Valentine's Day Is Near, The Orange Peel Theory & How To Make Her A Football Fan

OK, OK. I know I promised y'all Womansplaining would be all about online dating this week, but I am pushing that to next Friday.

I know you're very disappointed, but please don't rage click out of the story. I am simply still collecting data because some of these Tinder stories... wow. I am also gathering some responses from the ladies because we like to be fair and balanced around here.

Meanwhile, what a week it's been!

Between my mild depression over the Miami Dolphins' impending doom in Kansas City and my husband's wisdom teeth extraction, my household is very low energy and full of soup.

Maybe the Dolphins will shock the world, dominate the Chiefs in the minus-30-degree windchill and win their first playoff game since I was 10 years old. But, frankly, I'm not optimistic. As a lifelong Fins fan, I'm used to disappointment. But this season has taken me through the absolute highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows.

Still, I put on a brave face. Like the kickass wife I am, I powered through for my husband — buying him all the soft foods and even an ice pack that straps around his head to ease the pain and swelling in his face.

That ice pack was equally therapeutic for him and hilarious for me.

But props to him, too. Because even with all that painful dental work, my sweet husband still found the energy to reserve dinner and a hotel room for my birthday in a few weeks.

Proving, once again, there is nothing sexier than a man with a plan.

Speaking of...

Valentine's Day Is Approaching

You have just over a month to figure something out.

Look, we all know it's a silly holiday created to make Hallmark money and bog down your Instagram feed with mush. And I'm of the opinion that as long as my husband is obsessed with me all 365 days (366 this year), Feb. 14 doesn't have to be a big fuss.

But even if your lady is also not a big Valentine's Day gal, I would advise you to at least make a little fuss.

So, fellas, this is your fair warning to make those dinner reservations now. Because if you wait a couple more weeks, you're going to be scrambling.

No matter what Matt Walsh has to say about it.

Admittedly, I disagree with Matt on a lot of things (mostly his belief that womenfolk should always be barefoot and pregnant and never be trusted with any responsibility outside the home). But I am fairly certain he's joking here.

Because, really, the "gayest" thing you can do is to put intimacy on the back burner and buy some fake flowers and picked-over chocolate from CVS on your way home from work on Feb. 14.

But since you're all awesome Womansplaining readers, you won't be doing that.

By the way, if you're like me and going out to a crowded restaurant on Valentine's Day sounds awful, a home-cooked meal and her favorite bottle of wine will do the trick, too.

A Quick Word From Ed:

I wish the government would have followed through with the threat to ban TikTok. These "challenges" are painfully stupid.

Amber:

I don't disagree with you, Ed. I feel like I pick on Gen Z a lot (and they aren't the only ones), but the obsession some people have with constant validation from strangers on the Internet is very sad.

That said, let's talk about another TikTok challenge!

TikTok Challenge: The Orange Peel Theory

This one's been around for a bit, but I've seen it resurface recently, so as your Womansplainer, it's my job simply to make you aware. Do with this information what you will.

The orange peel theory suggests that the small acts of service, and a partner's willingness to perform them, indicate a healthy relationship.

So here's how the challenge works: A participant asks their partner to peel an orange for them. If their significant other says yes, that means they are willing to help with small tasks. If they say no, it might signal they are less likely to offer support throughout the relationship.

Here's why I think this is stupid: I would do anything in the world for my husband, and — I'm pretty sure — vice versa. I would go to the ends of the earth for him. I would jump in front of a train for that man.

But if he walked up to me, handed me an orange, said "Peel this," and waited for my reaction ...I'd be like, "Are your fingers broken?"

But maybe I just suck. Let's watch some examples:

That last guy was suspicious. He knew it was a test.

But it's clearly deeper than oranges.

I think the point of all this is that if your wife asks you (kindly) to do something very simple — like change over the laundry, bring her a glass of water or peel an orange — you should just do it without questioning her. Small acts of kindness go a long way.

So I guess it's true what they say.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When wife gives you oranges, just peel the damn things.

Dak Prescott Sex Toy Makes The Game More Fun

We've now reached our NSFW portion of Womansplaining. Fair warning.

If you read Nightcaps today (outstanding job, as always, by my colleague Zach Dean), you already know about the Dak Prescott sex toy.

If not, a quick recap: A company called CamSoda has created interactive sex toys. ("Teledildonics," if you will. I will not.) So this week, you can pair your vibrator with the audio of the live broadcast of Saturday's Packers-Cowboys game. Once paired, the sex toy will vibrate every time Dak yells, "Yeah! Here we go."

If you're looking for a way to get your lady interested in football, here it is.

Imagine if they had done that with Peyton Manning and "Omaha!" Your wife would be dead in a puddle on the floor.

Anyway, since this is my column, here's where I drop my (probably unpopular) opinion...

I don't believe in vibrators. I think women get too dependent on them, they're desensitized, and it ruins actual sex.

Let's put it this way: It's like taking the train every day to work, and then one day you ride a bicycle and expect it to get you there just as quickly.

And that's not an indictment on men. It's simply a fact that a human being peddling a bicycle cannot replicate the movement of a motorized vehicle.

But a sex toy making women interested in football reminds me of that South Park episode where Randy suddenly becomes a huge fan of Broadway musicals.

And while we're on the topic of women and football, here's an idea to earn you some brownie points:

Happy Ending

This is an absolutely dramatic shift from the last segment, but let's all take a moment to appreciate how much Jelly Roll adores his wife.

Next week, online dating. If you haven't yet sent me your thoughts, success stories and nightmare dates, get on it!

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Fridays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.