Womansplaining Mailbag: Engagement Rings, Location Sharing, Ponytails, PDA & The NYC Blanket Couple
Back in November, I pitched to my editor a column about sex, dating and relationships — written for men by a woman. I wasn't sure how this was going to go when I first started. Would OutKick readers really want me Womansplaining at them on a weekly basis?
Now, five months and 25 columns later, we've covered everything from online dating to stupid TikTok trends, weddings, feminism, celebrity break-ups, gift guides and elusive female orgasms.
Y'all have truly blown me away. And we're certainly not done yet.
I'm grateful for all the feedback I've gotten from readers — both via email and tagging me on social media. So today, I think we're long overdue for a massive mailbag dump.
Buckle up: We're going to cover engagement ring shopping, location sharing, PDA, horrendous dating stories and some follow-ups from last week's column. Plus, stay 'til the end to find out why a couple in New York City is going viral for all the wrong reasons.
What do you want to see in Womansplaining? Send your thoughts, complaints, questions, stories and viral videos to me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com.
Without further ado, let's open the mailbag.
Future Fiancée Hates Her Engagement Ring
A friend brought the following post to my attention and asked if I thought the woman was out of line. Actually, he said, "She's being a total bitch, right?"
So let's dive in: A woman found (presumably) an engagement ring in her boyfriend's nightstand. It looks to be white gold with three diamonds — one in the middle flanked by two smaller ones.
She wrote, "Found this in the BF's nightstand. Not a fan. Please roast and then tell me how to tactfully say no you need to go get something different."
Now, Is she being a total bitch? For snooping through her boyfriend's things and for taking this problem to the Internet, kind of. But she's justified in how she feels. If she doesn't like the ring, she doesn't like the ring.
And before you come at me saying she's being materialistic or ungrateful, remember a woman will wear her engagement ring every day for the rest of her life. She should, at the very least, like it. Imagine letting someone pick out a tattoo for you without your input.
Of course, if she's demanding some 4-carat boulder that would catapult you into debt for years to come, then that's a different story. Keep it within your budget, but make an effort to pick out a style she prefers.
RELATED: Readers Dish On All Things Wedding & Why My Own Wedding Party Needed Medical Attention
So if you're a guy who's ready to pop the question, I highly recommend doing one of two things:
- Ask her to show you some rings she likes. And that doesn't mean it has to be a whole production complete with a trip to the jewelry store and a salesperson hounding you. It can be as simple as asking for a few pictures while you're having dinner or sharing a bottle of wine at home.
- If you want it to be a total surprise, ask one of her friends or a sister to do some recon for you. Trust me, women talk about these things. My best friend was fully aware of the vision I had in mind for my engagement ring and was prepared for my then-boyfriend to come calling.
Just, please, don't find yourself doing something like this:
What's Your Favorite Hairstyle On A Woman?
Before you read any further, answer that question in your head.
I'll wait.
Now… was it a ponytail?
TikToker Kristen Lemmon ran an experiment where she had all of her followers ask their boyfriends and husbands this very question, and ALL the men said their favorite hairstyle for a woman is a ponytail.
Kristen thinks this is because Gen X and Millennial men all had crushes on celebrities who wore ponytails in the ‘90s. And somehow, subconsciously, they’re still attracted to ponytails.
But I have three alternative theories:
- A woman pulls her hair up in a ponytail to get it out of the way for …other things.
- Men spent too much time playing Lara Croft: Tomb Raider back in the day.
- Or (and I think this is the most likely reason) a "ponytail" is the only hairstyle most straight men can name.
For experimental purposes, I asked my husband this question. I prefaced it by saying, "This is not a trick, and there's no wrong answer."
He proceeded to describe three different hairstyles — sufficiently covering pretty much every way that I ever wear my hair. So he was no help with this.
But I think that was a strategic move on his part.
Groping Your Wife In Public
Responses to the following tweet were pretty divided. It's a video of actor Chris Hemsworth and his wife Elsa Pataky at some sort of fancy, celebrity function. Chris gives Elsa's butt a subtle slap, then grazes his hand across her backside.
Some folks in the comments found this PDA "disrespectful," "childish" and "inappropriate" in public — like he was objectifying the mother of his children and parading her around like a trophy instead of a human. Others (mostly women) said they expect their partner to touch them like this.
My take? If you are offended by a harmless little butt slap at an event full of adults, you're either jealous or you need to get out more. It's not like he wound up and took a swing, y'all!
Obviously, there's a limit to what PDA is acceptable in public. But I think I speak for most women when I say I'd be offended if my husband didn't cop a (socially appropriate) feel every once in a while.
This guy says it best:
Chris On Location Sharing
Need to get your thoughts on this…
I have a buddy who's on an app with his wife, kids and EVEN HIS IN-LAWS where they can all track each other's locations at all times. We were having beers one night, and his wife was texting. I said, "Tell her you're on your way." He said, "She knows better, she can see me." WTF?! Am I crazy for thinking that's insane?
Amber:
Eh, you are and you aren't.
That app (if it's the one I'm thinking of) is called Life360, and it's pretty popular among families — particularly ones with teenagers who sometimes need to be protected from themselves. So I absolutely don't think it's weird to have your kids' locations. Being able to track the in-laws (and vice versa), though, feels a little intrusive.
So the big question… Should you share locations with your partner? As unhelpful as this sounds, I really think the best answer is: It depends.
If you're sharing locations because you don't trust each other or because one person has been unfaithful, then you have bigger fish to fry. If I have to track your location because I think you're going to end up at another woman's house otherwise, then this relationship is probably already over.
A cheater will always find a way to cheat. And monitoring their every move is only delaying the inevitable. Plus, that sounds exhausting.
But I do think sharing locations is perfectly valid for safety reasons. For example, if I'm hiking or traveling alone, I always make sure someone — whether it be my husband or a close friend or family member — can locate me via the power of my iPhone just in case something were to go wrong.
Comedian Nick Whitmer has a unique perspective on this one:
So if you're using GPS tracking to make sure your partner isn't being sneaky, it's time to address the much bigger trust issue at hand.
If you're using GPS tracking to locate your partner in case of an emergency (or to figure out how much time you have left to eat your burrito without judgment), that seems reasonable to me.
The Grass Was Not Greener For Anonymous
This is a long one, but well worth the read.
Back in 2015, my marriage suffered a real crisis, and my wife and I separated. We'd had several arguments and thought that we wanted completely different things in life. We decided to separate and were headed for divorce. She moved away from the city that we had lived in for the past decade-and-a-half, and I got a new apartment.
After about six months of separation, I decided to start testing the dating waters. My wife and I began dating each other when we were still in high school, were on-again/off-again through college, and tied the knot in 2009. I need not imply that, in 2015, I was a total newbie to the socio-cultural shift in the dating scene, let alone the bizarre world of online dating.
I was simply raised to practice traditional manners. I open doors for women. I offer to take their coats. I pull out chairs. I don’t kiss on the first date. If I think that things went well and we have some chemistry, I’ll call just to see how your day is/was. I don’t have any tattoos, and I don’t really care for them, either. I know… boring.
One of my friends at the time set me up with a couple of online dating profiles: Plenty of Fish and Tinder. Here are some of my stories.
- A few of the women invited me back to a hotel room or an apartment after an initial meetup for a meal, which I declined. If I suggested that we meet for a second date, I was told some iteration of how they weren’t on a dating site to "play around" or that they weren’t looking for any kind of companionship — they wanted to get laid.
- After one date, a woman expressed her discomfort in me opening doors for her and pulling her chair out for her at the table. She told me, "I don't date Republicans." (I guess traditional manners is a red-tie thing?)
- One woman asked me if we were going to be an exclusive couple after we’d gone out to lunch the second time. I told her that I thought we should take it slow and get to know each other. She proceeded to text me over 20 times a day for the next two weeks and called me more than a few times leaving drunken voicemails, crying, asking me why I didn’t love her. After two lunches.
- I took one woman to a place with a dance floor on the first meeting, then suggested we go somewhere a little quieter where we could talk to each other the next time. She picked a place where the appetizers and salads were priced at $50/plate. When I suggested a different place, she ghosted me.
- One woman, whom I matched with on Tinder, literally wanted me to have sex with her in the parking lot behind the bar.
- A woman brought a friend, whom I’d never seen before, with her to our initial meetup and (not so inconspicuously) kept trying to hook me up with her friend. At the end of the get-together, they both wanted me to foot the whole bill.
- One woman told me, explicitly, when we met each other for dinner, that she’s "down for whatever," and then gave me her rates … yeah. No.
- I stupidly paid for so many meals that, a couple of months into this new online dating match-up trend, I started requesting we go Dutch. Guess how that went over?
Keep in mind that I wasn’t just swiping right on every profile of any attractive girl… I was actually reading what these women had posted about themselves and looking for red flags.
After all of that, (but not solely because of all that) my wife and I reconciled and got back together. We’d both counted our lucky stars that we’d met each other, fully appreciated that we were made for one another, and made a plan to solve all the molehill problems of which we’d made mountains. Since then, we’ve moved to a different area (it’s amazing how much an environment impacts a relationship), we joined a church with a Sunday school class for married couples our age, we initiated re-engagement counseling with our pastor, we’ve had two beautiful children, and we’re happier than we’ve ever been in our lives.
After my experience, I just recoil at what is out there awaiting my kids when they’re old enough to start dating. If it was that bad in 2015-2016, how bad will it be in the 2040s?
Amber:
OK, I LOVE this email.
Anonymous, my condolences for your string of truly God-awful dates. It really is a jungle out there on the dating apps.
READ: Men Share Their Dating App Red Flags & A Fundamental Difference Between The Sexes
But we love a happy ending!
About a month ago, I wrote about "maximizing" — basically the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side. Turns out, it's not.
Online dating (and the Internet in general) have given us the illusion that there are unlimited options out there. When, quite often, the best "option" for us has been right in front of us the entire time.
READ: Modern Dating Is Like An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet ...And That's Not Really A Good Thing
Congrats to Anonymous & Mrs. Anonymous. May you have many more decades of loving each other, appreciating each other and squashing the molehills before they become mountains.
And Godspeed to those who have to navigate the dating scene in the 2040s.
Sarah Wants The Tea
Last week, I wrote about a friend of mine (Kate) who upset her boyfriend (Will) when she forgot to text him when she got home after a night out. Assuming (incorrectly) that she had cheated on him, Will spent the next three days giving her the silent treatment and posting cryptic quotes about "betrayal" on his social media.
READ: Darren Waller, Kelsey Plum Split & Should You Air Your Dirty Laundry On Social Media?
Sarah writes:
Amber, you cannot keep telling us stories without an ending. What happened to Will and Kate? Did she ever talk to him again after his social media tantrum?
Amber:
You'll be thrilled to know that Will and Kate are now married.
After he threw a hissy fit for a few days, they made up. But he convinced Kate that her lack of communication completely broke his trust, and then he used that as an excuse to become an insufferable, controlling overlord. After that night, she was no longer allowed to go out with her friends (unless he was there), and he needed to know her location at all times — for reasons that had nothing to do with safety or burritos.
This incident happened five years ago, and I've seen Kate only twice since then — one of those times was at her wedding, where she asked me to hide airplane bottles of vodka in my purse because Will wouldn't let her drink alcohol.
Happily ever after!
C'mon AJ, Be Nice
Are we sure [Darren] Waller didn't end it with ol' girl because of this?
Amber:
OK, I was trying to avoid this, but I just knew someone was going to send me the popcorn video.
This clip of Kelsey went viral just a couple of weeks before she and Darren split. It is very cringey, and I actually had to resist the urge to use it in Nightcaps after it happened. Because I'm not a bully, you guys!
Have y'all ever been on the jumbotron at a sporting event? It's the most awkward thing ever. Do you chug your beer? Do you no-teeth smile and wave uncomfortably? Do you cheer and pump your fist?
No pressure, but if you don't pull it off, you'll become an Internet meme, and you'll never live it down!
So I'm going to give Kelsey a pass — because maybe the woman is just awkward, and that's OK. But she still needs to fill us in on what actually happened with Darren. Because I'm nosey.
One More Thing
Remember when we talked about acceptable PDA vs. inappropriate PDA? Here's an example of the latter — in a viral video taken at NYC's Battery Park this week:
And now for the big reveal:
Taking the walk of shame to a whole new level.
Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.
Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.