Women Want 'Golden Retriever Boyfriends' & Russell Wilson Gets Frisky With Ciara

Move over, boys! Dogs are now a woman's best friend. 

Yes, ladies of all ages are debating on social media about what breed of dog they like best. Cute, huh?

But plot twist, fellas… you're the dog.

"Golden Retriever Boyfriends" have become all the rage in 2024. And since you're probably completely lost right now, I'm here to explain. Excuse me — womansplain.

Golden Retriever Boys are exactly like the breed they're named after: They’re universally liked, inoffensive, outgoing and follow you around everywhere looking for love and attention. They are loyal, optimistic and easy to train. Basically, a woman looking to date a Golden Retriever wants a big goofball who is obsessed with her.

It’s the boyfriend searching frantically for his partner at the mall or at the airport (and lighting up when he sees her), the one who can’t wait for his lady to get home. A GRB needs constant stimulation and affirmation, lest he drive the woman nuts.

The term first made the rounds on TikTok and the app formerly known as Twitter back in 2021. But it gained new life in 2023 with the popularity of the Barbie movie. Ken is Barbie's adoring, silly sidekick — a Golden Retriever. And, of course, Swifties have deemed Travis Kelce to be the quintessential GRB.

I mean, if a Golden Retriever could tweet, it would almost certainly look something like this:

So what is the appeal of such a doofus? Well, if a woman has spent too much time with the complete opposite of a GRB — a man who lies, cheats or is otherwise disrespectful and indifferent to her presence — the appeal is pretty obvious.

Cosmopolitan's Kayla Kibbe writes: "Give me a man of emotional munificence and mental simplicity, a man of pure joys and harmless hobbies, like eating steak and eggs at IHOP and staring at the moon. I no longer wish to be intellectually challenged by a romantic interest who considers himself a worthy sparring partner or fluent in sarcasm — I want to be adored within an inch of my life by a man who delights in feeding bread to squirrels, ideally one whose ability to spell the word ‘squirrel’ is dubious."

Male Personality Types As Dog Breeds

Maybe you're not a Golden Retriever. That's OK! The women of social media have identified four other dog personality types to help you determine the dynamics of your relationship.

And you thought zodiac signs were dumb? Buckle up.

If you have a hard exterior and hate everyone except for your woman, you are a Rottweiler Boyfriend. People annoy you, and you’re unavoidably standoffish in social situations. You probably aren't super warm toward her friends and family, and only for your partner will you drop your macho persona.

Or maybe you're more of a Doberman? You're fiercely protective — strong and silent. Dobermans are always on the lookout for potential threats and can be a little territorial at times. Your wife's friends don't even bother trying to get you involved in the conversation because they know you’re there as a bodyguard, not a participant.

Dobermans are a little too intense for me, so let's get to my personal favorite: German Shepherd men. German Shepherds are protective, but friendly. They're hardworking and loyal, and they only have eyes for their significant other. Unlike a Golden Retriever, though, they are not doormats. They'll still call their lady out on her bullshit, then snuggle up on the couch next to her right after.

If I were going to participate in this silliness, my husband would be a German Shepherd.

And, finally, there's the Borzoi. He's lanky and aloof, and people truly can't figure out what his wife or girlfriend sees in him. But while these pairings might not make much sense to outsiders, a Borzoi is loyal, respectful and treats his lady like a queen — even if his appeal is more apparent behind-the-scenes. Perfect examples of these sorts of relationships include Justin and Hailey Bieber and the laundry list of hot women who have inexplicably lined up to date Pete Davidson.

(Getty Images)

Some solidarity with you here, fellas: The double standard here is pretty obvious. Imagine if men compared their wives and girlfriends to dogs.

I don't know, man, she's kind of a Pomeranian. Cute but otherwise pretty worthless.

I only date Chinese Cresteds… hairless, if you know what I mean!

God, my wife is being such a chihuahua. She's tiny, and she just never shuts the hell up.

Something tells me that wouldn't go over so well with the girlies on TikTok. But if you'll allow me to throw you a bone, I think there's a pretty simple answer to why this dog trend has caught on.

"Men are dogs," has historically been a derogatory and pessimistic view on dating. But why? Dogs are great! And while these pooch personality types might seem ridiculous, they all have one thing in common: No matter what kind of "dog" a woman prefers, each and every one listed above is loyal, loving and treats his woman well — in his own individual way.

So go forth and gaze at your wife or girlfriend with the same adoring eyes as her most faithful companion. Protect her, love her and maybe even get a little excited when she walks in the room …lest you end up in the doghouse.

Russell Wilson Caught Talking Dirty With Ciara

If you're wondering which breed Russell Wilson identifies as, the answer is horndog.

The Denver Broncos quarterback (for now) cuddled up to his wife Ciara at last week's Screen Actors Guild Awards and was caught on camera getting fresh.

"Imma need to take you out that latex," he told her.

At first, this had me so confused because I thought he said "Imma need you to take out that latex." I thought, What kind of married couple is still using condoms? That's the least-sexy dirty talk I've ever heard. 

But alas — Ciara's dress is made out of latex. And I stand corrected.

Good for Russ and Ciara.

As this lady below points out, a happy marriage is one where the husband is kind of a pervert — when it comes to his wife, of course. Not just a pervert in general.

He sprints across the house at any opportunity to see her naked. Major Golden Retriever vibes.

I commented on that video, "Yep. But ladies need to give that energy right back, too."

To my surprise, my comment was met with thousands of likes and several comments from men saying they gave up because their wife DIDN'T give that energy back.

My advice, as always, to men whose wives seem to be uninterested sexually is to make sure you're giving her what she needs emotionally. That means making the romantic gestures, contributing around the house and with the kids to reduce her mental load and letting her know you adore her for more than what's in her bra. (Although those are cool, too.)

And if that doesn't work, I don't know. Maybe go feed some bread to squirrels?

Dwayne Gets It Now — Thanks To His Daughter

Last week I explained why I never tell strangers (namely, male strangers) what I do for a living. And it's because there's always some smart guy who wants to quiz me on my sports knowledge. 

READ: Guy Teaches Golf Pro How To Golf & Why I Never Reveal What I Do For A Living

Dwayne responds:

Your story about the guy in the bar hit home. My daughter recently completed her first internship with an MLB team. As a proud dad, I told everyone about it. She couldn't go anywhere with me because I embarrassed her with my bragging. I'm a dad… that's what we do!!

But one day she told me why she hated it. She said guys are always skeptical of her baseball & sports knowledge or imply she got the job for the wrong reasons. I had no idea she felt that way. But I'm learning it's a common experience for ladies in your industry.

Amber:

I promise every woman you talk to who works in sports has a similar experience. And don't anyone come after me for b-tching — I know I chose this field, and I love what I do. But it's 2024, y'all. Let's stop being so surprised when we find out a lady watches baseball.

And since we laughed about Travis Kelce's old tweets earlier, here's one of mine.

Chris On Know-It-All-Dorks And Trust

Hi Amber — That guy in that bar was the archetypal know-it-all sports radio listener dork. Hopefully, he’s losing his IRA right now with online betting.

I’m not sure I can name five current players on any pro team, even after watching the Big Game. Let’s see, there’s Mahomes, and McCaffrey, and Aaron Rodgers, and Wishnowsky the punter (my wife is a Ute), and Purdy, Deebo something maybe, and that guy who’s supposedly "dating" some singer in the NFL’s greatest-ever marketing stunt, but that’s all I got. Oh, Jordan Love, ‘cuz my wife also went to Utah State. 

Anyway, when it comes to noticing other attractive people: in 25 years of wedded bliss, my wife and I have had a theoretical free pass system: since it’s not gonna happen anyway, she can accept offers from Karl Malone or Tom Selleck, and if Salma Hayek or Christina Hendricks comes a-knocking, I can answer the door. And since we know we never have and never would cheat on each other — the above exceptions notwithstanding — anyone else is fair game for comments. Trust takes time, but boy is it a beautiful thing.

Amber:

Chris' trust comment is a response to last week's column when I said this: "Look, I'm not an idiot. As much as I'd love to believe that I'm the only woman in the world my husband finds attractive, I know that's not the case. However, there is absolutely zero reason for him to TELL ME when he finds another woman attractive."

And while I understand Chris' perspective… I stand by what I said. Because it's not about trust. I trust my husband completely. And I know — obviously — he's not going to cheat on me with Salma Hayek (or any other woman he sees on TV or elsewhere, for that matter). Actually, the fact that he's never shown interest in gawking at other women is the PRIMARY reason I trust him so much. It's also the primary reason he gets laid every night.

For me, it's about respect.

I always said, "If it's not what my parents have, I don't want it." Maybe that's why I didn't get married until I was 34. But in my whole life, I've never heard my father say anything about another woman's body. Ever. They've been married almost 37 years, and he adores my mom. He talks about her like she is the only woman in the world. I'll settle for nothing different.

Pete Approves Of The New Time Slot

Love reading your column, keep up the great work! One question came to mind when you said Womansplaining was moving to Wednesdays — was it a coincidence that you are moving it to HUMP DAY or was it planned that way as it is the perfect day for it? Just wish the headline would have been, "Womansplaining moving to HUMP DAY."

Amber:

Actually, we made the decision to move the colum to Wednesdays because Joe Kinsey and I felt like y'all might need a mid-week boredom buster. Womansplaining Wednesdays has a nice ring to it, too.

But damn it, Pete… when you're right, you're right. 

Coming Up…

Next week I'm chatting with Dr. Sarah Hill, an award-winning research psychologist and professor on sex and dating, about a recent study on age-gap relationships.

If you and your significant other (or ex-significant other) have an age gap of 10+ years, send me an email! Specifically, if you have any questions for Dr. Hill or want to share your story about bridging the generation gap. What sorts of things — sexually, emotionally or culturally — were tough to overcome? What parts of your relationship clicked automatically? Would you recommend dating older or younger?

This is going to be a fun one.

Rapid Fire Internet Stuff I Liked

LOL Speaking of gawking at other women…

The audacity.

Lying to your wife is NOT Womansplainer-approved. But this is pretty funny.

A sexy surprise! (The way this man screams has me rolling.)

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs Wednesdays (Hump Day!) at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.