feeling rushed — things that don't bode well when you're trying to reach the top of the mountain. 

RELATED: Orgasm Researchers Have New Boning Intelligence To Share & It's Going To Blow Your Mind

Granted, that doesn't mean women in committed relationships don't have their own struggles.

I recently had lunch with a friend who has been married for six years. She has a stressful job in PR, and she revealed to me that she needs 30 minutes when she gets home "to rot." This rot time is spent just sitting on the couch doing nothing. It's a chance for her to relax, turn off her brain and put away work problems until the next day. (Important note: She and her husband do not have kids, which makes daily uninterrupted "rot time" a realistic activity.)

"Steve knows there's no sexy time until the rot is complete," she joked.

And while I'm sure that's not a chiseled-in-stone rule in their household, it makes perfect sense. It's the same reason I like to turn off the news and unplug from social media at a certain point in the evening: I don't want my brain swirling about presidential elections, war in the Middle East or the latest NFL mock drafts when it's time to give my full attention to my husband.

Meanwhile, he can be ready at the drop of a hat. As soon as one head turns on, the other one turns off. Women don't work like that.

Let's Raise The Bar

I promise I'm going to stop throwing scientific studies at you, but I've got one more.

In a study published by the journal Sex Roles, researchers found that because women tend to have fewer orgasms than men overall, women stop expecting to be satisfied.

"Our expectations are shaped by our experiences, so when women orgasm less, they will desire and expect to orgasm less," said Grace Wetzel, a Rutgers social psychology doctoral student who has dedicated her career to fighting for orgasm equality. "If women do lower their expectations in this way, the more orgasm inequality may perpetuate in relationships."

In other words: She expects not to be satisfied, so she loses interest in sex. She fakes it in the beginning, but eventually she just gives up altogether.

Not good, guys. Not good for anyone!

And these expectations among women only plummet further when you have dudes on podcasts (like this next video) who convince themselves that female orgasms are "not normal" and they are largely "a myth."

LOL. Imagine getting behind a microphone and admitting you've never satisfied a woman. How embarrassing.

So while I poked fun at Tim "Christopher Columbus" Ferriss for discovering a new world, maybe his stupid book needed to be written. No, I don't expect men to pleasure their partners for 15 minutes every single time with no expectation of reciprocation like Tim did. But maybe we do need to raise awareness of the elusive female O. 

Women need to be more open and honest about what they want. "Faking it" doesn't help anyone. And what can men do?

"Men who are partnered with women can create a space where communication is open and their partner’s pleasure is a priority," Wetzel explained. "Men can take their time with their partner’s pleasure and, most importantly, listen to their partner. Everyone is different!

"Importantly, men should never rush or put pressure on their partners to orgasm. This leads to sexual coercion, pressure, and shame, which is not conducive to orgasm. Or to healthy relationships."

And before you come at me, no, I'm not lumping all of you with the clueless podcast bros. Maybe you and your partner are doing just fine in the bedroom, and I hope that's the case. We can laugh at this together. 

But more sex and happier wives is a cause we can ALL get behind.

Because, sure, the orgasm gap might be a problem. But it's a really fun one to solve.

Let's open the mailbag.

Alan Says On Dead Bedrooms

Love your column. You are a great addition to the team. Clay got me to OutKick, Joe kept me with Screencaps, and now I look forward to your Wednesday article! 

(Interjection: I'm honored.)

Saw your Ashley Madison interview. Check out the subreddit called Deadbedrooms. It is mostly filled with grumpy old dudes (and some women) like me whose spouses decided years ago that sex wasn't important, so they just stopped having it. It is a place where we can commiserate.

There are certainly serial cheaters (maximizers) out there from both sexes. But there are also people like me who just want to be wanted by someone. 

Amber:

Oof.

Because I'm neither a professional nor a close personal friend of Alan's, I'm NOT qualified to speak on his specific situation.

So I'm talking in general here and not to Alan: But I think there are a number of reasons why people — men and women — lose interest in sex. And despite everything I wrote in this column, it's not always a lack of orgasms. It could range anywhere from mental stress to medical problems to having children to infidelity or anything in between.

I think the best advice I'd give to anyone (even if your sex life is active) is to always keep the line of communication open. Talk about what you want in bed, what you like, what you don't like, what external circumstances may be stopping you from being intimate, all of those things. Sex in a relationship is important, and there's no reason to be shy about it.

If all else fails, there's also no shame in couples counseling, either.

What I don't recommend is going behind your partner's back and being unfaithful. Open communication helps sex lives. Secrets and lies don't.

Bruce With An Important Lesson

I was reading your column last week and when you mentioned that, in an open relationship, the man may be all for it in the beginning, but once he realizes that women can find a man more easily than a man can [find a woman], he changes his mind.

Your statement is so true. When I was a sophomore in college, I realized that no matter how cool a man thinks he is, if a woman doesn’t want to go home with him, there is nothing he can say or do to change her mind. I told my roommates this is the reason I was never concerned about going home alone.

Amber:

Yeah, it's generally good practice not to try to convince a person to sleep with you if he or she says no in the first place. Gotta take the L and try again with someone else.

Richard Is All About The Poly Life

Last week, I wrote about a survey that revealed that Gen Z is becoming more and more open to the idea of polyamory and open relationships. While I, personally, could never be OK with it, I am all for people doing what makes them happy.

READ: Survey Shows Gen Z Is Shifting Toward Non-Monogamy, But Will It Work Long-Term?

Richard writes:

Hi Amber, I’m in a polyamorous quad of 2 cis women and two cis men. We have been together over 23 years.

Happy Ending

Something tells me this guy discovered Tim Ferriss' method long before Tim Ferriss did.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.