'Kiwi Guy' Becomes TikTok's Newest Husband-Villain & How To Read Between The Lines

Allow me to present to you a hypothetical situation.

It's a Saturday morning, and you have plans to spend the day at your buddy's place to watch the full slate of college football. We'll call him John. Upon walking in the door, you lay down your keys and head toward the living room, where John's already posted up on the couch with snacks. He's sipping a cold domestic.

Without taking his eyes off the TV, John hollers back to you, "There's beer in the fridge."

You stand there, bewildered. Frozen.

Does John want me to grab a beer for myself from the refrigerator? Or is he simply alerting me of the beers' presence in the fridge? Maybe he's mocking me because he currently has beers — and a refrigerator — and I'm just standing here like an empty-handed, confused moron in his hallway?!

Unsure of how to proceed, you pour yourself a glass of water from the sink, shuffle meekly into the living room and plop down on the reclining chair next to the couch. John's gaze drifts away from the game and directly to your sad glass of water.

"What's the matter, man, did you give up drinking?" John asks. "I told you there's beer in the fridge."

Let's Read Between The Lines

Of course, that was a ridiculous hypothetical. Through basic logic and reasoning, you would obviously infer that when John tells you there are beers in the fridge, he is inviting you to help yourself to said beers. He doesn't have to give you direct, explicit orders to fetch a Miller Lite, open it and drink it.

Keep that in mind as I tell you this next story. Except this next story is real, not a hypothetical.

A man went viral on TikTok last week when he discussed a similar exchange with his wife. I don't know this fella's name. So we're just going to call him Dum-Dum.

Dum-Dum announced to his wife that he was headed to Costco to do some grocery shopping.

"Kiwis are on sale," she responded.

Now, any smart and thoughtful husband knows that means she wants him to buy some kiwis. But instead of just buying the kiwis, Dum-Dum short circuits as if the instructions are wildly unclear. And then he goes on his podcast to complain about this kiwi situation to his co-hosts — who are not on his side, by the way.

Sure, I will concede that Mrs. Dum-Dum could have spelled it out for him even more clearly: "My darling husband, the kiwis are on sale. While you're at Costco, would you please purchase some and bring them back to our home so that we can eat them?"

But she shouldn't have to…

Further, if he truly was confused about the meaning behind his wife's words, he could have clarified, himself, by asking something like, "Would you like me to get some kiwis? How many should I buy?"

Whichever camp you're in, I think we can all come to one conclusion: The worst way to handle a disagreement with your wife is to go on a podcast and complain to a bunch of strangers about her.

Flashback: Pumpkin Bars Guy

Last year a very similar video went viral when a man lost his mind over some canned pumpkin. This guy's name was Doofus.

Just kidding, it was Nathan.

So Nathan's wife gave him a list of ingredients she needed to make a batch of delicious pumpkin bars for a Fall gathering. Upon arriving at the grocery store, Nathan realized canned pumpkin was not on the list. He did, at least, recognize that canned pumpkin is a vital ingredient for pumpkin bars. But that's pretty much where the common sense ended.

A picture of someone who is definitely not Nathan.

(Getty Images)

He tried to call his wife, but her phone was in driving mode, and it pushed him straight to voicemail with an automatic "can't talk" reply. He texted her his dilemma, waited a few minutes, and then left the store …without canned pumpkin.

Once he got in his car and started driving, his wife called.

"We need canned pumpkin!" she says.

"Too bad, I've already left the store," he responds.

The wife asked him to please turn around and go back, and he refused. Instead, he went home, fired up his TikTok and told all of his followers how awful it is to be married.

That original video was deleted after everyone on the app ripped Nathan to shreds. And he even tried to save face by saying the whole thing was satire, which absolutely no one bought. But his story will live forever in infamy.

Handy Female Translation Guide

Now, please don't think I'm insinuating that any of you are even remotely as silly as Dum-Dum and Nathan, the grocery store villains. 

But just in case you do need help decoding the hidden meaning behind our words left unsaid, I have put together a handy list of requests women often make without explicitly making the request.

These are just a few examples, but I think you get it. This guy certainly does:

Men often complain that women "expect them to be mind readers." But that's not what this is about at all. 

It's about reading between the lines — putting that big man-brain to use, piecing together context clues and doing those nice things to make your lady happy …even when she doesn't explicitly spell it out for you.

And remember, when in doubt, just buy the damn kiwis.

Let's open the mailbag.

Tom In Houston on Household Chores

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a viral post on X from a guy who advised women to make lists of chores that need to be done around the house because "most of us men really want to help but don’t know how."

I argued that you don't need a list to see a sink full of dirty dishes, an overflowing laundry hamper, a kid with a poopy diaper or a floor that needs vacuuming. Just take care of it without her having to ask you. 

MAILBAG: Sleep Schedules, Wearing Jeans On Dates, Douchey 'Masculinity Coaches' & Chore Lists

Tom in Houstron writes:

I do have some thoughts on the topic of household chores and lists. Guys notice these things, but we're generally on the way to doing something else important (like getting a drink during the commercial break), so we don't do anything about them until we have to. We'll get to it in our own time. For example, we'll do laundry when we have one outfit left to wear, or we need our lucky shirt for the next game. We'll wash dishes when we need a clean fork. We'll clean up when somebody is coming over. Etc.

Most guys are fine with helping out, just ask. And be specific. If you just say help out with chores this week, we'll wait until the end of the week, then wonder why most of the stuff is done already. I was going to help out, but you did it already. If you need stuff done before we get to it, say so, and be specific. But talk to us. Chore lists are for the kids.  Guys don't like being treated like kids, especially if they deserve it.

Amber:

I do think Tom is right that there's a fundamental difference between how much men care about a clean house vs. how much women care about a clean house — generally speaking, of course. 

For example, I am physically incapable of sitting down to relax if my kitchen is dirty. Because all I can think about is the dirty kitchen. My husband? Well, I'm quite certain a dirty kitchen has never once cracked the top 50 on a list of things that stress him out.

Where women get up in arms, though, is the use of the term "help out." Kind of like how the quickest way to fill a mother of small children with rage is to ask if Dad is "babysitting the kids" today.

To say you're "helping out" or "babysitting" suggests that the house and the kids are HER responsibility, and you're doing her a favor by contributing.

I know, I know, I just got done writing a whole column about decoding words left unspoken. But the words that ARE spoken are really important.

Basic Bryan Basks In Basic Bro Bliss

Say that 10 times fast.

READ: The Ultimate Guide On Identifying A 'Basic' Girl — And How To Tell If You Are A Basic Bro

Bryan writes:

I don't get out much anymore, so I've never heard the term "Basic" applied to people. Having read your latest Womansplaining about basic girls and bros, I have a thought or two. No opinion about basic bros, except that I am definitely in that camp.

It seems to me that a basic girl is lower maintenance and lower cost than whatever a non-basic girl is. Ponytails, over-sized sweatshirts and yoga pants are sexy as hell, and if she wants to indulge in flavored coffee, it's OK with me as long as she stays out of my way when I need a refill on my Coke.

I mean, who wants a woman that cannot wear the same clothes twice and shops at Macy's? Or has to have a new phone, or new car every year? Most of us cannot afford that and have no patience for listening to the whining and complaining that come with her not getting them just so she can keep up with everyone else. Those women were probably spoiled brats as teens and always got whatever they wanted anyway. It's difficult to find something interesting to do with a woman that wants to be on a pedestal. (lol, rambling here, sorry)

I'll take the girl that is with me because she wants to be, not because I might look good as arm candy for her. If she wants to wear a sweatshirt, I don't give a damn. I prefer to wear a sleeveless shirt anyway (not a "wife beater," I don't have the figure for them).

Mike P. Found The Ultimate Basic Bro Accessory

Amber, right after I read your basic column about the Stanley Cup "accessories," Instagram hit me with this ad for the male version. Thought you'd appreciate.

(Instagram: @buschbeer)

Amber:

Men don't need Stanley tumbler accessories because manufacturers actually make men's clothing with pockets. But this is still cooler than the European Carry-All.

Anyway, I see your Busch Cup, Mike, and I present to you the mother of all Stanleys — just in time for Spooky Season.

And Finally, Some Gardening Advice From Danny W:

This might seem very random, but it's not. About a month ago, Jon emailed about how his wife loves gardening. He appreciates his wife's beautiful garden, but he also knows that whenever she wants to plant something new, she's going to put him to work.

Danny writes:

I travel for work and every year my wife wants me to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers. Problem is that I’m gone 3-4 days a week for work, and she won’t ever water the flowers. Which after 5 yrs of coming home to dead flowers, I’ve come up with a solution. I’ve got the perfect system to take care of your flowers with no energy to maintain.

With this timer setup you’ll never need to worry about watering your flowers again. Every two weeks, pour a little Miracle Grow in the pots and you’ll have amazing floral arrangements all year long.

Amber:

We love men who support their women's hobbies. Well done all around.

One More Thing:

On Sept. 5, I wrote a column about how to make sure your relationship survives football season. I wish I had seen this before I wrote that column:

That woman's a genius.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.