Darren Waller, Kelsey Plum Split & Should You Air Your Dirty Laundry On Social Media?
By now I'm sure you've all heard the heartbreaking news that Darren Waller and Kelsey Plum are calling it quits. After just one year of marriage, the Pro Bowl tight end and the WNBA champion fave filed a joint petition for divorce in Clark County, Nev.
And how did we all find out about it? Through a cryptic post on Kelsey's social media, obviously.
"I'm devastated. I walked through fire for that man, but now I see it's time to go," she wrote on Tuesday. "God has given me an incredible life, and I'm truly so grateful for the profound love from my family and friends.
"One day I'll share my story, today is not that day. Thank you for the grace to process my pain, to forgive and move forward. Today and everyday I will continue to choose joy. Much love KP."
Oof. It sure sounds like she's implying that her husband cheated. Naturally, my nosey ass bolted to Waller's Instagram page to see if he had anything to add.
While we didn't get any juicy gossip on his end, he did post a shirtless photo carousel on Monday captioned, "Peace of mind is not a destination to reach; it’s a state of mind to embrace." The post included slides with a couple cryptic quotes of his own:
A major part of manifesting is believing you're worthy of what you're asking for.
The universe doesn't require us to be perfect; in fact, the universe itself is a living testament to the beauty that can be found in imperfection.
Oh brother.
(Photo by Sarah Stier/Getty Images)
Do We Need To Air Our Dirty Laundry On Social Media?
I'm not making light of divorce. That's a terrible experience (or so I hear), and I hope both Kelsey and Darren are OK. But the idea of airing all of your relationship dirty laundry on social media for the whole world to see is so cringey to me.
We've all seen it. Spend five minutes scrolling Facebook or Instagram and there's bound to be at least one person, who is clearly in a fight with his or her significant other. They'll seek attention with a vague quote, a sad cheating song they're listening to on Spotify or — in some cases — they just come right out and put their partner on blast.
A few years back, a friend of mine (we'll call her Kate) got in a huge fight with her boyfriend (we'll call him Will). The night before, she and I (and a few other friends) went out to a bar and probably had a couple too many vodka sodas. But she left in an Uber and got home safely. The next day, Will was livid because Kate forgot to text him when she got home. Since she didn't text, he assumed that she had cheated on him.
That wasn't the case. She didn't text because she was drunk and tired and fell asleep as soon as she got to her apartment.
The following morning, Kate immediately apologized for her lack of communication but assured him nothing nefarious had happened. Instead of working through the issue, though, Will decided to give her the silent treatment for three days. During those three days, he posted countless quotes and memes on social media about "betrayal" and "heartache." He even deleted all existing pictures he had posted of Kate on Instagram.
If you didn't know this silly fight was over a text message (or lack thereof), you would think Kate had done something horrible to Will.
What Will looked like begging for pity on Instagram.
(Getty Images)
And we're not talking about kids here. This was a 30-year-old grown-up man-child — seeking validation from strangers instead of having a constructive conversation with his partner.
Sure, Will had a right to be upset. But this was a tiny problem that was exponentially compounded by his public tantrum posted for everyone to see — and speculate about. He could have confided in a close friend or family member. Instead, he humiliated the person he claimed to love on social media.
Which, in my opinion, is a much worse offense than forgetting to fire off a goodnight text.
On The Other Hand…
Maybe I just need to get with the times. Why practice healthy conflict resolution skills in your relationship when you can get instant attention and validation from millions on the Internet? And in the modern times of posting your whole life online, maybe this is the way of the future.
Take TikToker Diana Martinez, for example. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of six years. Instead of breaking the news to her family one by one, over and over, she came up with a brilliant solution.
Diana sent out an announcement graphic operating as a press release, which answered all pertinent questions surrounding the break-up. Since she posted the graphic on TikTok last month, it has received 4.5 million views, more than 346,000 likes and nearly 800 comments.
(TikTok: @di.mart)
Now THAT'S efficiency.
So while I, personally, don't recommend airing all your dirty relationship laundry to the world, I think if you're going to do it, you owe us the details. Inquiring minds need to know!
Just think if Will had done something like that. If he had posted, "Hey guys, I'm thinking about breaking up with Kate because she forgot to text me when she got home last night" instead of all the woe-is-me victim BS he actually posted, his followers would have been able to make a fair assessment instead of jumping to conclusions.
His friends would have been able to tell him, "Bro, you're overreacting. Go hug your girlfriend." And BOOM — we just saved everyone so much trouble.
Like this TikToker Erin says, "Normalize posting why you broke up on the Internet… 'Cause the group chat and I just spent an hour hypothesizing, and we may never know. The curiosity is going to kill us!"
All that to say, I'm really looking forward to Kelsey Plum's follow-up post. Because now I'm invested.
Let's open the mailbag.
Brandon Gets It
Hey Amber, longtime Womansplaining reader, first time emailer… this week's column was like ‘Call Her Daddy’ but for OutKick. We need more of that!
THE COLUMN HE'S REFERRING TO: The 'Orgasm Gap' Is A Problem, But It's A Fun One To Solve
Amber:
I was listening to Call Her Daddy way back when it first started with Barstool. It was really the first time (at least that I recall) that women were open and honest about sex — from our perspective. Granted, CHD is primarily aimed at a female audience, so the idea I had when I pitched this Womansplaining column was to sort of do the same thing but as a woman talking to (mostly) men.
Now if I could sell it to Spotify for $60 million like Alex Cooper did with CHD, that would be cool, too.
But for real: While I did get some great feedback from you guys last week, I also had a few people say things to me like, "I can't believe you're so open about your sex life! I would never do that!" or "I can't believe you wrote a whole column about orgasms."
But… what's the big deal? OutKick posts stories about boobs and butts and sex every day. Why would we clutch pearls over female orgasms?
Anyway, thank you, Brandon. I'm honored to be mentioned in the same sentence as Father Cooper herself.
Tyler
I told my wife about Tim Ferriss' magical and groundbreaking 15-minute orgasm method. She hasn't stopped laughing since.
Amber:
In case you missed it last week, this guy Tim Ferriss discovered female anatomy and wrote a whole book about it like it was new information. We're all very proud of him.
Happy Wife, Happy Life For Brian In New Jersey
Thirty-five years with my wife — 28 of them married — and I can count on two hands, including my magic middle finger, the amount of times only one of us has finished without an orgasm. In fact, maybe it’s my Catholic guilt DNA, but if she doesn’t, then chances are I’m not. Wham, bam, thank you ma'ams ended with my teens. Now, mind you, we’re not exactly going at it 10 times a week anymore, and sweaty late nights have been replaced by early morning soirées, but the pattern hasn’t changed.
On that subject, is there anything less realistic than the female orgasm on film? Whether it be a legit movie, or some raunchy porn? "I’m coming! I’m coming!" as neither one of them has done a thing to stimulate 1 o’clock? We get a good chuckle out of those portrayals and laugh wondering what we’ve been doing wrong for over three decades.
Amber:
Congrats on the orgasms and on your magical middle finger, Brian. That's how marriage should be.
Honestly, I could write a book about how much I hate porn because of the damage it does to relationships and the male brain. Not only is it unrealistic as far as female satisfaction, but degradation and violence toward women are common themes throughout the genre.
So, yeah, PornHub is not the place to go for instructional videos. I'd even go so far as to say Tim Ferriss is a better teacher.
Clay (Not Travis) Has Thoughts On The Female O
Your article on the O-gap was interesting. I think most of it is 10% technique (under man's control) and 90% mental (less under a man's control). Unfortunately, once a man figures out the technique, he usually obsessively focuses on it to the determent of everything else, causing more issues. Ultimately, a man almost always has an O during sex, if his partner doesn't have one after he has learned all the "tricks," he feels crushed. That is probably the origin of the "little white lie" that some women tell. They don't want the person they care about to be disappointed or feel it is their fault.
While I think the focus on the woman's O has benefited women, there is a downside where men try to consistently exceed physical limitations. Couples have to find the balance and figure it out. Ultimately, men are confused by women having sex and not having an O — most men think it is pointless. Women have a much more nuanced attitude about sex, which doesn't begin/end with an O, and that attitude isn't understood by men very well at all. I think that the push to say a woman always has an O at the same rate as men in mature relationships, otherwise something is wrong, will end up being more harmful than beneficial.
In addition, most women don't have an O during intercourse, usually due to simple anatomy. This fact can end up with a man doing the "usual" trying to get his partner to the O, which ends up resembling something like a mutual masturbation session rather than caring lovemaking. This will cause less intimacy over time. A quick trip to the adult toy shop can help in this regard. Sadly, many men feel intimated about bringing toys to the bedroom. I've even met a couple of women that won't discuss it. It is sad how much something like an inexpensive finger vibrator could greatly increase a couple's sexual satisfaction during intercourse, but it just doesn't happen because a couple won't talk about it.
Amber:
A few thoughts:
I am on a tireless crusade to get women to stop faking orgasms. It is so destructive to a woman's happiness to fake satisfaction in order to make a man feel good about himself.
I get that a man might feel "crushed," as Clay said, about not being able to bring a woman to completion. But what's more harmful to the male ego: Not inducing an orgasm from time to time or knowing that she's just pretending so that you'll hurry up and stop?
I push back on your use of the word "tricks" because it doesn't have to be complicated. Every woman is different, but that's why sex should actually improve the longer you are with someone. My husband knows me like a book, just like Brian from New Jersey and his wife.
And finally, there's certainly no shame in toys in the bedroom, and no one should feel uncomfy talking to their long-term partner about things like that. However, I have a controversial opinion about vibrators: I think too many women get too reliant on them. The reality is that a man cannot duplicate the movements of some 10-speed super vibrator, and if she uses that every day, she's setting herself up for failure when it comes to actual human contact.
That doesn't mean sex toys are bad! Not at all. I just don't love the idea of becoming dependent on them to the point where you can't enjoy yourself without them.
Boring Norm With A Tale From His College Days
I’m not sure this counts as polyamory, but I dated a girl in college we will call "Beth." Neither of us committed to each other, but we went on cheap dates and hung out about once a week. We got along well, but I always got the impression there was someone else she was seeing. I just didn’t care all that much.
I knew Beth and I would never make it long term, so I dated a lot of other people with more potential. But, if I had struck out that week, I always knew I could fall back and Beth was a sure thing.
After a few months, I realized that for Beth, I was the other guy. She had a long-term asshole boyfriend and whenever he pissed her off, she’d seek me out to blow off some steam.
This went on for a little over a year. We’d both be dating other people, looking for a long-term serious relationship, often failing, and come together for a little while when we both got frustrated with the game.
The reason we never made it long-term is best summed up when I asked her about her sexual history, and she replied, "After a while, I kind of lost track around 50 or so guys." I was 20, she was only 19. I believe she was telling the truth. We hooked up on every date, and we almost never went out on prime Friday or Saturday nights. I knew she was promiscuous, but, yeah, she wasn’t long-term material.
Anyway, I still consider her the "Best College Girlfriend Ever!" She was everything a 20-year-old guy wanted in the early '90s.
Amber:
We don't body count shame here in Womansplaining, but yes, that does seem like a lot for a 19-year-old.
You called her a "fall back" girl and a "sure thing." She came to you to blow off steam when her boyfriend pissed her off. Norm, it kind of sounds like you were a fall back and a sure thing, too. Mutual transaction.
Just For Fun
Brian's email about unrealistic female orgasms in porn reminded me of one of the best scenes ever from Letterkenny.
(Careful with the volume if you're at work.)
Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.
Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.