Response To Kristin Cavallari Shows Double Standard In Age-Gap Dating, But Cougars Are Here To Stay

Kristin Cavallari set the Internet ablaze a couple of weeks ago when she posted an Instagram photo showing off her new boyfriend, Mark Estes. Fans, of course, immediately pointed out the age difference: Kristin is 37. Mark is 24.

And everyone lost their damn minds.

What in the teenage boy is this?

What could a 37-year-old and a 24-year-old possibly have in common?

The midlife crisis is real ... Decided to date a 24-year-old TikToker, lmao. Yikes, gurl, how desperate can you get?

Your kids need a stepdad, not a big brother!

And that's just a small sampling of the utter vitriol being spewed all over Kristin's comments section. I also saw TikTokers shaming her for being an irresponsible mom, embarrassing herself on the Internet and going through some sort of devastating post-divorce crisis. Like she needed an intervention.

The haters are, indeed, going to hate.

What's The Problem With ‘Cougar’ Cavallari?

As I read through these comments slamming Kristin's new relationship, I had two immediate thoughts: 1) Most of the hateful responses were coming from women, which screams jealousy. 2) If Kristin's ex-husband Jay Cutler (age 40) started dating a 24-year-old woman, not a single soul would have a problem with it.

I spoke with Dr. Sarah Hill — an award-winning research psychologist and professor on sex and dating — about this apparent double standard in age-gap relationships. She recently teamed up with Ipsos and the dating site Cougar Life to gain some insights on the women who choose to date much younger men. 

"One of the things that's really interested me throughout my career has been sexual double standards and this idea that we have these different sets of rules for what's OK for men to do and what's OK for women to do," Dr. Hill told me. 

"And in a lot of ways, there's nothing that better exemplifies this than the label of ‘the Cougar,’ right? When we're talking about male-led age-gap dating, we don't have a word for men who do that. We just call them ‘men,’ because that's expected. And it's acceptable."

(Photo by Gotham/GC Image via Getty)

That's 100% true. Name almost any A-list male celebrity over 40, and he's dating or married to someone 15-20 years his junior. Hell, go to any wealthy neighborhood near you, and you'll see the same thing. A man dating a much younger woman is a status symbol. A woman dating a much younger man is a "mid-life crisis."

Exhibit A: Kristin Cavallari and Mark Estes.

"It's so absurd," Dr. Hill said. "It's like creating this idea that women are only allowed to date out of economic necessity or to find a long-term partner and to build the security of a family."

So What Is The Appeal For Women To Date Younger?

I'm going to be very honest: As a woman in her mid-30s, the idea of dating a man in his early- to mid-20s sounds awful to me. Truly awful. 

I know there's some 22-year-old guy out here reading this like, Well we don't want you, either! And baby, that's fine. 

The maturity gap, the financial instability, the fact that I'm going to have to train you in bed, the TikTok videos… I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Cavallari's boyfriend is one of those "Montana Boyz," by the way.

But Dr. Hill assured me I'm not alone in that sentiment. She said most female-led age-gap relationships she's encountered through her studies tend to consist of women who are in their 40s and 50s, dating a man who is in his 30s — where "there's a little bit less of a training curve."

On the other hand, many age-gap couples see different hobbies and interests as a breath of fresh air and an opportunity to experience something new.

"If they go into these relationships with an open mind, they actually end up learning a lot," she said.

Kristin Cavallari is pro-sex on the first date, but many of her fans are definitely not. She was ripped online for her comments. (Credit: Getty Images)

It's easy to see why an older man would want to date a hot young model. But, for some reason, it seems like a novel concept that women may be in an age-gap relationship for the same reasons — attractiveness and sexual satisfaction.

"Women get the same types of benefits from their age-gap relationships as men do," Dr. Hill said. "It's OK for men to enjoy greater sexual gratification from an age-gap relationship, but if women say the same thing, we all gasp and think, ‘What about the children?’"

The Tide Is Turning

Despite the stigma that has existed in the past, Dr. Hill's studies have shown that more and more women are open to the idea of dating younger men. And just like the rich men of Hollywood and your local country club, it's the wealthy, successful women who are leading the cougar charge.

Like Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas, Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson and, of course, our girl Kristin Cavallari.

"Somebody like Kristin Cavallari or a lot of the women that we see who engage in age-gap dating, they tend to be very successful," Dr. Hill noted. "They tend to be economically independent, and they don't have to follow the same rules that women have had to follow for millennia."

(Source: Ipsos, June 2023)

Gone are the days of choosing male partners solely on their ability to provide for us and our children, build a log cabin from scratch or hunt down a buffalo. In the year 2024, women can consider other factors — like who we want to see naked.

So move over, fellas. Two can play that game.

Let's open the mailbag for some age-gap relationship stories from readers.

Anonymous in AZ Loves Her Older Man

I’m turning 46, and my boyfriend is turning 63. So we’re taking 17 years. And let me tell you, 63 isn’t what most people think it is. (I remember my grandpa at that age, all stove up and arthritic, but not my guy!) This man has no gray hair (I do), just finished rebuilding a house from the ground up last year, re-shingled the house and garage last year, is an ahhhhmazing oil painter, can cook like no one’s business without a recipe, and to boot-is smart as hell, funnier than anyone I’ve ever met, and is handsome.

We’ve been together for 8 or 9 years. Started off as friends many years ago, when I was still married. Became FWB after my divorce for a while, touching base every so often, and then it evolved into a committed relationship. We aren’t getting married. Ever. Full stop. Neither one of us wants that. We’re happy living in sin, as the old timers would say.

I like to think our age difference makes things interesting. Seeing as how I was still shitting in a diaper when he graduated from high school, we don’t necessarily share a lot of the same cultural touchstones. Different music, different movies, different books, different memories of historical happenings.

But the cool thing is, we can share those with each other and we both grow as we learn. He’s turned me into so many cool 70s/80s bands, old movies (shout out to Alfred Hitchcock!), and books I never would’ve tried, even though I’m a voracious reader. But we also share a ton of the same likes. We both love "The Big Lebowski." Hate Stephen King when he got woke. We share the same religious views and most political views.

One silly thing that makes me laugh about him is that he’s a person who always does the opposite of what other people do. It cracks me up. I chalk it up to more his personality and less his age, but I think age plays a bit of a role. No tattoos, no piercings, and get this… no cell phone! This man is the only soul I know who doesn’t have a cell phone. But I kinda love that about him. He doesn’t feel the need to be constantly connected. He’s doing his own thing, is more than self-sufficient, and if something is messed up, he can call the house phone from somewhere.

I think the best part about being with an older man (and I’ve generally been attracted to older men) is that they’re chill. They don’t want to argue. They don’t want to fight. They generally don’t have Mommy issues, and they’re grounded.

And I love that we can sit together in silence. Generally we like to sit in bed and read news highlights to each other, and we’ll riff on them, which inevitably gets us talking about other stuff, and we’ll be laughing (or sometimes debating, depending on the topic) for hours. But other times we can just be together for hours and not feel the need to fill the space with needless empty words.

Sexually, there’s never been a problem. I have zero complaints.

It’s easily been the best relationship I’ve ever had.

Jason Is Marrying Much Younger This Time Around

My fiancée and I are 19 years apart. She turns the big 3-0 in a couple weeks (I’m actually excited 'cause I don’t think I’ll feel so much like a creepy old man). We have been together now for 5 years and have a 2-year-old little angel of a daughter.

We first met at a bar that I was a regular at while living out my best days as a divorcee. I was definitely not out looking for anyone, much less someone almost 20 years younger. But we started talking one night and I told her I was a dad (my oldest daughter is now 18) and spent a lot of time talking about her. She really took a liking to how good of a dad I am, and what do you know? She started coming around the bar more and more. We eventually started dating and here we are.

She will admit that she has daddy issues. While her dad is present in her life now, he was not around when she was growing up. She will even say to this day how it’s weird if they are alone in a room together. Not in a bad way, he really is a great guy (now). But after he divorced her mom, he spent many years focusing on his career more than raising his kids. Not that he’s entirely at fault, he was on the hook for a lot of child support. He and I share that much in common.

I think the biggest hurdle my fiancée and I have is the culture difference. We do align in our political and religious views, but I am an unapologetic child of the 80’s. I love hair metal, ‘80s pop, the brat pack, the classic TV shows that shaped the whole generation. She doesn’t get any of that. I did get her to watch "Top Gun" with me after being so excited to see the sequel, she wanted to watch the first one so she would know the whole story. One of the only movies of that time that she actually enjoyed. We both like country music (’90s all the way to present), so we have enough in common musically to be able to listen to the radio in the car. But sometimes I wish she would get my TV & movie quote references or understand why Motley Crue and Metallica have to be played at a ridiculously high volume.

All in all, I have never been happier and both our families support our relationship. In the end, love is all that matters, right?

Brad Is Team ‘Couch Guy’

Last week I shared with you a TikTok video of a guy who was surprised by his long-distance girlfriend at college. Viewers thought his reaction looked suspicious — like he was cheating. I didn't think that. And neither did Brad.

In the days prior to cell phones (early 80s, University of Illinois), I had this exact situation happen to me.

My GF was older than me, had graduated and had a good job, but traveled extensively. She set up a weekend visit with my roommate, so it would be a total surprise for me. In fact, she had even told me she would be on the West Coast that particular weekend.

Friday evening: We are drinking in the TV room with a group of guys and girls. We were a few beers in, and Boom! In walks my long distance GF.

I had the exact reaction as "Couch Guy," except it took me about 30 seconds to understand what was happening/looking around to see if I was on "Candid Camera!" (Use the Google if you don't get the reference.) To this day, my friends who were there said my reaction was priceless. Unlike Couch Guy, I couldn't put down my phone because my phone was attached to the wall. (Again, use the Google if you don't get the reference.)

Amber:

Brad, I am younger than you, but I am not too young for Candid Camera and house phones.

Indy Daryl Is Not Into The TikTok Trends

As one who does not do any social media outside of having the requisite LinkedIn page, I have a couple of questions/thoughts about most of TiktTok. Please feel free to correct my ignorance…

1. Does everyone have two phones? In every clip they are talking on the phone, but also recording…. Do they need two phones specifically for this? I’ve never had two phones, is this a thing??

2. If there are two devices, and said persons are filming, in no way do I believe that any of the clips are actually genuine reactions. For example, every single guy who got called husband knows she is filming. I don’t buy any of the clips as anything other than poor acting.

3. Maybe I’m wrong, but silly "tests" like this seem to strike me as saying more about the person filming than anything else.

Amber:

There's a song about having two phones, Daryl, but it doesn't have anything to do with filming TikTok videos.

And I'd venture to guess at least 75% of that app is people performing skits for likes. Actually, that estimate is pretty low. As Joe Kinsey would say, "anything for content!"

Happy Ending:

Happy anniversary to reader Jim, who is celebrating 18 years with his beautiful lady.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.