Survey Shows Gen Z Is Shifting Toward Non-Monogamy, But Will It Work Long-Term?

Gwyneth Paltrow has quite the dating résumé.

The actress has been married to TV writer and director Brad Falchuk since 2018. But before that, she dated a who's who of Hollywood leading men. Over the years, Paltrow has been linked to Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and Luke Wilson. She was also married to Coldplay singer Chris Martin for 13 years.

But Paltrow is making it clear that none of these relationships overlapped.

During an "Ask Me Anything" (AMA) Q&A on her Instagram Story last week, the 51-year-old was asked, "Have you ever considered a poly relationship?"

"No thanks!" Paltrow responded. "Not for me but have no judgment. I’m a one man kinda gal." 

(Instagram: @gwynethpaltrow)

Think of polyamory as an open relationship — one where all parties involved mutually agree to have multiple sexual or romantic partners.

As a happily married woman, I'm with Gwyneth on this one. It's a firm hell no from me. But apparently, it's just because we're old.

Gen Z & The Shift Toward Non-Monogamy

OK, I'm not really old — I'm in my 30s. But dating looks a whole lot different now than it did even 10 or 15 years ago. 

Born into a time of unprecedented change, technology and access to information, members of Generation Z (think 18-29-year-olds) face unique challenges when it comes to finding a romantic partner. And, according to a recent survey, many of them aren't sure they want only ONE romantic partner.

Last week, I chatted with Paul Keable — Chief Strategy Officer at Ashley Madison — about what he sees as a generational shift toward non-monogamy. Ashley Madison is mostly known as a discreet website where married folks can go to engage in affairs. But, as it turns out, it's also a popular site among single people looking for polyamory or open relationships.

In fact, in 2022 alone, more than 1.8 million Gen Z joined AM (1 million of whom were from the United States) — representing a whopping 40% of all sign-ups that year. And a large majority of them have never been married.

(Getty Images)

So the website partnered with YouGov to get some insight on Gen Z's attitude toward non-traditional relationships.

Keable explained that Gen Z is represented as the most openly sexual generation to date. Yet, reports also show that they're having far less sex than previous generations. So the team at AM wanted to dive into this apparent contradiction.

"What we're seeing is that Gen Z is pushing back on the shame and guilt that was often associated with sex and sexuality in previous generations, particularly from Gen X," Keable said. "And what they're saying is, 'Listen, I'm very interested in it. I'm willing to explore, but number one: I want my needs met. 

"'So I'm not just going to go have sex to have sex. But when I do choose to have sex, I'm not going to bring in the baggage of previous generations of guilt and shame associated with trying new things.'"

What Intrigues Gen Z About Non-Monogamy?

I'll admit, so far, the conversation with Paul had me skeptical. Gen Z is more choosy about who they have sex with. They want to make sure their own needs are met. You could say those same things about someone who is looking to settle down in a monogamous relationship. These basic human emotions are not unique to the younger generation.

So we dove into the survey results to find out why the non-monogamy route appeals to Gen Z. And I want to clarify when we say non-monogamy, we mean disclosed non-monogamy — not infidelity.

According to YouGov, 59% of AM's members aged 18-29 said they wanted either an open or a polyamorous relationship — citing benefits like fuller sexual and romantic life experiences and more open-mindedness toward different forms of love.

(Credit: Ashley Madison / YouGov)

But you'll be shocked to find out the number one reason why young Ashley Madison members are seeking outside or multiple partners.

And by "shocked" I mean you won't be shocked at all. 

Per the survey, 51% of Gen Z members believe one person alone can’t fulfill their sexual needs.

(Credit: Ashley Madison / YouGov)

Again, that's not a feeling that is unique to Gen Z. Many people in monogamous relationships feel sexually unfulfilled, too, and I'd venture to guess that is what really keeps Ashley Madison in business.

Gen Z might just be the first generation, though, to embrace having outside partners and not lying about it.

"I think the main point I try to tell people is that we're not in the business of trying to promote infidelity or non-monogamy," Keable said of Ashley Madison. 

"Really, what we're trying to tell you is that it is happening regardless of our existence or not. Let's understand it before you make your choices, before you judge others and your own relationship, understand why people do it."

My Take

Paul was a good sport in our interview. Because as someone who has no tolerance for infidelity, I came in guns blazing. And given his job, he's probably used to that.

I do think there's plenty of validity to what he's saying about Gen Z being open to the idea of having multiple partners as opposed to settling down with just one. But I also think there's a whole slew of reasons for this.

• The Illusion of Choice: I discussed this in my column last week. Through the Internet and online dating, this generation has access to more members of the opposite sex than young daters have ever had before. Even if they are happy in their current relationship, there's always the temptation to see what else is out there.
• They're Young: This seems like a no-brainer, but having no-strings-attached sex and going on dates with a bunch of different people in your 20s might sound fun. But the number of people knocking down your door to sleep with you is certainly going to dwindle as you get older. And if you want to raise children, the practicality of polyamory or an "unattached" lifestyle gets a little bit more complicated.
• It's The Economy, Stupid: The "American dream" of getting married and having 2.5 kids and a white picket fence is not doable when the house behind that white picket fence costs 10 times more than it did 20 years ago. People in their 20s are worried about paying rent and feeding themselves — not about finding a life partner.

Just look at the marriage rates.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Americans are delaying marriage or simply putting it off altogether. The median age for men to first get married has risen to 30.2 years in 2023, while for women it's 28.4 years. 

That shows a steady upward trajectory since the 1950s, which had the lowest median age of 22.5 years for men and just 20.1 years for women.

(Credit: U.S. Census Bureau / Statista)

Again, none of this is surprising. We're not in the 1950s anymore, Toto. 

Life is more expensive. People have more options. Women have entered the workforce. We could point to hundreds of factors to explain this trend.

So my question, then, is: Are Gen Zers really shifting toward polyamory and non-monogamy forever? Or are they simply testing the waters while they're young and then settling down later in life?

Paul thinks it's a little bit of both.

"I think there are going to be different cohorts. There'll be those who, you know, are very much on the marriage-family track, and that's the path they're going to take. And they're not necessarily looking to explore otherwise," Keable said.

"But I think you're going to see more and more people explore non-monogamy — both in the early part of their life and in the later stages of their life. It creates a lot of options and creates a lot of different pathways for very healthy, stable relationships."

(Getty Images)

Look, I promise I'm trying to keep my Millennial judgey-pants off for this one. I know there are plenty of polyamorous people and couples in open relationships out there. I know it works for a lot of people. 

But I'll admit my bias: The concept is bonkers to me.

I, personally, cannot imagine being OK with my husband sleeping with someone else. Even if I were doing the same. There is just no scenario I can imagine where someone doesn't wind up hurt.

But I also acknowledge that not everyone is me. I firmly believe if you do not want to get married, you should absolutely not get married. Same with having children. So if being in a relationship with multiple people works for you and all involved parties are happy, then you do you, boo-boo!

Now, there are also people out there in an open relationship that their partner doesn't know about. Ashley Madison calls this "undisclosed non-monogamy," which is a cute euphemism for "cheating."

But that's a column for next week. 

Let Me Know What You Think

Are you in an open or polyamorous relationship that works? Or have you ever been in one that went seriously wrong? What's your theory on Gen Z's shift toward non-monogamy?

I want the details! Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and fill me in. Remember I'm always happy to keep you anonymous — just ask!

Let's open the mailbag.

Patrick Is Skeptical About Ashley Madison

Asking for a friend… I think it’s a grift. Get fellas to sign up and then a year later, threaten to reveal their application if a ransom isn’t paid. 

Amber:

Ha! I don't think they'd be in business for as long as they have if this were true.

That said, in 2015, someone hacked Ashley Madison and exposed the identities of more than 30 million users. And no one was sympathetic. 

No offense to my new friend Paul and his livelihood, but these are the risks you take when you don't uphold your wedding vows.

Mike Says I'm Wrong About Critical TikTok Lady

Hi Amber, love your column! I can't agree with you that Danielle Fewings was in the wrong to 86 the guy, though. He really didn't make a plan. 

A plan is this: "Hi! I would like to see you again. Would you like to go to Brunch on Sunday?" If she says yes, text back his list of places and yes, he should research them first regarding reservations, so when she chooses he can respond accordingly. After she chooses, he can then advise her of the time of reservation and or time to meet if they don't take reservations. All should be done by Friday eve.

Amber:

Last week I shared a video from a woman who dumped a guy because he didn't text her as perfectly as she expected him to. I defended the guy, saying, "His communication was spot-on: He made a plan, offered to come to her side of town, asked her what she liked, confirmed with her the day before, all of that."

FIND IT HERE: Modern Dating Is Like An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet ...And That's Not Really A Good Thing

Mike, I'll actually agree with you that he could have done better. A woman loves it when a man makes a concrete plan, takes all the decisions and guess-work off her shoulders and communicates clearly and in advance. And I'll concede he should have given her an exact meeting time the day before.

But she also didn't ask what time, and she left him on read when he named the place. My point? She could have done better, too. And I don't think this innocuous text thread was reason enough to throw the whole man away.

Anonymous On Interior Design

A couple of weeks ago, I encouraged men to let their wives or live-in girlfriends make the decisions when it comes to home decor.

READ: 'Rocking Chair Guy' Sends Women Into A Fury & Guys, Just Let Her Decorate The House

Anonymous writes:

We got a new window in one of our kids' rooms a couple years ago. There's been a sheet hanging over it since then, because with four kids, lots of other things are a priority. My wife decided in the last couple of months that the window treatment is now a priority. My response, "yes ma'am." 

We've talked to two different companies to get quotes, we've gotten samples, I've given my *limited* feedback on what I like (but let's be honest, I only care that she's happy with it. I'm not really going to pay attention to the color after it's in the window. I'm clearly not a maximizer! ;) ) The challenge comes when I'm not invested enough in the conversation, and I have to remind her that her taste is better than mine. Anyway, and she's going to make a great choice, sometimes despite my opinion!

Amber:

It's a delicate balance between offering your opinion and letting her make the decision on her own. My husband faced the same dilemma when it came to planning our wedding.

READ: Readers Dish On All Things Wedding & Why My Own Wedding Party Needed Medical Attention

You have the right idea, Anonymous. Your wife just wants to know that you are interested, involved and not apathetic to the situation. And as soon as she picks the curtains, you bring them home, you hang them, and then you tell her what a beautiful choice she made.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just For Fun

One of the things I told Paul is that I think the idea of an "open relationship" always sounds great to men — at first. That is, until they realize it's a whole lot easier for their wives/girlfriends to find other sexual partners than it is for them.

Kind of like how men love the idea of a threesome with another woman but would never be OK with her bringing another man into the bedroom.

If you're going to open that can of worms, fellas, just be prepared for it to go both ways.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.