Why Grown Men in Jerseys Are Losers

I never realized until today just how sensitive grown men with large jersey collections are about them. If I teach you one thing, let it be that women do not find grown men in jerseys attractive, at all. I'm going to break this down for all of you in a second, but as the great Amy Schumer said "You are not their prison bitch, stop wearing their last name on your back." 

1. Once you graduate high school, you should not purchase a jersey. Why? Because some of said athletes are your age. If you could be on the team with them, you are too old to be wearing a jersey. 

2. Small children are adorable in jerseys. You are not a small child. You may act like one, but you are not in fact one.

3. Girls are allowed to wear jerseys, especially funny jerseys. (i.e. Joey Freshwater jerseys). If they want to relive their glory days of wearing the high school quarterbacks jersey on the Friday of game day, go for it.  If you think this is me being a feminist, call me Hillary Clinton. 

4.  I'll give you your day party to wear a "throwback jersey," college frat bro. That T.O. Cowboys jersey has earned the right to see the light of day for a few hours on a glorious Saturday. 

5. The biggest thing, you willingly spent over $100 on an article of clothing to worship an athlete that is quite possibly younger than you. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that that's $100+ some of you did not need to spend. 

6. How are we going to explain to our father's "the potential we see in you" if we bring you to a game with the family and you show up in a "Harambe" jersey? Ya, you're done-zo there. No recovering from that one. 

7. It means that you aren't capable of picking out a decent outfit, so you bought a jersey. Do laundry? No, babe, I'll just wear my jersey for the 100th time without washing. Ya, it smells like moldy beer, but babe, Ray Rice needs to know I still support him."

Grow up, Peter Pan.

8. You're limited in the places you can go. If you're wearing a jersey and we're in a cute outfit, we can't bring you to swing by mom and dad's best friends who are like our second parents tailgate for you to meet them. Why? Because as soon as we leave Mrs. Johnson will be calling mother to inform her of what you were wearing. Maybe this is just in the South, but still, you're limited in where you can go after the game as well. 

9. Golf, you aren't out of the woods here. Showing up on Sunday to a golf tournament in orange for Rickie Fowler, or in "Sunday Red" for Tiger is the equivalent of a jersey. Don't do it. 

10.   Bottom line, if wearing a jersey would not be acceptable to wear to your place of business, don't wear one. 

The moral of this story is that we get you love your team, really we do. However, just like we outgrew our hair bows, you too have outgrown your jerseys. I'll let your quarterback list jersey slide, Cleveland Browns fan, because that's just sad and pathetic. No girl likes a fan boy, act like you've been there before, because (insert said players name from your jersey) is not going to want to be your best friend if you meet him while you wear it. FACT. 

For more insightful tips on how not to be a douche canoe, you can follow @MattieLouOKTC on twitter.