A Dad's Guide To Winning Mother's Day
A few months into our wedding planning, my now-husband Mike and I sat down to discuss music. I told him I was going to let my dad choose our father-daughter dance song, and I asked him if he had an idea for his mother-son dance. He wanted to let his mom choose, too.
I also told him I bought cards to give to our parents on the morning of our wedding. I love a handwritten card, and I thought that would be a nice gesture to thank my mom and dad for everything they'd done for me leading up to the big day. I suggested Mike write notes for his parents, too.
While he was fully on board with the card idea, he told me, "You know, they aren't really the sentimental type."
Fast forward a couple of months when we went to visit my mother-in-law in Daytona Beach. We walked in the house to find her sitting on the couch listening to a song she had picked for their mother-son dance. She was crying. (Happy tears, of course.)
I looked at Mike… "Not really the sentimental type, huh?"
I don't tell you this story to throw Mike under the bus. He has nothing but love and adoration for his mom.
I tell you this story to make a point: All moms are the sentimental type.
Sunday Is Mother's Day
For those of us lucky enough to still have our own moms, I trust you've already thought about what you'll do to show your appreciation on Sunday — whether it be paying her a visit, giving her a call, sending her flowers, taking her to brunch or any combination of the above.
But for you dads out there, this is your time to shine. Because you also have a responsibility to let the mother of your children know how much you appreciate her.
My dad (37 years into marriage) likes to joke with my mom: "Why do I have to get you something for Mother's Day? You're not my mom."
But he's full of shit, and he knows it. Because every year on the second Sunday in May, she is showered with flowers, chocolates, cards and steak dinners as a reward for birthing and raising their four grown children.
So if you're currently panicking because you haven't yet planned a special day for your wife or girlfriend, I — your resident Womansplainer — am here to give you some ideas (and some brownie points).
I'll preface this by saying I am not a mother. (Except to a 15-year-old dog, but I'm told that's not the same thing.) So I polled a bunch of women with human children to find out what their idea of a perfect Mother's Day would be.
And you'll be pleased to know it's very do-able on short notice.
Moms Want A Break
A video went viral last week of a woman arguing that "Mother's Day is for the moms in the trenches."
What she meant by that is that mothers who are currently dealing with very young children or babies should be prioritized over moms of grown children who — maybe — don't have the same grueling and hectic day-to-day grind.
I'm not saying this woman is right or wrong. (As a non-mom, my opinion here means nothing anyway.) But according to a recent survey by Yelp and YouGov, there is a generation gap when it comes to Mother's Day celebration preferences.
While Boomer moms of grown children prefer nice dinners and family time, Millennial moms are yearning for alone time and relaxation.
(Yelp & YouGov / Chart by The DataFace)
(Yelp & YouGov / Chart by The DataFace)
Staying up all night with a newborn, changing diapers, chasing toddlers… that's hard work. You can't blame a mama for wanting a quick breather — a mini-vacation from doing the things she already has to do every day.
No, "moms in the trenches" are not more important than older moms and grandmas. But, dads, if you go to a family cookout at the grandparents' house for Mother's Day, just make sure you're the one chasing the kids and doing the work.
Mom wants a glass of wine and a lounge chair.
A Perfect Mother's Day Gift, According To My Poll:
- "A whole day already planned. I don't want to decide where to eat, where to go or what to do."
- "I imagine heaven is waking up to a spotless house and the smell of bacon."
- "A family trip, but where I don't have to plan, load up, clean up or make a meal that night."
- "A day to do whatever I want with no responsibilities."
- "An uninterrupted, three-hour nap in the middle of the day."
- "Breakfast in bed. Really, just all three meals decided and cooked for me!"
- "A date night!"
- "A cookout for all the family moms is fine, but I'm not cooking, preparing or cleaning up afterward."
There was one answer on Reddit that was particularly telling: "I want to have a day where I make zero decisions. I want to wake up when my body tells me to, not a kid or an alarm clock. I want my husband to make breakfast without me asking or walking into the kitchen to get things started first. I want him to go out and play with our kid and to get him situated for lunch. I want my husband to walk in and make a dinner — any dinner. And then finally, I want him to put the kid to bed. All with no prompting."
Fellas, I think we're seeing a pattern here.
As For Physical Gifts…
Ladies love flowers.
I don't care how many women have tried to appease you with things like, Oh, I don't need flowers. They're just a waste of money. They die in a couple weeks. Don't worry about it.
Lies. All Lies.
Not a single woman is ever going to get mad at you for walking through the front door with a bouquet of fresh flowers. You can stick that piece of advice in your pocket, and you can carry it straight to the bank.
(Yelp & YouGov / Chart by The DataFace)
So while flowers are always a winner, I've gathered you a few more gift ideas — just in case you want to go above and beyond.
From the Poll:
- A handmade card or gift from the kids (This is that sentimental thing we talked about earlier.)
- Any gift hand-picked by the kids
- An updated, framed family photo
- A gift card to the spa. Or better yet, an appointment already booked and paid for. (If you have no idea which services to book, consult a sister or a female friend.)
- A massage
- A night in a nice hotel
- A deep-cleaned home from a professional cleaning service.
- A necklace or ring with the kids' birth stones.
Another popular request was for items that support her hobbies and goals outside of being a mom. Hiking gear, workout classes, pickleball lessons, craft supplies and skincare were all answers I received in the poll.
In short, Mom wants her hard work to be recognized and appreciated. And she wants one day of rest, no stress and not lifting a finger.
And guys, this is not an attack or a suggestion that you aren't already carrying your own load in the family. I'm sure you're knocking it out of the park in the dad department. But my scientific research has clearly concluded: Mama needs a break.
Besides, your day is next month.
So Let's Hear It!
The ladies had their chance to sound off. Now, it's your turn.
How do you want to spend Father's Day? And what's the ideal gift for Dad? Send your answers to Amber.Harding@outkick.com.
Let's open the mailbag.
Richard Is Team Kelsey
Last week, I shared a video of Kelsey Plum that was a little cringey, and the Internet ruthlessly made fun of her for it.
Richard writes:
Maybe I’m a total dork (my teenage daughter certainly thinks I do some cringey things), but I thought that Kelsey Plum clip was kind of adorable.
Anonymous Has A Surefire… Technique
Thanks for keeping it real with us heathens. As a proudly married man of 12 years, tell your husband to research the "two-finger cul-de-sac" move, and you two will be jet skiing to the Caribbean. My wife is a medical doctor and a huge fan!
Amber:
Anonymous is referring to a technique coined by radio host Bubba the Love Sponge, where you manually stimulate your lady's G-spot. I'll let you Google it — I'm on a work computer.
I read this email to my husband, though, and he said, "I don't take relationship advice from a guy who let his buddy bang his wife."
Mike is, of course, referring to the fact that Hulk Hogan famously had sex with Bubba's then-wife Heather — with Bubba's blessing. And I think Mike has a fair point here. Would be cool if he (literally) took me jet skiing to the Caribbean, though. I love a vacation.
Jon Has Tips For Engagement Rings
Just 2 pieces of advice:
1. Go classic single, nicest, stone you can afford but not gaudy even if you have the money.
2. Ask about return/exchange policy. Most places will allow an exchange within a certain time if not their style. Most will also give money back if the answer is no.
I took a female friend/co-worker to help pick out the band. I was going to choose a plain white gold ring, but she spotted an engraved platinum band that was very nice, and the matching man’s wedding ring was handsome, not girly.
If my now wife of 18 years hadn’t liked it, I would’ve been OK and taken her back to the store and said what the budget was.
Amber:
This is solid advice.
I fully agree that a diamond solitaire is the best option, but that's just my style. My husband actually took the diamond from his mom's old ring (it's a beautiful stone) and had it reset for my ring, which I love.
As I said before, a woman will wear her engagement ring every day for the rest of her life. It's important that she likes it.
I still think you should consult a female friend close to your fiancée if you have no idea what she likes, but the safest bet (if you have no idea and you refuse to seek input) is absolutely a simple, single diamond.
Chris Says Just Ask Her
My beloved wife has exquisite taste (other than in men, but I’m trying). My very first personal email, which I received in 1997, was a photo of a ring that my then-LDR girlfriend liked. It was completely unlike what I would have chosen, because I know nothing about jewelry, so I took the photo to a local jeweler who made it for me. (And FWIW, it wasn’t any more expensive than it would have been at a mall jeweler if they could have made it, which they probably wouldn’t have done.) Over the years, she’s received numerous compliments from other women, which is of course the point.
She loved it, still loves it (and me, yay), and wears it all the time unless she’s gardening or baking. The whole dramatic, staged, Hallmark-ring-box proposal thing is vastly overrated, and letting her pick the ring is always a winner. If you have to do the drama, come up with a token, like something reminiscent of a shared experience, then go to a good jeweler and get something she'll be happy to wear for another 70 years.
Amber:
Bingo.
Guys, just ask your future fiancée what sort of ring she prefers. Or ask her best friend. Do NOT try to guess. I get that you want to "surprise" her. But you can surprise her with a killer proposal — the ring should be a slam dunk by that point.
One More Thing
Here you go, fellas. The perfect Mother's Day itinerary:
Seems reasonable.
Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.
Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.