Why Has There Never Been a Cheerleader Nip Slip?
Janet Jackson.Quick—what comes to mind?
It’s not her botched nose job, or her Oprah-esque ballooning-and-shrinking act. It’s not her torrid love affair with the strange little troll-man otherwise known as Jermaine Dupri. And it’s definitely not her music, unless you are a fan of such lyrical ingenuity as:
“Light skin, dark skin, my Asian persuasion
I got them all, that's why these girls out here hatin’
‘Cause I'm sexy
Yeah, sexy sexy sexy
Sexy.”
(So, does Janet Jackson think Janet Jackson is sexy? Because I’m not sure. She should really be more clear about these things.)
No. You hear Janet Jackson and you think: NIP SLIP. (Although, if we're being fair here, hers was more of an entire boob slip.) But Janet Jackson will always be remembered for it. Now, and forever. Much like when you hear Conan O’Brien and you think: Pure, raw sex appeal (No? Just me? Okay.) Basically, there is really just no getting around it.
Just out of curiosity, I Googled “Most famous nip slips.” You know, just to see the results. (And I also only read Playgirl for the articles.) The first site the search returned had a convenient little countdown, complete with a scrolling menu bar, high-res photos and handy little captions describing the time/place of the slip. So remarkably efficient; they really do think of everything these days. The best part of it was that in every photo, the celebrity is just smiling away naively, blissfully ignorant of the fact that an intimate part of their anatomy is being shamelessly broadcast to the world, and that they are now going to be the new desktop screensaver for roughly 87% of hormonal teenage boys and/or men who say things like “wicked cool.”
And now, as of Friday, we can add Nicki Minaj to the growing list of performers who’ve been cursed (or maybe blessed?) with the infamous “Wardrobe Malfunction”—Minaj spilled out of her (ridiculous) bra top while performing on ABC’s “Good Morning America” Friday morning.
Sorry, but maybe this is just karma for Minaj subjecting all of America to this image:
Or, maybe it was a premeditated act, in a desperate attempt to get the world talking about something other than Justin Bieber. (Seriously, do y’all know he has a NAIL POLISH LINE OUT NOW? What has become of us, everyone? How have we let this happen? Everyone should be ashamed of themselves.)
Speaking of premeditated nip slips, you know who should really consider them?
Cheerleaders.
Now before all of you start referring to me as Hayley DeGeneres, let me justify my statement. I’m only suggesting this out of my innate entrepreneurial mindset and sheer innovative spirit—I’m simply offering helpful advice to any ambitious, enterprising cheerleader who wants to make a name for herself.
And a few (hundred thousand) dollars.
Nipplegate 2011. Any takers?
Especially when you consider that someone like Jenn Sterger, a mere cowgirl in the seats at Florida State, parlayed her brief moment on television without a single nip slip into a career of being sexually harassed by one of the most famous quarterbacks of all time.
Seriously, an intentional nip slip on national television—one that came off as wholly unintentional—would make a cheerleader rich.
My initial thoughts on this are, “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” And by sooner I mean back in college when I was a cheerleader and the only way I could think to make a little extra cash was waiting on a bunch of whiny, needy people at the local campus restaurant. (What’s that, ma’am? You need more ketchup, you say? Here’s a thought: why don’t you go get your own effing ketchup? Or, better yet, why don’t you put on your Big Girl Panties and eat your fries with the seven packets of ketchup I ALREADY GAVE YOU. (Granted, I only worked there for three and a half days, but the emotional damage had already been done.))
So, has a cheerleader nip slip ever happened before? And, if not, isn’t it absolutely amazing that it hasn’t? I mean, seriously. With uniforms like this happening…
…aren’t cheerleaders just one toe-touch away from being guilty of slippage in the nipth degree? (You see what I did there? I'm here all night, people. And all day. Except from 2-3, when I'll be getting my oil changed.)
I needed answers, and I needed them now. Maybe this was something that actually happened fairly often and, due to a little something called “being a female” I simply wasn’t in tune to these boob blunders? Maybe there was an entire web site dedicated to cheerleader nip slips! (And, if this doesn’t already exist, I just gave some guy living in his mom’s basement a great idea). I hadn’t ever heard of a cheerleader wardrobe malfunction in the world of televised football games, but then again, I didn’t know the difference between a Rose Bowl, a Cotton Bowl and a Ceramic Bowl. So I obviously couldn’t trust my own astuteness here.
I wanted to cover all my bases, so naturally I called on self-appointed Cheerleader Nip Slip Expert, Mr. Clay Travis himself.
Me: Hey Clay, has there ever been a cheerleader nip slip on TV?
(It took Clay a full seven seconds to respond to this.)
Clay: No.
(Though this was via text messaging, I could’ve sworn I detected an annoyed, borderline angry undertone in his answer.)
Me: Are we sure about this? I mean, there might’ve been one and you just don’t—
Clay: Hayley…no. There has never been one. Just trust me on this one, please. There are very few things in life I am certain of. This is one.
And, trust him I do.
After all, you don’t get to over 21,000 Twitter followers by NOT readily knowing the frequency (or infrequency) with which boob parts are broadcast on national television.
But really, think about it: Men go crazy for boobs. Even a half-second glance at some mere side-boob action on a chick can potentially make them lose their train of thought/the ability to remember their own names. I personally don’t understand it (guys, if they were really THAT great, don’t you think WE’D be staring at our own all the time? Seriously. Find a hobby. And boob-watching doesn’t count.)
If every female in the public eye who’s ever had a nip slip has gotten such a profusion of attention from it, why hasn’t a business-savvy cheerleader jumped on the bandwagon, too?
Or maybe they already have. Maybe it was on TV once and Clay missed it because he was too busy typing “Cheerleader Nip Slips” into his Google search engine.